My taste in men has me in shambles and I set the bar in hell and wonder why I stay hurt. I guess I’m just reaching out for support/advice or simply someone out there they may be in a similar position.
I’m 30/F and have 3 kids. 2 different dads. Where I come from I wasn’t showed real love or what it looks like. Why is this information important? Hold on you’ll see why.
I’m a beautiful woman, I have a good paying job, I’m in nursing school and highly respected. Have my own home and everything that comes with it. My life is challenging daily, sure. But I really do the work to keep it together. I beat myself up every day for having two failed relationships and kids with both, this makes me feel dirty and like nobody out there would want someone like me.
After leaving my last long term relationship of 8 years. (Abusive) I found myself talking to an old friend from 10+ years ago, whom is in jail. He’s been there for two years. Small talk turned into long conversations about life and then that turned into phone calls, then visits and etc. now I’m just in this and I can’t figure out how I got here. I’ve never sent him money and he’s never asked me to shockingly.
That was 10 MONTHS ago. My feelings are highly invested at this point. Though it’s consistent and I know he likes me. I can’t help but feel so down on myself. This situation has my head spinning. He has nothing he can offer me at this time, he could ghost me the moment he walks out those doors (expected to be in November) the unknown eats me alive.
In the beginning of us talking he told me you know, he wanted to get married one day and have a good peaceful life. I listened and explained I was basically the same. Fast forward, over the months of talking, I listened deeply. I don’t know what he wants from/with me. He says “when I get out we…” type things. But that’s not enough. I feel DELUSIONAL thinking this man really looks at me more than just a toy. But I know him from a past life and that other guy wouldn’t do that, so I’m stuck in between thoughts everyday. My feelings are so invested at this point though I always search for excuses to continue so I can avoid the pain of walking from it.
I have a masters in detachment especially when I feel like I’m going to get hurt or pushed away anyways. So the moment I feel off, or he says something that kind of makes my head spiral in thought. I distance myself and he instantly notices, but I never speak on why or how I feel, I ask 0 questions because I’m scared the conversation would scare him off (comical I know) he talks to me on time almost every night and I just pretend I’m okay… but I’m really not. Like this is so difficult to me cause I’m just trying to navigate a different life and find love but feel like I’m always setting myself up and then I’m left with all the pieces to put back together.
Comments
Have you started working with a therapist? From this little club it sounds like you need to take some time with yourself and friends and stay out of the dating pool.
I would highly recommend not getting into a relationship with this person until they’ve been out for at least a year and then see if they’ve made changes and improvements to their life. Don’t let them drag you and your kids down with them.
It’s cliche but I think we have to learn how to love ourselves first. Like on a deep, true level beyond just having our lives together and doing basic self care. Once you do that (easier said than done) it’s simpler to see who is adding to your life and who is giving less than what you deserve. I would also say give yourself some grace, perhaps you are falling for men who are not in the best place because there’s common ground there that makes you feel understood on some level. Another thing I try to do is give myself grace for the feelings of attachment or disappointment because it’s human to feel those things. But try to separate the feeling from your decision making about who to reach out to, who to put your effort towards, or how to move forward. Base those decisions on more concrete evidence from how other people treat you and what their actions say about their level of care.
All that said, you’re already smart to be recognizing your own patterns and you’re right to be very wary of what someone is saying from jail, because they’re in a very limited place which will of course impact how they’re viewing things. I think you should figure out how to be okay with yourself first before focusing on trying to be in a relationship, especially one with someone navigating a very challenging time/upcoming transition as well.
Therapy, please.
Virtually nobody escapes childhood completely emotionally unscathed, and those of us who end up in abusive relationships often have no idea why we do that.
Therapy is what helped me immeasurably, there’s no way I would be where I am now if I hadn’t gone. I learned that things I thought were normal in my childhood weren’t, and I uncovered the truth that had been suspected my whole life about a childhood trauma that turned out to really have happened, plus how all of that affected my self image, my self-esteem, how I felt about men and people in authority, etc.
Girl. What he wants from you when he gets out: a place to live and püssy.
Or does he have actually solid plans for housing and a job in November ?
You need to work on yourself first. Workout the issues that you going back to “the same mistake, different name”
Do shadow work, inner child work, EMDR, if you’ve suffered from trauma, learn about self love and self worth. Because if you’ve suffered don’t love yourself, you are going to keep accepting these situations that sell yourself short. And in turn they will make you feel worse about yourself. It will be a cycle of doom. Unless you do the necessary work to make changes.
You are smart. Your children deserve to have a mother who is happy and able to be in a healthy relationship.
You are not “damaged goods”
Because you have kids by two different men. But if this is the kind of internal monologue you have, you will repeatedly get men that will treat you as such.
I think you need to remind yourself that you were fine before this emotional connection happened and you’ll be fine if it doesn’t end up materializing into something once he’s out. And I wish you’d stop asking questions that don’t have answers, and turn that curiosity inwards. Have you ever paused to ask yourself what are you actually afraid of happening if you told him how you felt? Do you know what you want out of this/in general in romantic relationships? Do you know what you need, what you will accept and what you wont? Have you asked yourself if maybe this isn’t even about this guy? Maybe you find yourself attaching to people who are unavailable because you yourself are somehow unavailable? Have you ever considered that you’re scared to talk to him about how you feel because you are actually scared to address the emotions you can’t rationalize? Because then they’re real, and then you’d feel pressured to have to do something about them?
You need to shift your mindset, and priorities to yourself. You’re spending a lot of energy thinking about him, worried about doing this or that wrong, or what if this happens and yada yada. None of it helps you feel secure, does it? I know it doesn’t because all that happens is you go further and further down the rabbit hole of the “what if” fear. Well what if you don’t have to be afraid at all? You haven’t even tried to find out. I’d sit down with some paper and a pen if i were you, and start asking yourself questions.
Can you give yourself space to sit with yourself, instead of looking for someone (a man) to make you feel good about yourself? How long did you stay single between relationships? Because it sounds like you jumped from the last one to forming a dependent ltr with this guy in jail. You’re pouring your soul out to him like he’s chatGPT, and no wonder you don’t feel like you can just stand on your own. You don’t have to be in a relationship, but it sounds like you live like you have to be in one. But yeah, therapy.
Therapy yes but also you shouldn’t just emotionally attach to someone right away just because they are dating you or like you. That should be a slower process and it should happen as someone successfully demonstrates they can trigger green flags for you – things like values alignment, treating you well, handling conflict respectfully, have a similar perspective on economics (they don’t have to be your education or economic equal, but you do need to be able to negotiate about how to share money and talk about it without it being some kind of conflict).
You chose this friend in jail because they are kind of unavailable – it’s offers a certain level of protection, for you, and you can explore a romantic relationship without being afraid of being hurt. I think what’s of a bigger concern is not him “ghosting” you when he gets out, but you having no real idea what it would be like to have this man in your life in a day to day way. And less than him not having anything to “offer” you – he doesn’t know who you really are either. It’s functionally an LDR where you both get to ignore reality and live in a romantic fantasy. When he gets out, on parole, both of you are going to have to confront reality. I don’t think one or the other of you will necessarily find that better or easier, either. He’s “reliable” now because he’s in jail, girl. He has no where else to be. I don’t know if he will or won’t still like you after he’s not in jail, but yeah, his life and time will be a lot more free.
I think you need to get into therapy. Both to heal from your past abusive relationship but also to get some meaningful feedback about why someone liking you is your only standard. It’s probably going to hurt to hear but being “picked” is not that significant, and you’re too grown and have too many people (yourself included) depending on you to blow around in the winds of other people’s affection or lack there of. Your kids also deserve better than a single parent who attaches herself to whoever seems available and nearby. To mix metaphors, your self esteem and romantic prospects cannot amount to whatever happens to wash up on your shore. You deserve a relationship with someone that is available, that cares about you, and who “has something to offer” – and that something should be more tangible than just saying things you want to hear. Talk is cheap.
You will keep repeating this mistake until you learn the lesson and heal the wound that’s keeping you stuck in this pattern.
Girl he is in JAIL??
Girl same
That being said, I’d bet big money on this “spiralling” you’re experiencing being your gut feeling telling you to exit this situation, but your mind is trying to obscure that signal because you long for connection. Fair enough, honestly. But you should leave any situation that feels off and confusing. A healthy, reasonable person would respect your need to “focus on yourself” for a while (don’t overshare with him). Setting a boundary will tell you more about the type of guy this guy is and add a lot of needed clarity to the situation.
I used to spiral and shared that information with a guy I was dating in a similar situation to you (long distance and mostly over text). He was future faking a bunch and would say all these nice words to dismiss my concerns about us (which I realized later was simply just invalidation and dismissal).
Step away now. You have children, take care of them and yourself. Do not spiral over a man who is love bombing you. I know how addictive it is. Nothing is real until it’s actually real. He is not in a position to live up to his words. If he really loves you, once he’s out of jail he will resurface to show you with actual actions how much you mean to him.
Words are always just words.
You have a pattern, not a type.
What I am reading from this is that you are getting something from him that you feel you are missing. Is it just the dopamine hits from him telling you he wants to be with you? Is it the human connection making you feel seen? Is it the idea of a different future? What is making you hold onto this, when it’s providing nothing for you in your present life?
Ultimately the part deep down inside you is telling you this is enough. This is what you deserve. That voice is holding you back from a healthy life and a peaceful future. Healing our hurt is the biggest battle we all face and the older we get, more piles on. Please know that you deserve to be content with your life and that it can happen without a relationship if you work for it.
Take some time to work on yourself and be there for your kids (not that you aren’t already). Start working with a therapist to understand and heal from the trauma from your ex. My mom is in the exact position you are with 3 kids, 2 different dads, and has not healed from her trauma (from her ex-husband). This has caused my sibling and me to have a traumatic childhood. Now, as adults, we resent her and don’t get along with her because she has always chosen a man over us and has never taken the time to work on herself. Your children are going to start noticing things as they get older and start developing unhealthy relationships with men. Please do not take this rudely because that’s not my intention at all. I’m just saying, children notice a lot of things and adapt habits from their parents. I have seen this happen with siblings and family members. Again, take time to heal and understand yourself more because it will not only benefit you, but your kids as well.
Please be careful inviting random strangers into your life, ESPECIALLY since you have kids. Just because you knew this person 10 YEARS ago doesn’t mean you know them now. Not saying he could do anything, but you truly never know and he could EASILY lie about things. Lastly, he could be using you because he has nowhere to stay after he gets out of prison. This happens a lot, so don’t just invite him into your home.
Best of luck to you!
This is already a lot of anguish for a prison situationship where you all haven’t had an IRL relationship with actual dates. You know you deserve better than this. There’s men in prison who speak with more plans and certainty than this guy does.
“I feel DELUSIONAL thinking this man really looks at me more than just a toy.” Two things can be true at once. He can be daydreaming to himself about a relationship with you, and he can also be toying with you simultaneously. It’s future-faking and manipulation, one of the big talkers’ favorite games, as they get your hopes up and then claim plausible deniability when they don’t hold up their half-promises, because they were only hints of, whispers of promises. They may buy into their own daydreams too, even as they run from anything that sounds like commitment. Run from these men. If you feel delusional in a relationship, that is not a good sign. Listen to your own feelings that this isn’t a secure, safe, and solid ground to build something on.
Amongst all of those paragraphs written, there’s been no concrete plans made. It’s like you’re being and have been twisting in the wind by whims of men, but you have agency here and can opt of their drama. Find your true north.
Think of the choices you’d want your kids to make if they were in the same situation as you or what choices you’d make that you’d be proud to say you made them 20 years down the road, looking back on your life. Think of a woman you greatly admire and respect for her character and solid sense of self. Consider what she might do in this situation.
Agreed with other commenters to get a different therapist.
I’m all for redemption and second chances, but I’d like to point out that he’s in jail and it’s easier to be consistent when there is very little that is competing for his attention right now. You don’t know what he’ll be like when he has a job, friends, other women and the people he used to hang out with trying to pull him back into whatever got him put away.
You’re banking on potential and 10 months is a lot of time to invest with someone you cannot really get to know until you see how he conducts himself when he’s free.
I suspect that some part of you finds safety in him being in jail – he’s always just out of reach and you can’t actually move forward with him to see if anything he says is real. The fantasy of what could be is likely more exciting than the reality.
Check out Kristen Neff’s TED Talk on self esteem vs self compassion. Sounds like you can use it.
Do you have a check list of what you want in a man and what you will not tolerate?
What’s he in jail for? No shade, I have family members in jail. It happens, but like what degree of crime are we talking here lol
In order to raise the bar you need to raise your self esteem.
Stop beating yourself up over past relationships. They’re not “failed relationships”. You didn’t fail. The relationships happened, had their time, and then they ended. That doesn’t mean you failed. They just weren’t meant to be long term relationships. Long relationships that don’t end aren’t necessarily successful relationships. I guarantee we all know at least one person in a relationship they shouldn’t be in but they’ll end up staying until they die.
Stop falling for this man that you haven’t even done any life with yet. If you haven’t done life together in the real world, you do not know him. Sure, you’ve talked. Sure, you knew him before. But people change and you don’t know him now. You don’t know him in this context. You don’t know him in a romantic capacity. You may think you know him. But you don’t. Chatting on the phone and having monitored visits is not getting to know someone properly. People can still curate themselves to a point through this because it’s not real life.
You have so much going for you so start acting like it and maybe you’ll start attracting men who actually match you because this ain’t it, babe.
I find that nurses get themselves into relationships where the other party needs “saving”. Please take time for yourself and focus on your kids and take a break from dating.
You lost me when you said the guy is in jail. You have three kids, think about how you’re exposing your kids to a situation no one would put their kids in.
You mentioned feeling delusional for thinking he looks at you as more than a toy. I’d suggest trying not wondering what he thinks of you, and instead really ask yourself if HE’s really appropriate for you. Sounds like he’s communicative and sweet, and in that way he might be great, but just make sure you’re assessing the full person, or slowing down until you do. We don’t know why he’s in jail or how suitable he is as a partner.
When I’m stuck in choosing inappropriate partners, I think about how there’s a PART of me that is drawn toward inappropriate people. But it’s only PART of me. There’s another part of me that knows I’m not making the best call for myself and is confident enough to wait for a better fit. Once I feel stuck with an inappropriate person, then I try to connect to that wiser part, and have them take the lead. If you aren’t sure you can find that wiser more confident part of ourself, I recommend therapy and particularly IFS, Congruence, or Somatic Experiencing therapy.
Full disclosure, I’m a therapist if you couldn’t tell lol.
Also here’s a list of characteristics that we might use as a compass. There’s the character traits that attract us to someone, and then there are traits that make a relationship healthy and long-lasting, and those are sometimes very different things. These are characteristics that make a great relationship. And maybe you might look for ways to better embody these as well.
Decenter men (google it, i cannot teach/explain it, it came sorta naturally to me by now due to my personality).
You need to learn to love yourself, only then you will be capable of choosing good people that fit you. Some people think it’s backwards, but in my experience people that cannot love themselves always get into messy relationships and are themselves quite toxic to people in their life (it doesn’t matter they can’t help themselves).
One major important point, even if you love your kids, but don’t love yourself, KIDS WILL PICK UP ON IT AND MODEL YOU. They see you every day praising them while you act as you are a cursed exception (but that doesn’t make sense to them, so they learn to internalize bad inner monologue). As a child of a parent like that, love of a parent that hates themselves doesn’t ring true, and it also feels icky/perverse because they put kids on pedestal (you are my only reason to live, do what i can’t etc).
So if you can’t figure it out for yourself, put yourself into kids’ shoes and fake being a role model until it feels genuine.
You have an attachment issue of some kind. Could be anxious attachment, could be fearful avoidant, but either way, it needs resolved. People hate the phrase ‘daddy issues’ but this is textbook daddy issues, I have them as well.
Edit to add a tip: When you start getting feelings for a guy, sit back and think about how your lives would play out based on what you know about him, and decide if you want that. And honestly think about any of his faults and if you could live with them forever. If they’d be okay for both you and your children. And ask yourself – if you did NOT have feelings for this guy, would you think they were good enough to set your single friends up with? If not, they’re not good enough for you either.
One word. Therapy.