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Traumatic Friendship Loss, can deep friendships exist after?

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sophomore year of college my bf cheated on me with one of my friends and i walked in on it. i lost many other friends bc they wanted to be neutral and stay friends with me and and my former friend. i lost all of my friends except for 2 girls who were outside the friend group. this was traumatizing and now i feel like any new friend would fail me in a similar deep loyalty way. i know ill be liked and have surface level friends again but im 27 now and still feel like i dont have deep friends. the kind who love you so much they couldn’t be friends with someone who hurt you. i feel like ill never be part of someone’s inner circle because those spots are full by now by late 20s/early 30s. can people please tell me that im being too negative and they made close friends at this age? it’s been 9 years and it still hurts im in therapy but it hasn’t helped much

Comments

  1. Advanced-Leg8627 Avatar
    Advanced-Leg8627

    Something similar happened to me. You never really get over that kind of betrayal to be honest, but this can be a good thing. There are some silver linings to these types of traumas

    I am more discerning about who I give my energy to

    • I used to follow anyone anywhere lol. Just happy go lucky kinda person. In reality when you’re like that people will walk all over you. I ended up in very dangerous situations because I was so open and trusting with others. Now I don’t waste time, I have more time to do things I enjoy/do things that are more productive/fulfilling. For instance, I quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, began going to the gym and went back to college

    Increases self-respect.

    • Now that I have healthier boundaries with others I feel better about myself. Knowing that I am making smart decisions that will protect me makes me feel more secure in myself and I think a lot higher of myself knowing that I choose myself instead of any rando that walks my way and compliments me

    Deeeeeeep friendships

    • because I’m more discerning about who I spend time with, bc I don’t waste time doing things I don’t like to win people over, bc I have more self-respect— I have been able to find very deep friendships with other women. I can focus on cultivating relationships with people that I have actual, legitimate things in common with. Now that I don’t approach relationships from a place of wanting people to like me I can get to know people that I actualllllly like. I’ve made really important friends. We cook together, read books together, text each other often, sometimes we even say “good night!” Lmao We share similar values and so the friendships I have now are genuinely rewarding from a place that wouldn’t have been possible before
  2. l8nitefriend Avatar
    l8nitefriend

    You definitely can make new deep friendships. Don’t let the abhorrent behavior of people in your past make you lose your trust in everyone forever. I’m 38 and some of my best friends I’ve made in the last 5 or so years. I think you might be surprised how many people are longing for an “inner circle” and maybe feeling the same as you do (if you watch this subreddit you’ll see that ‘making friends in your 30s’ is a regular and often posted about topic).

    I know it hurts and there’s no way of guaranteeing you won’t ever get hurt by anyone again, but you deserve to have deep, meaningful connections with others as much as anyone else does. Try to be open, give out the energy you want to get back, and be kind and patient with yourself. The best way to make friends as you’re older is finding a common ground (like hobbies, interests, etc) with others that you can do regularly, so maybe think about what that might mean to you and start taking some steps to integrating yourself into other communities. 27 feels so young to me now! You have so much life ahead of you and I hope you find some really wonderful people to share it with.

  3. Low_Ad_4 Avatar
    Low_Ad_4

    Betrayal trauma is a biiiiiiiiit-ch.
    I feel you.
    Your story is certainly crazy.
    I got SA/ harassed and stalked (I mean email and socials hacked type shit) by a guy in the friend group and the entire group dropped me. It wasn’t even a silent fade away- just straight up social violence tbh.

    Including a girl I thought would be my sister for life. Hers was even worse because I told her what his weird attitude towards me was – she made new friends who would ostracise/ bully me. These were girls I didn’t know or even talk to but they would sneer at me, try to humiliate me in public, or group chats etc. I didn’t understand their behaviour at the time, was just shocked I was public enemy number one to people I had always been nice to in passing.

    They even left me alone after the club in Orlando; a city one hour away from our college town.
    I was too broke to afford a $100+ uber home. This was after the bouncer stopped me to pay my way in while letting the other girls go in for free- they didn’t even care. It was horrible.

    By luck another unrelated group of acquaintances I had happened to know via another friend were on the same street at the same 7 -eleven I was taking shelter in ( this shit made me believe in God). They actually spotted me first and bought me hot chocolate and a beef patty. We sang random Bollywood songs all the way home, and those guys don’t know it but they have no clue how much they mean to me to this day. I need a flight to Mumbai tbh. They became my new friends for real.

    I clocked ( a long periolodical time after- like post college) that she was the one that must have been shit talking about me as well bc they really had no reason to be on my d like that.

    I’m 30 now, and those new people fly to me to celebrate my birthdays, send me gifts, I do the same. It taught me that I can recover and rebuild even after a crazy loss like that.

    I’m a touch hyper vigilant ( what I reframe as a better judge of character lol) and a better friend and stranger to others as well.