So I have been hooking up with a Chinese-American girl at my university for about 4 months. We’ve been hanging out a lot recently and we’ve become close friends. For the record, she had never been with anyone who wasnt asian before. Ive dated or been fwb with girls of multiple different backgrounds, race is not really something i think about when im with a person unless obviously its the topic at hand. She is normally really sweet, however some of the things she’s said to me about chinese guys and asian american men in general have made me uncomfortable. But it also feels like its not really my place to push back (like a white guy trying to lecture an asian person about being anti asian??) so I just change topics when she goes there. I don’t know if she thinks I’ll be somehow impressed or something but its just uncomfortable. And even if it’s not my place, it still strikes me as weird and hateful.
I could look past her fixation on physical “differences” between me and her exes, even though its uncomfortable and not actually flattering at all (if anything its the opposite because it feels impersonal, like im checking a box for her). But some of the things shes said to me almost sounds like she gets some sort of satisfaction from the idea of asian guys being lonely. If thats true, enjoying other people’s unhappiness is towing the line on sadism to me, and it just makes me wonder about her. She also shared a scenario with me early on when we were talking about sexual fantasies that I didn’t really think much of at the time, but in this light I feel might be kind of demented.
She’s said things about asian guys being bad at talking to girls, socially stunted, generally unattractive, she’s fixated on what she perceives as physical differences, she said “Chinese guys beat their wives” (even though her whole family is Chinese and when I asked she said she’s never actually seen that directly. Plus we have asian guy friends and none of them have ever beaten anyone), she paints in broad strokes like that.
Like I said before however, she’s normally very sweet, shes never actually mean to anyone. There’s a lot of asian students at this university, we BOTH have a lot of asian guys in our friend group. She isnt weird or mean to them and doesnt talk shit about them either. So I dont know if im overthinking all this and its just her way of dealing with some sort of trauma, or just some sexual thing I dont understand. Also keep in mind this is only 5 or 6 things shes said over the 4 months we’ve been hanging out. But we’ve been acting a bit more romantic recently and honestly its been bothering me more and more remembering. Is this my gut talking to me? I have pretty severe OCD so often i really cant tell if Im overthinking something and making a problem out of air. Does this all seem like a red flag?
Edit: clarifying paragraph
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You haven’t explained anything you’ve said, and you say it’s only a handful of times in the few months you’ve been dating. We really need more information than that..
If you find enough good things in this relationship to stay in it you might just tell her you’re generally a kind person and it pains you to hear her wish sadness on anyone. Taking glee in anyone else’s unhappiness though is probably a character flaw you don’t want to ignore. You’re both young and this probably isn’t the person you’ll grow old with. But her behavior begs the question as to how she’d treat her own Asian (or half Asian) sons should she ever have any.
This does exist as a kink of sorts, so that may be what’s going on here. You could probably ask her more questions and maybe just tell her it makes you a bit uncomfortable.
Okay so:
(1) Without knowing what exactly she said, it’s hard for us to determine how big a deal it is, especially since she’s not said it very often
(2) It might be the case that she’s under a lot of social/familial pressure to date or marry within her race. This isn’t uncommon, and can cause some understandable frustration and resentment.
On the whole I believe many asian women living in western countries believe they are dating up by dating a western guy.
You are right to feel uneasy. As a woc , I can say that being fetishised by white men makes us feel uneasy and there is much said and written about this recently. But some times people go the opposite direction and find dating someone white to be validating – trauma, trauma, trauma. She is not only dealing with internalised racism here, but also fetishising you. And you are right about checking the boxes, it’s not about who you are and how you feel about her, but your race and status that comes with it. It’s very complicated situation
We don’t know what she said but shit talking men of their own race is a pretty common trait amongst Asian women.
What did she say specifically. Its more nuanced than this but a lot of women of color go after guys who are a different race than them because of deep rooted social issues or customs within their own ethnic group.
Sometimes its just internalized racism, but sometimes it’s a result of something like trauma or her trying to avoid guys that are the same flavor of traditional or conservative that people in her ethnic group are.