I’m in my early 30s, recently got married and bought a house, and many of my friends are starting to have children.
I’ve always been fairly neutral about children: my partner wants them and will be a GREAT parent. I have nothing really against children. I have great parents and a great support system.
I always assumed that when I hit certain milestones, I would be ready to have kids.
But now that those milestones (married, homeownership, career goals) are hit, I feel like I keep changing my goalpost.
I know that some of it is financial fear/anxiety. And some of it is not wanting things to change (friendships, my marriage). So my question is: are you ever REALLY ready to start trying for children? Has anyone else felt this way and had them (or not had them)?
Maybe it’s the pressure from everyone else is having kids + reaching the age/milestones where it makes sense to have them that makes it feel… more terrifying of a thought? All my friends seem so sure either way – they want them or they don’t – and feeling… neutral towards children doesn’t feel like it has a place in the discussion.
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You can look at the /fencesitters reddit for interesting insights on this question. I never felt the “urge” to have kids, and so for a very long time interpreted it as me not knowing whether I should have some and most probably not being a good mum if I did. Long story short I know have a 6 months old that I adore and tremendously enjoy raising (although yes, also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done). She obviously can’t say whether I’m a good mum or not yet but she seems pretty happy 🙂
Maternal instinct is bullshit and 100% something you can build in my opinion. I recommend reading “the baby decision” if you’re on the fence. Good luck !
Nobody can ever be truly ‘ready’ for kids, I reckon. And most people never feel like they’re ready. Haven’t you seen the memes about ‘terrified abt being a teen mom in my late thirties’? I think it’s such a huge leap to take and truly nothing can fully prepare you and anybody who feels like they’re ‘ready’ is likely in for a massive shock.
I was in a similar situation where my husband definitely wanted kids and I was kind of ambivalent (and honestly leaning toward no given the state of the world). But I did want to give my husband children, and I got pregnant. And then had a miscarriage. I never realized I could love someone I’d never met. Now I am a mother of two, and I cannot imagine my life without them. The amount of patience that I have with them astounds me (it’s still not enough, but it’s way more than I give anyone else).
I think it varies for different people. Some people absolutely feel ready, because being a parent is a hugely important life goal that they know they want.
For others like myself who are pretty on the fence about it, and don’t see kids as a higher priority than other aspects of my life, I’m never going to feel 100% ready. There will always be another trip I want to take, another promotion I want to achieve, another hobby I want to pick up, and enough specifically childfree friends that I won’t ever feel like I’ve lost my social life due to everyone becoming parents.
If I decide I want kids, the final push will be because I’m running out of time to do it, not because I’m totally ready. Because I never will be.
I was objectively not ready for a child. I figured it out and love motherhood, don’t recommend the route I took though!
I think there’s always going to be reasons no one feels 100% ready, the bigger question is, do you want them?
I don’t think I ever sat down and said I was ready BUT I had a very strong longing and wanting for kids. So much so that I thought there was something wrong with me and I couldn’t have them. I thought I had PCOS and pretty much self diagnosed myself into thinking I couldn’t have kids. Well one thing led to another and I got pregnant with my fiance. Thank goodness we had a house and good jobs and were stable because it honestly was a shock. I literally thought I couldn’t get pregnant.
ANYWAY. I don’t think anyone is ever ready. It is such a big life change you are never ready.
What I will say as a mom of 2 now is this: 1 child is MUCH easier than 2 or more. 1 child is like the perfect amount because you can still have time for hobbies and other things. I don’t regret my second at all but it is a lot harder in my opinion.
So if you ever decide, just know 1 is like the perfect amount
You can’t be completely ready but you can be reasonably prepared. Know the maternity situation in your state. Get familiar with childcare options and costs. Figure out where you stand with your partner on parenting and finances. After that it’s just being ready to accept a whole new top priority in your life. I felt ready but that first year was hard cause of the adjustment. Never regretted it though cause I knew I wanted it and none of it was really surprising just tiring.
I had my first at 27. He’s now almost 17 and is starting his senior year of high school soon 🙂 The truth is, you learn as you go. By the time your pregnancy is over, you will be ready for the first few days and after that you just keep going. You have to have confidence that you will rise to the occasion and meet any challenges that pop up along the way. And you will because you love your child. Instincts kick in.
That’s all there is to it, really. You take it day-by-day at first and over time, you get so used to caregiving that you forget how nervous or unprepared you felt until you enter the next challenging phase. And so on and so forth until they leave your house, lol.
What I will say though, is that I felt genuinely excited about it. Having a baby seemed like a huge, exciting adventure to me and I couldn’t wait to get started down that path. I don’t know if any first time parent feels “ready” per se but I definitely think it’s possible and probably ideal to be excited.
I have two teenagers. And while I love them with every ounce of my being, and I do not regret being a mother, there are days where I question whether or not I am equipped to handle this stage in our lives.
What I think is not mentioned enough is your kids are growing and changing and the stages in yours and their lives are changing. And because everything changes you never can be ready for any of it. You think you have it and then they go into this new phase of their life and you have no clue what you doing. Parenting is a learning experience. And I don’t think you’re ever really ready for any of it until you have to live through it. And I don’t think that means just parenting.
At the end of the day, it’s really more or less recognizing that you’re doing your best to be the best parent that you can be and recognizing that you aren’t going to be perfect and they aren’t going to be perfect. You just try to make the best choices to raise productive, healthy, happy human beings
I also think being in a place of neutrality does have its place in the conversation. I think that people who have a point of view from the neutral zone can offer a different view than people who are 100% team kid and 100% team child free. I feel like neutrality may be able to offer a different perspective and maybe even a little bit of empathy for both sides.
A complete readiness would be rare,I feel like people would have an “almost” one. Personally I wasn’t a child free person to start with and I was thinking about having a child through sperm donor so my goal was pretty clear. But even though it was clear,I got a period of time that I wasn’t sure if having a child would be a good choice for me or not. Then I got my son by accident. I didn’t feel much of the connection until I got to see him and took care of him. But people still need to prepare and get ready financially, physically and mentally before having kid cuz the reality is much harder than what they thought they could handle. Being ready would make it more tolerable than not.
Personally, yeah. I was mid 30s and was ready for the mom stage of life. Not saying I was ready for the amount of work and stress it is to raise a baby, but I wanted one and I was confident in that choice.
It took until age 37 for me to make a decision on it and feel ready. I was ambivalent about whether I wanted to have kids or not for years, but ultimately decided that I do want them – with my current life circumstances of being financially stable and with a good partner who would also be a good dad, and feeling very ready for a new chapter in life in general. I believe that if my life was panning out differently I might just as likely end up being happy in my 40s and 50s without kids.
I don’t think everyone feels “ready” but there are certain things that definitely you should check if you want to set yourself up for success. Imo, these are the most important questions you should be asking yourself if you’re ready:
I was very much neutral, but knew my husband always wanted and enjoyed being around kids. After being together for 10 years and married for 2, we took the “if it happens it happens” approach. Now, 4 years later, we’re just weeks away from having our 2nd child. Motherhood ended up coming incredibly natural to me and I ended up changing more than I ever could’ve expected.
Personally, we considered our finances, careers, who our village would be, and our age (early 30s at the time) before we decided to get pregnant. Despite all that I never felt “ready” until I was literally holding a newborn in my arms.
I was totally ready and now that she’s here it is great, though exhausting. It did change a lot. I just felt ready for the change.
It’s a huge decision, and the fact that you’re giving it a significant amount of thought is such a good thing.
They say that no one is ever “ready” to have kids, and while I agree that you don’t truly know how it is until you’re in the thick of it, I think you can do things to mentally and emotionally prepare for the wonderful, terrible shitstorm that is parenting in 2025.
If you’re truly a fence-sitter, read a lot, search Reddit posts from all sides of parenting, do calculations based on local childcare costs etc. And think about how you want your future to look. Once you fully digest those more logical points, I think it will help you decide if you are “ready.”
For me the decision was two-pronged. I had to be ready mentally for the thought of raising a tiny human until the day I die, cause we all know parenting doesn’t really stop at 18. But I also had to be ready mentally to handle the physical toll of the pregnancy/ birth/ recovery. As the birthing parent, we have a lot more to consider.
Have them. It changes you in the best way. You won’t be able to believe you ever existed before them! 💕