I was assaulted when I was a child and I was able to repress it for nearly 2 decades. Then some years ago, my sexual fantasies started being about about the assault itself. as time went on, the fantasies turned away from the boy who assaulted me but remained about my young self getting sa’d. I feel sick with shame. I want therapy but I can’t afford it and I’m not sure how I’d even bring this up if I could. how do you admit to someone you have these monstrous, pedophilic fantasies and then expect them to help you? I don’t want to be this, I don’t want to end up perpetuating a cycle of abuse. I just want a normal life
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Seek therapy otherwise you may continue to spiral.
Do you have health insurance? Some therapists take it with a very very minimal copay. I know you said you are not able to afford it, but if the co-pay is only $10… I’m sure you can spare that at least once a week? Definitely at least try to look up therapists in your area. If you feel as if you’re going to act on them, call the police. Go to a police station. Go to a hospital. Go anywhere that there will be professionals to help you.
There are a lot of free support groups through local organizations (depending on location) for trauma survivors as well as ones specific to SA. I suggest you look into that. It wont be somewhere you can get down deep into that stuff, but hearing others perspective’s and stories can be helpful, and it also gives you a place to talk about things as well as make connections with others who have struggled in similar ways.
I think this is normal, I used to have them too but as I grew older they became less frequent and now I don’t have them anymore.