First a little back story. At the end of May, my wife and I found out she was pregnant. We are very very excited and so far the pregnancy has been going well for her, but since it was early days decided to hold off telling people outside our families.
My family has a very large, very close friend group. The parents all hang out together and the “kids” have grown up together, usually getting together a couple times a month. One person in this group, lets call her Mel (37F) is the stepsister of one of these childhood friends (lets call her Jen). Mel’s mother and Jen’s father didn’t get together until Mel and Jen were in their early 20’s so she hasn’t really grown up with the rest of us and has always felt like an outsider, despite our best efforts she doesn’t really get along with most of the group.
My wife on the other hand gets along well with the entire group and after many years together doesn’t feel like an outsider, in fact Jen helped plan my wife’s bachelorette. But because she also joined the group later in life her and Mel have developed a close friendship.
Last night we had a dinner with the group and decided it was finally time to tell them. Everyone was super excited for us. Afterwards though, my sister reached out to me to tell me that her and Jen had gone for dinner about a week ago where Jen shared that she already knew about the pregnancy, and that a few others in the group, including some of the parents also knew. My sister wanted to hold off telling me until we had made the announcement so it wouldn’t ruin the moment for us, despite others already knowing.
It turns out that at a dinner with some of the group, and parents about 1.5 months back, when it was still early in the pregnancy Mel had gotten drunk and announced “she knew something no one else knew” and told them of our pregnancy. I guess my wife in her excitement had let Mel know the news pretty early on, which I was not aware of. According to Jen, Mel not only shared this news but a lot of other personal conversations my wife and Mel had shared that did not paint my wife in the best light. Most of the group understood that Mel was purposefully trying to create drama and thankfully none of those negative things were taken seriously, mostly because my wife has a good relationship with the group, whereas Mel does not.
Here is where I struggle on what to do next, my wife has not had the best track record with her own friends, many of them in my opinion are flakey, self-centered and only do things when it benefits them. They didn’t even plan her bachelorette, part of the reason Jen stepped up to help. If I tell my wife what Mel has done, I think it will destroy her, and destroy the “friendship” she has with the closest person in the group. Not only that, Mel will know that someone in the group told me and it will create more drama with Mel and the rest of the group, which she can’t really separate herself from due to the fact that as I mentioned the parents and the kids see each-other on a regular basis. Mel is not the kind of person to back down, she’ll go on a full on attack and would likely share other conversations that my wife and her had to try and cause more drama in the group to drag me and my wife into the mud with her. This is stress that my wife does not need during her pregnancy. Part of me thinks I should just keep this to myself and speak 1:1 with Mel to express what she did was not okay and hope that it ends there, but I can’t really stop my wife and Mel from speaking and who knows what Mel would say in the future to try and stir up more drama.
Do I tell my wife, risk a much greater fight and cause unneeded stress during her pregnancy. Do I keep it to myself, let my wife enjoy the excitement of telling people but risk Mel spilling other secrets in the future or is there a 3rd/4th/5th option that I’m not seeing?
TLDR – Wife told 1 outside member of my friend group about her pregnancy, who shared it, along with other personal conversations with the rest of the group. Do I tell my wife what happened and risk more stress during her pregnancy, speak to the person who spilled the news and leave my wife out of it or is there another option I’m not seeing?
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I guess tell your wife.
Your wife is not a child or a delicate glass figurine. Tell her and come up with a plan for how you’re going to deal with this together. Frankly, there are already way too many people involved for this to stay secret, and keeping Mel around in any capacity means there’s going to be drama whether you like it or not.
Your wife doesn’t need stress like this right now. I’d say to defer telling her. In the meantime, talk to Mel. Tell her it ain’t cool.
Your wife will find out at some point in time. The question is whether you want to be another person hiding it from her when the time comes.
It’s not your fault, ask Jen to come over and break the news so she knows she has a friend and you there. Mel will continue doing things like this, because people like her do. It won’t ruin your pregnancy, she doesn’t get to sap your joy.
Why create even more drama and stress? Talk to the person directly and then if that doesn’t go well, share it with your wife. Either way tell her eventually but not when pregnant.
You need to talk to your wife about this, but maybe wait until she’s in a better headspace and approach it gently… just make sure you set some boundaries with Mel so nothing else slips out, because that could spiral fast.
It’s so much worse for your wife to keep confiding in someone who is betraying her like this. You would be hurting her more by not telling her what you know, or encouraging the person who told you to tell your wife.
Mel is a shit stirrer and I would be wanting to minimise contact especially with what I would share with her, so I would tell your wife. I would make a plan to just not engage with her anymore and pass myself if I’m a group setting. Don’t let her spoil this special time. Should like she’s jealous to me.
Your wife will find out eventually, and you’ll be in the hot seat if she finds out you knew. Tell her right away and decide together how to deal with Mel.
Tell your wife so she doesn’t make an announcement to people who already know. She also needs to know that she can’t trust this friend.