I’m a woman in my 20s and currently in a PhD program in mechanical engineering. There’s a family member (mid-40s) who’s not immediate family. For years, she was the only one in our extended family with a master’s degree (in union labor relations), and that was a big part of her identity. She’s a stay-at-home mom now, but she used to talk a lot about how hard grad school was “back in her day,” especially because of things like taking the GRE. It’s clear being the most educated person in the family meant a lot to her.
Ever since I started my master’s (and now PhD), she’s become oddly dismissive or competitive. When I posted that I was nervous about starting grad school, she commented, “Whatever, I did it.” When I shared that I’d just taken the hardest math class of my life, she replied, “Times tables?” The “Times tables?” was such a weird comment because why would a grad level math class in an engineering PhD program just cover times tables?
She didn’t like or say anything when I announced starting my PhD, or when I passed major milestones like my qualifying exam. Meanwhile, she regularly likes and supports other family members’ posts about jobs, travel, etc. She posted about her niece graduating from highschool and how she was the “smartest person in the entire family” but never liked my post about starting my PhD.
It’s not that I need her validation. I’m proud of what I’m doing. But it feels weird and kind of petty. I’ve never bragged or compared degrees. I’m just sharing what’s going on in my life. And honestly? I thought she’d be proud or at least supportive. Instead, it feels like she’s bothered by it. like my academic path threatens how she sees herself.
I haven’t brought it up directly because it feels petty to confront someone over a Facebook comment, but it’s starting to wear on me. It makes me second-guess what I share, and I find myself dreading her replies (or lack of them).
tl;dr I think 2nd cousin is threatened by my education. Is this something worth addressing?
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I understand how you are feeling; my mother experienced similar and it did take a toll on her. After a while she started caring a lot less on what the family thought, she told me she accepted that trailblazing within your small bubble comes with haters, she said “the more haters you have the better you are doing, just let them simmer in their own vitriol as you are embrace your success”.
Just live your life, and don’t think about her
You don’t have to make your fb post visible to all your friends.
All you can really do is feel sorry for her, it’s clearly coming from a place of insecurity and you know you’ve done nothing wrong. If you’re looking to attempt to build a bridge, though I wouldn’t blame you for not caring about that, but you could reach out and tell her that you took her success as inspiration as a way to give her a little boost. Or just ignore her. Congrats on your accomplishments!
It’s really sad that she can’t support you, but she is showing her own ass here. Keep posting and sharing your news. At the most, I might post something like “Wow, okay,” if she shares a really mean comment, but this doesn’t sound like someone who is going engage sincerely if you bring up the issue. Let her ruin her own reputation by being petty.
as a female with a masters degree and a child who used to be a sahm when the kid was 2-3 years old, ill try to give some insight on how i felt and some of my friends who ate sahm feel:
at the beginning i loved it. it was great to be home with the kid. so much free time, so much stuff to discover with the kids. but really fast i got kinda annoyed. it was the same everyday. i was overstimulated and bored out at the same time. i envied my friends with no kids, cause they got to persue higher education, go to work and shit alone.
it got really on me and i was happy when that year was over so i could start working. happiest day of my life: new conversations, new people, BRAINSTIMUMATION! i got to be a human by my own again. mom friends are great, but in the end you tend to talk about everyday life (kids, diapers, trips to the er… youre not LEARNING).
my mom friends who stayed at home for longer or still are at home. get the same feeling of beeing bored and overstimulated at the same time. you see others gain financial stability, go on trips etc and youre… home. in charge, doing care. and thats not fullfilling for alot of people.
i can imagine her being bitter, because you shouw her what could have neen in another timeline. mybe she wants adult conversations, afterwork drinks and the possibility of staying out late.
motherhood, staying at home and such is great, but theres a downside to everything and when youre bitter yourself, the grass is greener on the other side.
its all about balance. now, i work 4 days a week, my husband too and i get to mom 3 days a week, which accounts to great balance. but honestly, id gotten really unhappy if i had stayed at home for much longer. also, its reaaaally hard to find a job when youve been home for a while.
that much text to say: im really compassionate with that woman and i can imagine that youre irritated. if i was her, id love grown ups to come visit, talk to me-me not mom-me and ask me about how im truly feeling and if motherhood can be exhausting and about the truth of staying at home. just somebody who listens and maybe just pretends to understand.
again: being a mom is great but it can lead to some kind of identity crisis
So proud of you op. I hope you continue to succeed and stop caring about the weird aunt. Some people need to shit of others because their life is miserable.