Edit: I meant to put 65 as her age, that was a typo.
I’m happily married and know she’s going to be excited, but she has been absent from my life for the past four years, and neither my husband or I are keen having her around our future child.
For some context, I only hear from her if she needs something, she lied about my dad abusing her (I believed her at first because I couldn’t imaging why she would lie about such a thing, but after catching her changing stories and asking my dad for his side without telling him the context of why I was asking, I figured out she lied.) she also has no job, no desire to work, and lives through begging for sympathy and handouts.
I also found out through family that she’s been telling everyone how she wishes she had a good relationship with me, but “I hate her for an unknown reason and she can’t figure out what she did.” Every time I tried to talk to her about my feelings, she would tell me that I’m ungrateful, she was having a mental breakdown and couldn’t control her actions, or told me I’m overreacting and things aren’t as bad as I recall. She never once has taken accountability for her actions or taken my feelings seriously.
I just know as soon as I tell her I’m pregnant, she’s going to be all about becoming a grandma, despite her not being a proper mom. Part of me feels like it’s selfish for keeping her from seeing her grandchild, but another part of me wants to protect my child from conflict or anything inappropriate she might tell our child. We definitely would not leave her alone with our child and would supervise visits at all times.
I also know she’s going to want to throw me a baby shower but make it about herself and I also don’t want to deal with it. When I got married, she spent my entire bridal shower crying about her divorce, I had no say on the theme or decorations, and it felt like she threw a bridal shower for herself. I know my baby shower would be the exact same way, and if I tell her I don’t want a baby shower, she is going to throw a fit.
Basically I’m looking for advice on how to establish boundaries with this whole situation. How do I tell her I’m pregnant while also enforcing that we will let her know when she can come visit to see the baby, and that she is not entitled to anything just because she is a grandma?
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Your mum had you when she was 5?
I think you should move to a different state. Establish a real boundary for the sake of your future family. She is just going to try and tear you down because, from her point of view, itz not fair that you are having a good life while she is suffering in agony.
Seriously,move 700 miles away.
I know it sounds harsh, but you have to cut ties. She has all the classic behavior of a narcissist. She lied about your father abusing her. It’s no telling what she’ll lie about with your new bundle of joy on the way! I would say inform the family about her, but from the sound of things, they coddle her and her behavior. Don’t feel guilty. Also, I think there’s a typo in your title. You said your mom is only 35. Are you adopted? I’m just asking. Anyways, the only solution is to keep slowly removing her from your life. Narcissistic people tend to blow a gasket once their cover is blown, and it could make things difficult for you. Also, congrats! Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby!
Why are you in regular contact with your mom?
You don’t have to report everything to her.
If she is giving you so much grief, you should only see her once a year.
During the annual get together, then update her.
Watch the McAllister family on YouTube to see how Jen and Jonathan deal within mothers interfering behavior.
She has been basically absent for the last 4 years and you think you should reach out and tell her you are pregnant? WHY?!!! Go another 4 years and keep your peace
My wife gave her son up for adoption rather than allow him to be around her abusive parents, extended family and husband at the time.
We later found out that her ex is child molester and had abused his sons that he had access to.
Not saying your mom is this bad, but if you feel you need to protect your child from someone there is definitely a reason.
Whether you know at the time or not, there is a reason you are hesitant so do your best to keep your child safe.
I don’t have any advice on boundaries bc my family never acknowledged my boundaries for my entire life.
I hope you get some good ideas. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Neither one of my parents have meet my daughters whom are 17 and 14. I don’t regret not letting them meet my daughters and believe with all my heart that my girls are better off not knowing them.
There is absolutely no need to tell her that you are pregnant. Who cares if she told you she needs to be the first to know? That’s your choice not hers. You owe her nothing. Organise your own baby shower for close friends only. You don’t even need to have a baby shower to be honest. Be careful about who you tell. Avoid her flying monkeys. Don’t post it all over social.
She sounds like a narc. No good will come of telling her anything about the pregnancy. It will be used as a source of drama with anyone who listens to her. You will be wrong whatever you do. She might even try and move in with you.
Ignore her. Detached communication. Let her find out through the grapevine. If she decides to plan a baby shower, say a friend is already doing it or you aren’t having one. Just…grey rock.
She’s perfectly aware that you two have no relationship at best and a bad one at worst with her comment about your hating her. She knows! She’s highly sensitive, after all. If there’s drama?Let her spiral, it’s her job to regulate her emotions at some point.
Just don’t tell her until after the baby is born. You don’t need that kind of stress while you’re pregnant.
just tell her you’re bloated from carbs
Keep her on no contact. Your mother fits the description of the missing missing reasons perfectly.
You tell her you’re pregnant AFTER you’ve told the people you want to enjoy the news with and be close with.
You tell her on facetime with your dad and/or a relative from her side on the call, who knows and supports how you feel about her presence in your life.
She’s not entitled to a human being – especially YOUR tiny human being. No one is. You are a parent – you have the privilege and responsibility of putting the human who has no control over their lives and their time first.
The language is “her grandchild.” It’s just semantics.
Ask yourself why is it selfish – are you thinking of her as a person, or this universal image of anybody’s grandmother and their ambiguous grandchild? Is anyone who has done the things that she’s done entitled to a guardian-like role in a child’s life? Is any child deserving of the kinds of things she did to her own children?
You need to enforce reaaally strict and strong boundaries and be prepared to cut out family who sides with her. You don’t need the stress of having her in your life.. I would highly recommend cutting her out completely. She sounds like a narcissist and they do not change or improve. They will play the victim until the day hey die.
Honestly, you don’t have to tell her. I mean, eventually you will but you don’t have to tell her now. You can tell her by inviting her to your shower. I hope you are already talking to a counselor of some kind about this relationship.
Why do you have to tell her at all? It’s not a requirement.
Why are you telling her anything about your life? She’s been absent for the last 4 years. However she eventually finds out doesn’t have to come from you. Do not agree to a shower. How would she pay for it without a job?
> I hate her for an unknown reason and she can’t figure out what she did
Ah, the old lying liar.
You’re not obligated to bring her into your life. Why do it?