I’m 35, but a pretty ‘young’ 35 – single, living in a big city doing a creative job, lots of hobbies, no kids. I still feel like I’m in my late 20s most of the time.
I have a lot of school and college friends who are my oldest, closest friends. Most of them live elsewhere now. A lot of them have young babies / kids, are trying to get pregnant or are actively planning for it soon.
I feel like our lives are really beginning to diverge, we don’t see each other as often and when we do, I feel really unsettled afterwards. Seeing their lives turn into something else (husband, baby, house, suburban living) and their priorities really shift has been jarring. I’ve spent years trying to preserve these friendships but there is so much distance there now through choices I didn’t make. I’ve started to really feel like the odd one out, and feeling strange after I see them. It’s not because I want everything they have, necessarily (apart from a loving relationship) but that the alignment I once felt with them is disappearing. I also hate the sporadic biannual ‘catch-ups’ instead of living life together.
These women have been like my sisters, we have a lot of history and I will always have love for them, but I’ve decided that I really need to pour energy and intention into my newer friendships with people in the same circumstance. People I’ve met in my city, through work or hobbies, who are more aligned with what I want out of life. They tend to be more creative, childfree, progressive, tied to the city. People who are living the same life as me.
I’ve realised I’ve sort of held my old friendships on a pedestal over these newer friendships, prioritised seeing them, fitting around the distance and their childcare demands and felt sad these friends couldn’t give me as much attention as I’d like, but this really isn’t serving me at all. I’ve also deprioritised dating and felt like I could get all the love I needed from my friends. Wake up call – they haven’t done the same and they’re wrapped up in their boyfriends / husbands and the life they’re building with them!
Has anyone else had a sort of watershed moment like this? Maybe it’s a classic mid-30s single woman awakening. I just feel like I’ve put my focus in the wrong places and have been left feeling empty. I need to start enriching and focusing on my current life, not trying to preserve how things were years ago.
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Man – I had to double-check that I didn’t write this post, OP, because… SAME, except I’m a lot less hip/progressive/tied to the city as the actual late 20-somethings, but I also feel so increasingly misaligned with my mid-30’s plus friends who are married with kids and a house in the suburbs.
I definitely know what you mean about prioritising old friendships as well, because I’m the same – but my problem is I also never like anyone new as much as I like those old friends, even if we’re kind of falling apart??? I know, I know – I gotta give the former more of a chance. I had a disastrous time of it back in 2022/2023 but I’m actually feeling a little more optimistic this year in 2025, at least.
Anyhow, just commenting to say I commiserate, hard. It’s definitely not just you, OP.
I am exactly like you except in my 40s. Not my plan, I was in a LTR all throughout my 30s with someone who wasn’t dad material, and we broke up around the time I turned 40. My married friends, especially the ones with kids, and I really drifted apart during this time. Not everyone, but most of my married friends. Like you, I wish I put more effort into the friendships I had with childless people that lived a similar lifestyle as me.
God, I so understand you here.
Yup. I’m very similar to you, and I was just thinking about this today. I’ve moved 2 cities since college, and in each new place I’ve had to make new networks. Year over year, I lose more and more touch with my college friends. Most of them stayed in the college town and are married with kids.
One of them who I managed to keep closest to, I give her major props. She sent me a congrats gift when I passed an exam. She would still take interest in my life. I texted her in March for her birthday, found out she was pregnant with her 2nd. I’m happy for her, I’ve texted her a few times since and she hasn’t replied. I don’t hold it against her… she has a husband, house, works full-time, a child and a second on the way.
It’s always a two way street, things change. She has to put more energy into her life, I need to put more energy into mine. Any time we’re able to get together, I’m grateful for and don’t hold the space in contempt. So don’t feel guilty or consider length of a friendship to be a higher currency than current involvement in your life. There is weight to both, and just as your friends have evolved, you’re allowed to as well.
I feel exactly the same. Out of my very close group of college friends, I’m the only one who isn’t married. Out of the ten of us, eight have kids.
After a long weekend we all recently spent together, partners and children included, I had my own watershed moment. Our connection has changed, and it’s probably never going back to what it was. I love them and their kids, but as their lives get busier, keeping the connection alive seems to fall mostly on me and always on their schedules. And just like you, I leave feeling unfulfilled and a mix of melancholy?/nostalgia for the way things used to be.
I think it’s not just parenthood, but the kind of people they were already on the trajectory to becoming if that makes sense? I am 39 and most of my closest friends are moms – some old friends, some new. But they are all badass outdoorsy women who do adrenaline sports, run businesses, and generally have a whole life outside of their kids. The ones who settled into Martha Stewart suburban soccer mom life I drifted apart from, not because they have kids, but because our lifestyles and values are so different.
I can absolutely relate! I was single through my early-30s when all of my school friends group were coupled up, getting married and having babies.
I think the answer is to fully lean into your newer friendships, with people with a similar lifestyle, hobbies and commitment to the friendship as you, and keep open to making new friends. Stay in contact with your old friends, and don’t get bitter about it (it is what it is!), but match their energy and effort level rather than going out of your way to maintain those friendships at their previous level of closeness.
Longtime friendships ARE valuable and special and they WILL ebb and flow over time as interests and life stages match up and diverge. In my case, I met my partner at 35 and we are now expecting a baby around the time I turn 39. The experience of pregnancy has recently brought me closer with some of those old friends whom I felt out of alignment with and less close to for about a decade. Also a few of those friends now have older more independent kids and one is recently divorced, so they are moving out of the “obsessed with husband and baby” stage while I’m perhaps on my way to entering it LOL
Your post makes a ton of sense to me. I’m 41, solo, childfree by choice, and living in a big city. I lost so many friends to the suburbs and children in fairly rapid succession during the early 2020s, and I took it SO hard. It really felt like my social life had been yanked away from me.
Looking back, I’ve realized that a lot of those friends weren’t truly compatible with me. We were mostly just a bunch of feral young adults in the city (which was super fun and memorable, don’t get me wrong). Many of them have faded out of my life; the ones I still love and vibe with are around, and we both put in effort.
I think some friendships can survive on shared history alone, but I need more than that. Luckily I’ve been able to find greater authenticity and clarity in the new network I’ve built for myself.
Ultimately, I think these changes are healthy. It demonstrates that you are growing and self-actualizing.
As someone who as been there and made it to the other side, I know you’re gonna figure it out!
I’m in a similar situation as you. When I moved to NYC years ago, I formed a group of friends from the same ethnic background as me and we went through all the things 20 year olds go through together. To be honest, the pandemic probably extended the shelf life of our friendship longer than it normally would have lasted. The group ended for a number of reasons:
It sucks to outgrow friends and be cut out of a friend group, but I’m so lucky to have a supportive partner and a warm, tight-knit family. I also started seriously investing in my hobby. I’ve made new friends who have the same interests and they have the same zest for life as I do. The new group is also a more diverse range of ages and backgrounds, which I think helps a lot.
It’s never too late to make new friends! Sometimes the ones you had were just meant to be yours for a season. It doesn’t diminish the time you had together.
Have your own goals and live on your own rhythm. Friends are really just people that walk us home at different chapters of our lives. It’s okay to be a little more selfish and desire people who meet you halfway. Be okay with friends developing their own journeys and losing that connection. They’ll come back when you’re all much older, or at least that’s what my mom says.