okay so this is going to come off very opinionated. apologies in advance. i’m posting this to get some new perspectives or grounded thoughts.
so i’m a woman in my 20s. i’ve been in 4 long term relationships (2+ years each), 3 with guys my age and 1 with a much older guy. in each relationship, i broke it off with them. i wouldn’t blame them and they weren’t bad people, but it was more like i was not willing to be miserable or unhappy for the sake of remaining in a relationship bc i loved the person.
now, it’s true im still learning even more deeply about myself, self knowledge, my core wounds and triggers, my inner patterns, pains and motivations. that’s where i’m at right now. learning from the mistakes i made in previous relationships – and friendships – so as not to repeat them. I do like the thought of romantic connection, so I wish to be as fully self aware and healed as possible, plus financially and emotionally secure, to make healthy choices.
but i’ve been reading subs like r/deadbedrooms and others, and it’s gotten me so confused and honestly very bewildered.
I’m reading young people in their 30s or even early 40s resigning themselves to misery and frustration like a marriage or a relationship is a prison. Or people saying they’ve been married for 10,15, 25 years and they feel awkward and uncomfortable around initiating intimacy with their partners and suffering these massive humiliations when they get rejected.
Being continuously rejected by your partner and staying in the relationship is a crazy concept to me, I’m sorry. So many of the posts I read there, or even the posts I read in a lot of relationship subs really just sounds like some people’s partners just don’t like them. Or they just don’t like their partners. But yet they remain in the relationship. What’s going on there? Like yo it’s not prison you can leave 😭
I’m not trying to be judgmental. I know that people get really depressed, go through hard things or fall sick in relationships and people seek to preserve the connection out of love so they stick around and try to help. I do understand those cases. I’m also not talking about cases of abuse.
And it’s not a gendered thing either. It’s not a “it’s the man’s fault” or it’s the woman’s fault” thing. I read situations where male or female, it was clear that the person’s partner did not pay attention to them, was not attuned to them, dismissed them, disregarded them, was passive aggressive, and it’s like they just didn’t like them. Maybe they “lost the spark” (another concept I can’t rationalize why someone would remain in a dull relationship).
I just don’t get it. If you no longer like your partner and you feel resentment and disdain towards them that you’re unable to overcome, why remain in the relationship? And if your partner is treating you this way, married or not, why remain?
My parents are divorced – and thank god. Best thing that ever happened to all of us. Their marriage was terrible, and it created a very abusive and toxic atmosphere growing up. that’s why i don’t even get “staying for the kids.” The children KNOW when you and your partner are at odds/distance. They feel that turbulence and animosity.
That’s why I also believe you need to plan early and always have your own money and savings so you’re never just “stuck” somewhere where you’re miserable.
This was quite long. But it’s something that’s been on my mind for a few days.
Comments
I am happily married been with my partner for 13 years and I have an amazing sex life. You won’t find me making posts to tell everyone how amazing my sex life and how happy I am because it’s weird and something I don’t need to do. There isn’t a subreddit to highlight amazing sex so you’re not going to see those posts. What I am trying to say is that internet won’t give you great examples of healthy relationships because we are out there in real life enjoying each other. Is marriage for everyone? Nope. Is marriage going to make you happy? Maybe if you choose the right person and work at it.
I have found a few things in marriage that might provide insight. I like to think my marriage is a happy one, though we have our struggles and at times it feels impossible. My husband and I have come a long way together. I can honestly say I am a much better and happier person since being held very much accountable for my behavior all of the time. It is not just for love but for friendship and partnership. We have gone to couples counciling a couple of times to work through issues and I have gone to therapy to deal with my depression and anxiety. I now hold down a regular job to contribute to the household. My partner feels awkward initiating sex so I do it, not the best fix but it works. He will work on it in his own time. It’s not super romantic most of the time it’s more of a life partnership that we work towards together and regularly express commitment to keep going.
You have to understand that when you read these subreddits, you are only getting one side of the story. So the “it was clear that the person’s partner did not…” whatever…isn’t quite always true.
People stay together for a variety of reasons for example: finances, religious beliefs, hope, kids, thought of time invested being a waste, fear of being alone, etc. etc.
So not all relationships are the same. My idea here is that communication is always key. Even if it may seem confrontational to communicate the needs, wants, and expectations of what you want in the relationship. I’m not saying, yell, but in a healthy manner communicate it. Maybe you’ll get 100% of your ask, maybe only 30 or even 0%. Heck, even a non answer is an answer. So you have to decide whatever is placed on the table if you’re willing to work with that or if it’s a non negotiable to continue the relationship weighing everything.