Last week, my childhood dog died at my parents’.
My gf and I have an active sex life, but haven’t done it since her death.
Last night, she asked if I want to, and that I can “fuck her as hard as I want.”
I told her no, and that I want to do some reading and do a second workout. (Home gym, which we both use).
She said that she’s sad because I don’t want sex and it’s been a week.
I told her that reading books and lifting weights help me relieve stress and make me happy. I also said that, if I go longer and harder, she’ll eventually stop feeling pleasure and I don’t want to do it during a moment when only one of us is getting off.
It led to a back and forth until I snapped and told her that I can’t be sexually aroused when I have a dead dog on my mind. When I’m ready to have sex again, I’ll ask her.
She called me a jerk for being morbid (I guess about the comment of my dog), and went to bed. She acted like nothing happened this morning, and was cheerful.
Edit: I’m not bothering to respond to other comments that spark the gender double-standard between men and women wanting sex, nor the ones putting words in my mouth. Also, I pointed out her cheerfulness because she usually hangs on to arguments until the next day. It made me feel a little nervous. Also, the context of me snapping was the back and forth. I don’t remember every detail of the argument. Use context clues.
Comments
Yes, YATAH….
for whining and posting this about gf wanting sex and poor you for not wanting to because your dog died.
You’re not. Imagine if a man was pressuring his girlfriend to have sex, and she didn’t want to. It’s the same with this, you shouldn’t do it if you don’t want to
Understandable but also kind of hard not to ya know. A dog dying is definitely hard. But that fixated to the point where you can’t have sex is definitely abnormal and not an aspect about your person that could be easily predicted. As a result of that it bothers her. All I can say try to not that about your dog. We all have needs, sometimes you have to give someone what they need even if it’s not necessarily what you want or need.
Yeah you’re kind of a jerk.
You’re allowed not to want to have sex. But she’s allowed to want to have sex. And she’s allowed to be sad that she doesn’t get to have sex.
This sounds like you’re upset with her for wanting to have sex and propositioning you. Nowhere in your post does it sound like she ever tried to force you or coerce you, so what exactly is the problem?
Also, I don’t get what you’re tryin to say with any of your comments. Sure, reading books and lifting weights might help you relieve stress and make you happy, but this sounds like you’re implying sex with her doesn’t make you happy.
And what does going and longer until she stops enjoying it have to do with anything? Why would you have to keep going if she stopped enjoying it? What has your ability to have more sex than she wants got to do with her wanting to have sex with you before that point?
NTA, wtf. GF is the AH.
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Nta your girlfriend is being insensitive and selfish. Also no means no and she should know that no goes both ways. She absolutely shouldn’t be pressuring you or guilting you when you’re not ready and have told her so.
NTA- She should be understanding that you’re upset and grieving. Everyone grieves different and she should be there to help you through your grief. She is making this time about herself by saying that she is sad that y’all haven’t had sex in a week when you’re going through something upsetting.
My best friend died a few months ago and I was grieving as well and my boyfriend understood that I wasn’t ready to be intimate like that and was there to hold me while i cried and to help me feel better.
NTA
Why couldn’t you explain it before it got to the “snapping” point? Why is it a problem that she acted cheerful and normal the next morning? Did you want her to angry and upset?
NTA
Grief is subjective. No two people experience it the same way or cope the same way. In fact, a single person will experience each loss differently.
By guilting you, she is putting her physical need for a romp over your emotional needs to process the loss of a living piece of your childhood that you loved very much.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Yta what’s your girlfriends number?
NTA. Your GF is buying into a cultural norm in some areas of the west where people pretend death doesn’t exist. So she’s mad at you for feeling your feelings instead of denying them. In other words she’s mad at you for being healthy, because she is sick.
Definitely good to find out early if your partner is more shallow than a puddle in July.
NTA.
It’s understandable to not be in the mood in time of grief.
That being said , I understand that your girlfriend want to have fun .
That ,okay.
She may not understand what that dog meant to you .
Her calling you a jerk show a lack of empathy.
I understand sexual frustrations but this is not the way. Especially If it was a one time rejection and that you are usually getting along about it.
Tell her ” Hey , I understand I’ve been distant since the family dog passed away .
That dog meant a lof and I’m grieving .
About the other night, I want to share how it made me feel , can we talk about that? “
Perhaps to her , she didn’t catch how it sounded.
NTA, if “no means no” that goes for both women AND men.
You’re OBVIOUSLY not in the mood, you made that clear, and she’s being selfish.
I’m going through something similar. Grief is awful. Sorry about the dog, buddy.
NTA. Grief presents in many forms, and it was a beloved pet you grew up with. She needs to give you time to process it. Your drive will come back naturally.
NTA.
I’m not grieving. I’m stressed with life right now, but not grieving. It still makes it hard to get in the mood.
My partner is a sex addict.
Guess what? He’s been comforting my anxiety and stress. He’s been talking, cuddling, he taught me how to play a video game, introduced me to a captivating show, and he’s doing what he can to take things off my plate.
While he constantly craves physical intimacy, my mind isn’t there right now, so he’s providing emotional intimacy instead.
Even though he doesn’t fully understand not wanting to use sex as a distraction or stress relief (again, sex addict. Plus good sex is scientifically proven to be very effective stress relief) he does fully understand that NO MEANS NO.
He doesnt pout. He doesnt push. He doesnt get upset about it. If he needs the release when I am mentally unable to get in the mood, he has a hand. Your gf has a hand. She can easily get toys. And she should have the emotional and mental power to figure out ways to comfort and support you while you’re going through it.
Um NTA. If you don’t want sex it’s completely valid no matter the reason. Especially if you’re going through something. I don’t think your gf understands how big of an impact pets have on our lives
It has literally been a week. Jeez. If she can’t go longer than that maybe she has a problem. But I do wonder if maybe OP tends to pull away during grief. It is possible she does want to comfort you physically. Which does not mean sex
NTA – if your partner prioritizes their sexual needs over your mental, emotional, and psychological well-being, they’re not your partner – they’re your problem.
NTA. You’re grieving and it has only been a week. She needs to respect the fact that you need some more time to heal.
NTA, perfectly normal to not be wanting sex during a period of grief.
Your GF was not great for how she reacted but if she is being cheerful now and not pressuring you further I would guess she’s maybe feeling a bit bad about it. An apology would be nice but we aren’t all mature enough for that.
If she does pressure you further it’s not acceptable and she’s TA.
Idk, some people who don’t have pets don’t seem to understand the grief others have after their passing. Its not weak or whatever weird stuff other comments said. They’re either children or have lobotomised themselves from emotion andrew taint style (….or both). And no women don’t hate it or find it weird. Source I am a woman and don’t think its weird. I’m normally a tough emotionless type but I cried rivers when my last pet died, definitely wasn’t in that mood for awhile.
NTA, your girlfriend is internalizing the rejection and is handling it awful. It’s a lot of society conditioning that all men want is sex, and it creates discourse around these kinds of back-and-forth conflicts. You are a human grieving the loss of a family member (your pup), and she is likely feeling like she is failing as a partner because you don’t want sex, which doesn’t mean she can be passive about your loss. Patriarchy is a hellavu drug. I hope she is more empathetic towards your emotions. From the post, it sounds like you communicated well about your feelings and preferred coping style. I get it. I tend to defer to lifting weights and running when grieving. Even when you snapped, what you said here was simply direct and doesn’t seem morbid or out of line.
I am so so sorry about the loss of your childhood pup. They never live near long enough <3
No one’s an asshole. Some people use sex to cope in these situations. Maybe she is wired that way 🤷♂️…maybe she just thought you needed to be bounced on 😉
Nah you’re in the right here. Grieve as long as you need to. Sex can always wait, and she should be considerate of that
I am sorry for your loss. You need to grieve at your own pace.
NTA. You are allowed to say “no” to sex for any reason. If you’re not up for it, you’re not up for it.
Grief hits everyone differently some want closeness others need space. The gym and a book are just your way of coping not rejecting her.
You are ALLOWED to LEAVE her and possibly should
NTA
Why are you posting about this on Reddit if she dropped the issue?
NTA. Your girlfriend was being very insensitive. Ypu need support, not sex.
Your girlfriend is an AH.
Definately Nao. Weights are great therapy for grief. Sorry for you loss, animals are awesome and much better company than most humans x
Most likely NTA, but if she asked you for sex and you said, “no, I want to read and do a second workout,” without any context, then yes, YTA. This wording makes it sound like you’d RATHER do this than spend time with her.
If you gave context like, “I’m not up for it yet; I’m still feeling pretty sad and I think what would help me is another workout and reading,” then NTA and your girlfriend is a jerk.
Sounds like you have been moping around for a week, your gf is desperately trying to do something to cheer you up, and you snapped at her pretty badly.
It’s understandable that you are grieving, but if you take it out on the world long enough, you WILL end up losing relationships eventually (like the one you have with your gf).
This is such a weird post. Why did you not tell her that you are grieving but instead mentioning that reading and lifting makes you happy? It’s also weird that you point out that you both use the gym? Also, I think if she makes the effort to seduce you and you turn it down, be gentle. The comment was in fact morbid. I don’t know, I see some communication issues here. ESH. Sorry about your dog.
NTA at all.
NAH. But, why not do both?
NAH, of course you don’t have to want sex and of course she has to accept your grief and your refusal. What I will say, the things you mention that you do are things that isolate you from her. Is that maybe the issue, that you pull away in your grief and she thought the best way to break that pattern (not saying I’d agree with this train of thought) is having intimacy through sex? I think the comments are overly harsh in that regard. Grief sucks, grieving a pet sucks, but it also sucks to be the person next to the grieving one. Again, not saying sex is the answer, just that maybe there is a conversation needed.
Nta. My dog died last November. Even if your dog didn’t die, you said no, and she just kept pushing.
Nah, your gf is the asshole here. She can go literally fuck herself; if one isn’t in the mood then toys are the answer.
I wish you the best, but you are royally screwing the pooch on this one.
So let’s set the tone, a dog, at your parents, not your dog passes. Condolences for sure.
Girlfriend, initiates, gets rejected multiple times.
How do you realistically think this is going to play out?
2 years from now someone significant in her family passes and she withholds you, then you’ll be right back here bitching and moaning about how she won’t help you.
NGL you’re an idiot, a quick little romp to make her happy and take your mind off this ever so precious pet is a small price to pay for a potential life partner.
Call your proctologist to help you with a cranial proctal evacuation or get a see through glass stomach implant.
A week? Jesus Christ get that woman a rose or something what happens if you get ill and can’t do the deed for months?
NTA.
You’re grieving the loss of a family. You’re grieving the way that helps you.
She’s an arsehole for not understanding this.
To some, a dog, cat, etc. is just a pet, but to a lot of us, they are an outright family member.
This wasn’t a good way for her to handle it, obviously. But girls in relationships aren’t usually the ones getting rejected so my guess is that she had to process that quite a bit. I wonder if the cheerfulness is due to a bit of embarrassment that she handled it that way? Or maybe, hopefully, realized that she was being callous about your grief when it’s still new? Either way NTA