My partner (F29) and I (M29) just recently got engaged in St Tropez two weeks ago and it was grand and beautiful. That being said for some reason I feel a lot more anxiety than excitement. We have been together for 11yrs, and prior to that I was in a relationship for 1.5yrs and then 3.5yrs. I’ve essentially been in a relationship since I was 14 and never been single since then. Now I love my partner, but a part of me wishes I took some time to myself as an adult and know what life is like to make decisions solely for myself and not always have to consider someone else. Now that I’m engaged it feels that will never happen again.
There are also three other things that concern me:
a) Kids: I want kinds in about three to four years when I’m 33. She wants kids in her forties but is willing to compromise to when we’re both 38. Which feels too late for me. I don’t want to get married next year and then wait a minimum of 7 years to have my first child. b) Country of living: Before we started dating and when we were just friends in college, I always mentioned to her that I want to go back to live in my home country of Ghana, but she has no interest in living there. We’re both Ghanian but she hates the country, and I miss home so much. When I picture myself in my 50s, I only picture it in Ghana. She is an Investment Banker who wants to keep living in New York. Me giving up Ghana, also feels like me giving up my dreams of being single for a period of time in my adulthood. c) Friends: She doesn’t really have friends of her own. All her friends are ‘my boys’. I like hanging out with her and my friends, but sometimes I want to be just the boys. Anytime I hang out with my friends, she is alone, because she doesn’t really have friends.
Everyone is so excited for us to get married next summer but I’m so anxious. I have spoken to her about all three. In terms of kids, she is not willing to adjust her compromise. In terms of country, she says I can go for 1 – 2 weeks every couple month, but that is very different from living there. It feels like either of us compromising is giving up very big parts of ourselves.
TLDR: I’m not sure how to feel, the anxiety isn’t making me sleep well and breather well. Are these normal feelings?
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This does not sound aligned at ALLL. At all. Being together a long time is NOT a good reason to get married, friend. Not at all.
Alignment is the key to a long marriage. The issues you guys have now will only get worse with time unless one of you compromises what you actually want.
Does she know that your chances of having children go down drastically in your 30s, especially after 35, and that freezing your eggs is not really a guaranteed success?
All of these (legitimate) doubts begs the obvious question as to why you two got engaged. Someone isn’t communicating effectively in this relationship. Maybe have a conversation about the facts on the ground. Those being that you have a yearning to be single for a while and that unless she harvests and freezes eggs the chances of her conceiving healthy pregnancies in her 40’s is dubious. You also don’t even want to live in the same country, that’s a problem. Stop worrying about other people think and start getting serious about whether you’re just setting yourselves up for divorce.
updateme
Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about these things. At this stage, what is the position you’d like to get to regarding how you are feeling about all this?
You’re anxious because what you both want in life and for your futures don’t align. So it makes sense you’re anxious. Your gut is telling you this is wrong.
How come you stayed with her for 11 years, and it took you so long to propose? Was she prompting you to propose?
How did you make it 11 years without realizing that your dream of raising a family in Ghana and her high-powered New York investment banker lifestyle were never going to line up?
Of course, if you want kids in the next few years but simultaneously wish you were able to give the commitment-free life a try, I’m not sure you really do know what you’re looking for. But that’s not a situation where you want to be getting married, either, so pump the brakes and sort yourself out.
The hard truth you need to acknowledge is that this isn’t anxiety due to marriage in and of itself; this is you finally acknowledging after 11 years that you’re fundamentally incompatible. It’s not about wishing you took time to yourself (although you should have, and should). It’s about you being in the wrong relationship, and continuing to force it nonetheless.
You’re incompatible. It’s time to end things. Good luck.
Why did you get engaged? You’re not excited about getting married and you want completely different things from life – this isn’t cold feet, this is you recognising that you two are not compatible. Proposing makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
It’s really normal to feel overwhelmed when you’re about to make such a big life decision… especially when so much of your future feels up in the air. You’ve been through a lot together, but sometimes even the best relationships need a little reassessment before moving forward. Have you talked about what it would look like if things don’t go as planned?
So you have dramatically different plans for life and no compromise in sight.
I would start talking more about it and maybe cancelling the wedding.