So, quick overall context. Partner (m32) and I (f34) both cheated in our past relationships and that’s how we started a relationship. I’ve learned a lot from that situation and I beat myself up for a long time, and I still do. When my previous relationship ended, I had trouble transitioning to my new partner and his boundaries. This I have also learned from. I lied and kept things from him so obviously there’s no trust which I have rightfully earned. I no longer have male friends. I no longer discuss the relationship with friends. None of my friends like him and his friends hate me. It’s not a healthy situation but I want to be with him and I think I can right my wrongs and build trust.
I went out with friends the other day and after multiple talks about me not considering his feelings, I called before leaving to discuss what he needed from me to help him feel comfortable. He called it performative bullshit and proceeded to yell at me about how I don’t care about his feelings bc I didn’t before. He took off his location and refused to respond to my calls or texts. This is a regular thing. He gets mad and takes his location off bc he knows how it makes me feel. It’s justified by my previous behaviors. That night he called and yelled at me bc I was sitting in my car and accused me of cheating. We talked and it blew up. The next morning I called to talk and it quickly fell apart and he told me that he went to a female friends house and she gave him head. I had a complete breakdown. He then proceeded to yell at me about how he’s being honest with me but I still can’t be honest with him (this is also a very common topic. He is convinced I cheated on him but I honestly can’t blame him given my lying). After my breakdown, I told him I wanted to end things. He “admitted” that he did not engage in anything with the friend. He’s threatened to go fuck his friends, so I’m extremely uncomfortable with his female friends, but he has snuck out, without his location, to hang out with them multiple times. Again, justified by my previous behaviors. His ex, who I have the biggest problem with bc of his threats, is a child psychiatrist and he talks to her about the relationship. This is also the one he said he got head from. He told me that my inability to look past my feelings towards his ex when she helps him “regulate his emotions” contributes to his view of me as a bad partner.
I have extreme anxiety and pretty high but mostly functional depression. We’ve had talks about how being pressured into confrontation affects me but I still go against my natural need to collect my thoughts and feelings so we can try resolving issues when he needs to.
This morning, he was still ignoring me bc I went out with friends a couple of days ago. I am attending an expo, that I’ve been planning to for months. They give me anxiety and calling my partner in these times general escalates so I didn’t call. Instead I sent texts like normal with the intention of starting the convo throughout the day and then calling him on my way home when he’s off work and I’m not panicked. He gave me a passive aggressive “you’re not going to call me and resolve the issue? See why I’m upset?” I told him that I wanted to discuss the situation, but I wanted to do it when I wasn’t panicking. He began to yell about how I’m making him feel terrible by not prioritizing his feelings and trying to resolve the issue at hand. I made a mistake and said I wanted to handle the issue on my own time and I was going to call him later to discuss things. I am now being ignored, his location is off again, and I’ve called him multiple times and have sent texts.
The more I sit and think about things, the more I feel like a punching bag. He feels justified in his behaviors towards me bc of the things I’ve done. I’m starting to think he’s cheated on me, so a lot of projection. He lies to me blatantly. He disregards me feelings and calls me dramatic. My crying pisses him off.
I know it’s not a good situation rn. I want to be with him and I want to rebuild trust. However, he tells me I’m abusive. I think I’m shitty, but not abusive. I guess I’m just making sure I’m not terrible.
Tl;dr: partner justifies his behaviors bc of the wrongs I have done in the past. He takes off location, lies to me, and ignores me for days. Partner thinks I’m manipulative and my friends think he is.
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Your partner is abusive. It’s not your fault.
Could you ever imagine purposefully hurting him the way he’s hurting you? What would he have to do for you to feel justified to do that?
You are not manipulative. You are in an abusive relationship.
Why are you sticking with this relationship?
What part of this could possibly be better than being single and at peace?
Your friends are right.
Yes, he is abusive. No, you are not the abusive one. Yes, your friends are correct.
Your gut is telling you everything you need to know. You’re just not fully listening it. Break up and learn so you don’t get into another emotionally abusive relationship- or at least see the red flags earlier.
No, you want to be with who he could be. Think carefully about whether you want to be with who he actually is.
I would not. I do not have space for that level of tantruming and threats and brinkmanship in a partner. It’s the kind of behaviour I see in age 12 who are struggling with emotional regulation more than typical. In a typical child they’re long past that stage by twelve.
But in an adult? Yikes. No.