Some background: I deleted the old post but some of you may remember a post I made about 6 months ago about my wife in England on a trip going out with male friends alone, which to me were obviously dates. Many of you agreed with me, and when she got back to the states we resolved to work it out despite an agreed understanding that what she did was wrong and that she more or less cheated on me because she was trying to imagine what it would be like to be there without me. We spent the next 4 months in, I’m not joking, the best time in our relationship by a lot. Very frequent sex that was the best we’d had, lots of fun times and time together, and almost no arguing at all. It culminated with our anniversary dinner and feeling, without hyperbole, the most in love with each other we had every been.
Finally it came time for her to return to England with her parents (permanent relocation) with me right behind her with the pet in a couple of weeks. She cried at the airport, said she couldn’t wait to see me, her parents were very supportive and excited to see me there soon, I shipped a lot of belongings there… and a few days later she said she wanted space and to be single (she was really talking to one of the people from the first visit, being single has nothing to do with it).
So flash forward a month, I’m pretty much in the worst position I could be. Stranded in Florida far from my job, though family lives here. Moved out of my place, sold or donated all my belongings, and am living in the empty apartment of a very dear friend who happened to have it for me rent fee (but in an area that I hate and is bad for my mental health). I’m struggling at work due to the stress and sadness of the situation. Thankfully, my job is remote.
Now I’m at a crossroads – I have someone (29f) I’ve known for 5 years I’m very interested in who lives all the way across the country in California. We were extremely close friends (but never even thought of crossing any lines while married). I’m not delusional and I know this is at least partly rebound feelings, but she has suggested moving to the area since my job has by far the most opportunity there in the future. My main motivator for going right now though would be her, with the things for my own life secondary. We are not in a relationship or even casually seeing each other, but we’ve met up in person for work events and to me the spark is obvious.
I’m not super close with my family, but i know a lot of people would suggest staying near a support system. I like this new person a lot, but I worry about jumping straight into something so fresh and still dealing with the pain. I need to be honest with myself though, and I admit staying with my family in their state without a lease is kind of me just holding out hope my marriage will somehow come back together, whereas moving on with my life seems like shutting a door forever. The wife still reaches out occasionally and pokes for information: “are you going on dates? Where have you been staying?” Etc.
What do the cold and calculated folks of the subreddit think? What’s the best move from this limited information?
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Come to California, doesn’t matter why anyone comes here, you stay for the weather. You need out of Florida because you don’t like the area and are unhappy, things may or may not work out with your friend but come here anyway.
Tell me what City your going to and I’ll list the top five reasons you should want to live there. You can always move to Maryland and be up to your butt in snow if it doesn’t work out.
You need a change right now that is full of excitement and possibilities. Life is a series of highs and lows, you’ve been in the lows for a really long time, if this comes crashing down, so what? You aren’t made of cotton candy, you wont melt if it rains on your parade.
So while you’re waiting to find out if this will crash and burn you will get to enjoy the high while it lasts, and do so in one of the most beautiful states in American and most certainly the best weather.
You can’t be the weather here.
Come enjoy our sunshine for a while.
Dude, if you like the area, just go. You sound miserable where you are. Just go with eyes wide open about the relationship and don’t expect it will work just because you moved there. Again, make sure it’s a place you can see yourself happy with or without this person. I divorced eight years ago and am stuck in a place I hate because I have kids here. I literally count down the days until they are out of the house and I can leave. Don’t be me. Life’s too short to live somewhere you hate. Go make a fresh start.
You’re clearly not ‘relationship material’ at this point and it would be a shame to destroy a longstanding friendship by turning it into a rebound. But if you’ve got better professional prospects in the area where this friend lives and you’re pretty sure you’re headed for divorce you might as well at least try it. Just don’t let your emotional turmoil lead you to undermining this friendship. You need friends right now and there’s probably no shortage of strangers willing to serve as your frantic escape fling. So file the paperwork, make your move to this new area, focus on your work and maybe eventually you can start looking for dates (just not with your friend).
Go to California. If things don’t work out with your friend you are still in a much better situation there.
It sounds like you’re stuck between holding onto something that’s already slipping away and chasing something that feels blurry… which is kinda confusing because both paths seem heavy. Maybe focusing on what you can control right now, like sorting out where you actually want to be in six months, would help? What’s one small step you could take this week to feel more grounded?
Shut the door. Move on to Cali and get yourself in a better place. Start the divorce.