Hello all,
For context I had my daughter at 34 weeks. And this is all projections from my dad. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
It reads:
From your post on the internet, other people pointed my attention to, I have learned that am a disappointment to you as a father.
I am – sorry I’ve been such a bad father. take 99.98% of the responsibility – for our relationship.
That said, if I may, would like to draw your attention to a couple of things: You have time to post all kinds of things on the internet. but you had no time or care enough to let your father know how you really felt. You never call unless I call you first. When have you picked up a – phone just to call me to ask how am l doing or if I am still alive or not? Do really you care?
I stopped calling simply because you did not even bother to return my calls. There were times when you were too busy to call or text to simply acknowledge the fact that I sent you money. Remember all those times when you invited me over for dinner or included me in your family’s plans?
Remember all those holidays we’ve spent together because you wanted to spend the time together? When was the last time you expressed interest in my life; where I came from, what my childhood was like, who my parents were? Who were the people that meant something in my life that mattered to me?
Do you care, who were the people whose blood is flowing in your veins, without whom you would not be here? There are two sides to every relationship. I don’t expect you to see mine. Based on your feelings for me and the above facts, it seems our father- – daughter relationship sailed away without us a long, long time ago and it’s unlikely it will be coming back.
I am not trying to prove anything or to make you feel guilty. We are way past that point.lt is what it is. What once was will never be again. Who knows what the future holds? hope you find your way in life. Our time here is short- make the most of it.
You were given a life; it is up to you to live it the best way you can. I wish you and your family well.I hope your spouse never lies to you, steals from you, or tells you to get the fuck out of your own house.
I hope you don’t see your children suffer through a major illness, surgeries, recovery rooms, –
hospital stays, etc. I hope you never have to see your child take their last breath.
I hope your children, after they grow up and have their own families, don’t judge you or post on the internet what a disappointment you are.
Maybe you will understand how I feel a little better when your children show you the same appreciation, respect, and consideration you have shown me. It’s possible you will not. choose not to be a burden. I have no expectations, don’t hold on to resentments, nor do I blame anyone. Whatever time I have left, I chose not to be an “afterthought.” I don’t need superficial relationships based on pretense, coercion, deceit, or lies.
l have resigned myself and have accepted the fact that am going to be a “dick” no matter what I do. I am sure there is always going to be (names redacted)or whoever else to fulfill that role and take my place. True love isn’t personal. Like sunshine, it doesn’t pick who to shine on; one over the other.
It either is or it isn’t. If nothing else, remember: NO-THING and NO-ONE can be owned or ever belong to us. Eventually, all of us will have to let go of everything and everyone Everything is just as it should be because it already is.
Always
Love, Dad.
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Yuck, I hate this. My dad sent me a similar email about 8 years ago after I cut him off. I’m sorry OP. I hope you and your kid are doing well.
I received a similar letter from my nfather after being NC with him for 15 years. No one deserves this.
I do find it ironic that he takes 99.98% responsibility for the state of your relationship but doesn’t mention a single thing he did wrong. You might be able to laugh about this someday.
It’s crazy how we all go through different things but at some point we’ve all heard version of the same ideas/thoughts. “Whose blood is flowing through your veins” – like right, I’m sure you were thinking about that when you made my life miserable. “lt is what it is. What once was will never be again.” – sir that should have been the beginning and end of your letter (sir this is a dennys).
Anyway, I, a stranger from the internet, wish you happiness and healing.
Ugh what a bunch of obnoxious word salad. What is it with narcs and their word salad? They say much of fucking nothing all the time…
My narc dad also pulls the “life is short- move on!” Card. lol
Do not reply him but instead document that letter in case he sends more to manipulate and guilt you
WHEWWWW this got me. my dad sends things like this, nearly verbatim. protect yourself and show your children differently, thats my plan. sending you hugs. this always feels so hard.
Its the typical narc “well I only am like this / did whatever only because you…”
They’re always the biggest victim, and are only reacting to something someone they did to them first – in their mind at least; so they’ll always feel righteous and justified
I got a very similar letter from my dad when I was 12. He took me and two of my friends on a trip, I loved every minute of the trip and thought we all had a great time, then a day after we got home he wrote me a two-page-long handwritten letter berating me for not including him in my activities with my friends on the trip, not offering to buy him an ice cream or some other token of my appreciation for taking us on the trip, not expressing my gratitude in a bigger way than saying “thank you.” It was so normal at the time to get something like that from him, I forgot all about it and then found it again in my 30s and it fucked me up all over again.
A narc is not capable of self reflection or humility. He is not able to actually see the pain he causes you. And god I know it hurts that they will never understand the pain they cause you.
I feel weird even saying this. This letter reminds me so much of my dad and how he talked about things. He died years ago and I miss him sometimes. I sometimes wish he could see some of my accomplishments. I sometimes wish I could ask him a question. But those times are very, very few and far between. For the most part (99.98% of the time, to quote your dad) I feel relief. I’m so thankful I never have to receive a letter like this. I’m so thankful this kind of nonsense is over.
Omg these narcs are all the same “I am sorry I hurt you BUT YOU DID THIS-YOU DID THAT! YOU YOU YOU!” pathetic
“It is what it is”- I heard my own dad just then. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP- one nice thing about Ndads, its NEVER about you, it’s always about them. Thus, these kinds of letters are never actually about your faults or what you did, it’s always about them and how they perceive reality. Hugs
I had to stop at you didn’t tell him directly that he was a bad father. If you’re like me, you’ve asked and asked for (change) but it fell on deaf ears. He hears what he wants to hear. Sorry, girl. Just know I feel your pain.