My BF (21M) strangled me in his sleep and now he doesn’t want to touch me(22F) anymore
We have been together for over 2 years now. Two weeks ago we were sleeping together and I woke up before him which rarely happens. I inched towards him to cuddle as I normally do when I find that we’re apart. Before I knew it, his hand was around my neck squeezing. This went on for hardly much time, like 3 seconds max maybe. For context, he’s way bigger than me, 88kgs and I’m 40kgs so it hurt and I couldn’t get him off. I was obviously frightened and I’m sure my face was a reflection of that and I whimpered. He came to and noticed what he was doing and immediately apologized. I was scared and pulled away from him and turned the other way trying to consolidate what happened. He apologized profusely and I told him it was okay since he was unconscious.
Later that day I went to campus and I was with my friends when he sent me a lengthy message apologizing and about how disgusting he felt and that he keeps thinking about how the look of terror on my face was burned into his memory and how he figuratively wants to cut his hand of every-time he looks at it. I found the message cute and I replied reassuring him that I’m okay and that was just a little spooked. It’s never happened before so there’s nothing to worry about.
He tends to be a guarded guy when he’s awake, especially with his neck area which I always found weird but he swears it’s because his neck is sensitive. So I figured he reacted instinctively in his sleep thinking I was a threat. Anyways I thought that was it but ever since the incident he touches me less and doesn’t invite me over to his place as often and shuts me down when I invite him over to mine.
I asked him about this and he says his busy. I’m not convinced. We’re both doing engineering degrees and I’m well aware of his workload. It’s a lot but it hasn’t increased. He’s a touchy guy, he always found an excuse to touch me when we’re together and he loves kissing me, forehead, nose, cheeks, everywhere and we haven’t had sex since and yes I do initiate. I also asked about this and he said he’s tired. He always looks at me with some remorseful like look as well, I don know how to explain it. Otherwise, we are normal. He’s still sweet and cute and funny just that aspect of our relationship is missing and I feel like it’s because of this minor incident.
I’m not sure what to do anymore. Any advice on a way forward is appreciated. Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did they navigate it?
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Sounds like he has a lot of guilt and trauma over this situation and likely doesn’t want to put himself into a position like this again.
My Grandad sleep fights and would keep attacking my Grandma in the night. Strangling, punching etc etc. They compromised by sleeping in different beds and different rooms.
Maybe you guys could have a talk about this and come to a similar compromise. Reassure him that what happened is not his fault but you want the relationship to continue in its levels of intimacy and affection and that if he is really uncomfortable with this after what happened then what compromise could the two of you come up with together to ease his worry that he will strangle you again or whatever
I would try to be upfront and say “I’ve noticed that our relationship has changed a lot. [List some things that you’ve noticed]. I’m worried about you and our relationship. Could you share with me what your perspective has been? I would love to find a way to move forward if we can while respecting what happened.”
I remember I hit my ex in my sleep, total accident/ fight flight, and that led to a rift in the relationship. We just talked about it a lot, and didn’t sweep it under the rug. Trust in myself and her took time, but we did it. We broke up, not over that, just due to different timelines for our career paths.
Please give him space. He’s processing something very dark. It sounds like this was a trauma response. I would send him reminders you’re there to talk but you won’t push.
Sounds like trauma. Has he ever been abused?
So you’re just ignoring this? No doctor, no speaking to professionals, nothing?
What if it happens again and this time he can’t stop?
What’s the plan then?
In my opinion:
I think it’s time to have a straight forward compassionate but firm and very frank conversation about what happened, why it may have happened, and what he is going to do about it. That you are with him and will support him, but will not tolerate no action. Actually, I’d have the minimal action be a therapist and or psychiatrist. And I would sleep in different rooms and lock the door.
No matter the reason, this is a pretty big deal and a huge safety risk for you. There needs to be a reason/diagnosis/treatment plan or you need to leave. Would you raise kids in this environment?
This seems like something that probably goes quite deep.
Sounds like he needs space to process what happened.
I think you should stop initiating intimacy. Instead make it clear that you are there to provide emotional support if he needs it to process what happened.
It really looks like a sign of past unprocessed trauma.
I think you need to put aside your needs and approach this with sensitivity and openness towards him.
It might help to be honest about it. Instead of saying “it’s okay, you were asleep and didn’t know what you were doing” admit to how really terrifying it was, i.e. face the reality of how it actually made you feel, it will make more sense to show him that you acknowledge how it actually felt. It will help with moving on from it.
Honestly, my main concern is how fast you were willing to say it’s OK and try and take care of him.
I don’t know your boyfriend, I don’t know if he’s a bad guy or not, I don’t know his trauma and it definitely seems like a complicated situation for him. I’m not passing judgment on him as a person. But the strangling incident is not something to brush off in favor of analyzing him. Sit with this moment.
With the size difference, with it being so sudden and clearly out of the norm for him, with this being someone you love, it sounds very scary. It’s OK if this changes how you act in the relationship. It’s OK if you’re scared. You being scared doesn’t mean he is a bad person.
A lot of people tend to fawn as a stress response. Basically when they’re scared, they cut off access to their own emotions and focus on catering to the other person. Don’t be afraid to express and process your own emotions.
It is a little worrying in general how quickly you brush off your emotions to focus on his. I hope that you’re doing OK and that you don’t have any trauma that’s affecting your responses. Please take care of yourself.
This is abuse. This is domestic violence. He can process whatever he needs but there is never any acceptable choking. Even if he is “asleep” (please seek help immediately. This is the first sign of something dark he needs help you cannot give him!) good luck I hope you get free ♥️
It’s understandable that you’re feeling uncertain about how to move forward, and I want you to know that what happened isn’t your fault, sometimes people react in ways they can’t control, especially when sleep-deprived or stressed, but it doesn’t change the fact that this incident has left a mark on both of you. How do you think you could create space for healing while still keeping the connection alive without pressure?