I am 28F dating 33M for 2.5 years. I am not looking for “break up ” advice or “just dump him girlie” type of advice. This is more of a “how do I bring this up to him?” Type of post
I have always been the more active of us in the relationship. I have a crap ton of hobbies and don’t like to sit idle, while he is okay having a day in type of guy. I usually pay for a lot (not all but most) of the dates, I make more than him and for the most part I am okay with it
My problem here comes with, if I don’t plan a date we won’t do anything. Even down to “what do you want to eat?” “I dont care you pick”. Which I did have a conversation with him before about it and turns out he really actually doesn’t care about where we eat he just wants to go where I want. which is nice but having to think of every date idea is so tiring.
The last 3 months were rough. I was gone for June on military work, then July my grandpa passed away. It has been busy and we only went on 1 vacation with my sisters it was a weekend birding trip. (I planned it all and paid because it was a hobby me and my sisters did he just tagged along) . But besides that we did not have a single date night or anything because I have been so stressed that I didn’t plan anything.
He has felt so distant and I don’t know how to feel closer to him. In February (our anniversary) we talked about future plans and he said he wanted to get engaged this year. I also had that idea because I don’t want to be a 3+year girlfriend. He said he wanted to take me ring shopping but I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. But I told him my. Sister knows all of what I want. I feel like if I go and pick the ring out I might as well plan the engagement and propose myself.
Since then I haven’t heard anything about it and there is no movement in our relationship. We don’t currently live together but I am trying to buy a house. (I won’t let him help pay cause we aren’t legally married but he did offer and got upset I wouldn’t let him). I don’t know if he is waiting for me to buy the house or what. If he is I am kinda offended like does he only like me for what I have to offer (i.e. a house).
Anyway. I know there isnt like a point to this but opinions?
I really love this man cause he is so sweet and lets me slow down and enjoy life cause I am always running everywhere. But it is hard to feel appreciated when I give 100 all the time.
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Short but blunt answer—directly.
If you just beat around the bush about it for weeks or months, he’ll probably start to see it as nagging. “I need to share something with you that’s been bugging me. I love spending time with you, but I am getting exhausted from having to plan every date night. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. We need to work together to prioritize spending quality time together.”
He may not like it, but he needs to be pulling his weight. If you want to throw him a bone, have him try the LoveTrack app. It’s a free date night planning app that literally does all the work for him with things broken down step by step, supplies lists, etc. He still has to put in some effort, but it puts him into the “no excuse” category.
If after this conversation and giving him a way to help he still doesn’t change, you might want to come back for the advice you said you didn’t want. Hopefully, though, he sees it’s important to you and makes a change.
So this guy is a little lazy and holds no strong opinions. Marriage isn’t going to change any of that so maybe don’t be in such a hurry to get there – since marriage isn’t the end of the story, it’s the very beginning. So he is what he is and if you like being in charge he might be perfect for you. You’ll just have to accept that unless you stir the waters you’ll end up sitting in an idle pond. One note, letting him “surprise” you with an engagement ring is a sure way to end up back here asking if it’s okay to tell him you hate the ring he picked. It’s clear that you just want him to act and take some initiative on something, anything. The engagement ring is probably the wrong decision to just bow out of.
You’re doing most of the heavy lifting here, which is exhausting… but maybe schedule regular check-ins to voice your needs without waiting for him to initiate, and remind yourself that love isn’t just about effort, it’s about showing up in ways that matter to both of you, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.