So it’s my husband’s birthday and I just found out a guy I wasn’t close with but had known for like 16 years died. I feel kind of dumb but I am not sure how to deal with this. I feel weird about his death (obviously) but I’m not sure what the etiquette around this and a birthday is? I don’t want to make my husband’s birthday about me, but also I feel a little weird not mentioning that someone I know died. If it were someone I’d been actually close with it would be different but this feels? Confusing?
My husband and I have been together 7 years, married 2.
TL;DR: what do you do if someone you’ve known for a long time but weren’t close with dies on your spouse’s birthday?
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You can mention it tomorrow, as you won’t be grieving and hiding tears.
It’s normal to feel conflicted. Grief doesn’t have a schedule, and it can show up even if you were not super close to the person.
It’s okay to feel weird about it. You knew him for 16 years, that’s enough history to feel something, even if you were not close.
Your husband will probably understand if you bring it up. It does not mean his birthday is ruined, it just means life happened on the same day.
Grief is complicated. Don’t judge yourself for having mixed feelings. It doesn’t have to be logical to be valid.
Mentioning it once won’t steal the spotlight from your husband’s birthday. If anything, it lets him support you too.
If it were me, I would (the same as any other day) tell my partner about the death, we’d talk about any feelings I had, and then move on with the day including any birthday celebration.
Does your history with your partner make you think he’d get upset if you mention anything that’s not about him or his birthday?
Celebrate your husbands birthday. Tomorrow is a new day and then you can give thought to finding stuff out about the funeral etc; . It’s not being disrespectful as he wasn’t family he was an aquaintance you’d known for 16yrs. You can still pay your respects.
Not the same, but when my great grandma died on my brother’s 8th birthday, my parents waited until the next day to tell us (I was 9 and my brother was 10)
If you’re not super close to the deceased, I would wait for tomorrow to talk about it
When someone like this dies in our home, we mention it, say “oh wow, he was too young” and we move on.
If a persons life wasn’t intertwined with your life, why would that persons death affect your whole day?
Does your husband really care about his birthday?
I think you can wait a day to tell him.
My step brother passed on my dads birthday years ago (my dad was his stepfather). Unfortunately these things happen, and being honest and open about how you’re feeling is important. Your husband loves you, and i imagine he wouldn’t want you to carry that burden alone. Try not to make the focus of the day on the passing, but i think its important to mention it.
What etiquette are you worried about? Things other than your husband’s birthday can happen on that day, why is it a big deal to say “Hey I found out that my old friend Bob Smith died today, I’m pretty shocked. I will keep in touch with Anna to find out about a funeral or memorial service.”
And then have the rest of your day.