I had an ED in college. I won’t mention my behaviors here because I know that can be triggering for other people with EDs or in recovery, but still please be careful.
After a lot of work, I found that if I can block out numbers, I can avoid the compulsion to engage in ED behaviors and the accompanying distress. One thing I’ve done to accomplish this is avoid looking at my weight. When I go to the doctor, I step backwards onto the scale and I ask the office not to tell me my weight or print it on my visit summary. It has done me wonders. I have not had any ED related distress or behaviors in years because of this.
Last week, I went to the doctor. The nurse took my weight and height and brought me into the exam room for my vitals. When she was done, she told me all of them. Including my weight.
I know she had no idea how much that would affect me, and she probably didn’t even know that I asked to not know that info. I tried to breath through it and tell myself it wouldn’t matter. I have been healthy for years, I can handle this.
But it’s a week later, and I’m still ruminating over this information. My fiancé has noticed a change on my behavior and asked about it. I’m too embarrassed to tell him what’s going on, so I just brushed it off as, “not feeling well.” I am struggling to keep myself in recovery. I mostly just wanted to get it off my chest, but I’d take some advice or encouragement.
EDIT
Oh gosh you all are making me cry over here. Thank you so much for the love. I can’t respond to you all individually because I’m at work with a slow connection, but I appreciate all of you so so so much. Thank you.
Yes, I need to tell my fiancé. He is my best friend, the love of my life. He knows I had an ED and respects my boundary on numbers. It was hard for him at first because he’s an athlete and enthusiastic home cook and is hyperfocused on every possible number to support his training and measure his success. But now that he’s in the habit of keeping his numbers to himself, it’s easy. He already made what he considered a pretty big change to support me and did it without batting an eyelash. I know he wouldn’t shame me for this. The embarrassment is a me-issue. I feel so much internal shame for what feels like a failure.
I had a specialized therapist back when I was first fighting for recovery, but have not seen one in years. I’ve been using some of the tools she taught me, but I may look into getting in with her again.
Last, I really think the nurse made a genuine mistake. I’d never seen her before and it was super early in the morning. I think she was new and a little flustered. I’m a little cross with whoever trained her, but still, I know things happen. I will be better about alerting people at each appointment to keep the info to themselves rather than relying on whatever system they have in place.
Comments
If I could hug you I would.
I can only encourage you to talk to your fiancé. I’m certain that he would want to be there for you.
It’s so hard to feel like you’re slipping back into old patterns when something as simple as a number can trigger so much, but knowing you’re not alone in this struggle makes it easier to keep pushing forward.
I’m so sorry.
I have a form of disordered eating and even during both my pregnancies, every single time I was weighed I reminded the nurses to never tell me my weight.
Even now; at every dr appt, I remind them to not tell me. I get on the scale backwards and let them know to not tell me.
For them to just go about and tell you is so disrespectful.
I hope that you can use whatever tools you have and maybe reach out to anyone really close to you that knows your struggle? I hope the best for you!
You are strong. You have been doing this for years. You can do it. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
Don’t be afraid to share this with the people who love you. Let your fiance know about what’s happening to you and your issues. You dont need to carry this by yourself. The people who love you are there to support you.
❤️
you’re ok, you didn’t spin out. you’ve been so healthy! keep doing what you’re doing. it might be helpful to confide in your fiancé, if he’s truly supportive. you don’t have to feel ashamed to say that you’re struggling with some negative emotions. naming the problem sometimes helps it find the exit door. big hug if you need that! you can do this! you are doing it! 💪🏼
You’re right, you can handle this. Fuck yeah you can.
But you don’t have to handle it alone. Tell your partner what happened. Let them be there for you, just like you’d do if they were dealing with something.
And when you’re ready and far enough away from this, call the doctors office and have a frank conversation with them about training their staff to respect patients needs and follow charted instructions about things like this.
You should talk to a therapist about this if you aren’t already. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the docs not to tell you your weight, but there may be ways for you to deal with this that would make knowing your weight to be less triggering. It’s pretty easy for a nurse or doctor to slip up with this by accident and it would suck to be scared to go get health care forever
It doesn’t help you this time, but I’m in the same boat and have had nurses and doctors repeatedly forget not to let me see the number, so I’ve just stopped letting them weigh me at all. If you’d be more comfortable with that, all you need to do is say “I don’t want to be weighed today” when they ask you to get on the scale. I’ve never gotten any push back over it.
Ugh I’m sorry. I had an ED for 10 years and have been in remission if you can call it that for 6. These things happen and I think each time it does it makes me stronger at resisting. I know that’s a privileged take but that’s been my personal experience.
I wanted to share an anecdote. A year or so ago an MA told me I had lost x amount of weight and said “congratulations.” I was actually close to being underweight at that point (it was an accident; I am in grad school and lost weight around finals). So I made it even more awkward by telling her I used to have an eating disorder so i don’t really view it as a “good job.” It was pretty awkward after that; so much that I wish I had said something gentler!
I don’t have super good advice; just that it’s totally valid to be triggered by something like that. I think you should tell your fiancé about it. The shame of eating disorders is what makes them so hard to treat for some people. Having the courage to talk to close friends and family about it will take some of its power away and make recovery more sustainable in my experience.
Good to remind the nurse each time of this request (not being told the weight, etc), rather than assuming! At least in my experience, Dr’s offices can be a revolving door. And I’ve never had any push back when mentioning “hey just don’t let me know” after stepping on the scale and closing my eyes.
But yes, definitely speak to your fiancé!! If you’re planning on marrying this person, there’s no time like the present to be vulnerable and allow them to help.
You are strong and not just a number.
Ugh I told a nurse I didn’t want to know my weight but she still commented that it was “good” and “healthy” like ma’am pleaseeeee
I tell the staff I don’t want to see or hear about my weight and they don’t. But then when I get a printout of my visit summary after the appointment (medication changes, discussion with doctor, vaccines due, etc), the weight is printed at the top of the page in big bold letters. Just so obvious that ANYONE could see it if they look at the paper for two seconds.
Sigh. Every visit is a hit to my self esteem and anxiety levels.
This isn’t something you need to keep secret. There’s no shame in having these thoughts and feelings, even though that’s the way it makes you feel. Please love yourself enough to trust your fiancé.
You got this! You’ve been doing so well for years, you can keep at it.
Do tell your fiancé, though. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about! You’re a human being, with all the complexities that come with that. This is important to you, and if he loves you, he’ll want to know so he can support you.
you should tell your fiancé. they are supposed to be your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything- even the deep dark embarrassing stuff. something to keep in mind is that part of recovery includes stumbling every now and again, but eventually you get back up and keep going. it’s ok to let someone help you up. it’s ok to let someone help you avoid hazards. your fiancé loves you and wants to help you.
Good on you for recognizing how numeric measurements can trigger your disorder, and good on you for being brave enough to take the steps and tell your medical team to not share that information with you. That takes a lot of self awareness as well as willingness to feel exposed.
If your fiance is worth his salt, there’s no need to feel embarrassed about this, and if he’s the sort of person that would choose to embarrass you over it, he’s not a good fit to legally tie yourself to. From the way you (briefly) describe his actions in the OP, he sounds like he’s concerned for your wellbeing and if so I would wager that he would rather know so he can lend you that support while you make it through this.
It’s unfortunate that you’ll need to keep up the vigilance when it comes to the numbers, but once you make it through these waters, you’ll be able to better protect your peace in the future by making sure every medical staffer knows that you do not want that information shared with you. I have a specific medical phobia and I announce each time what I need to manage it, even when it’s someone who I had an appointment with just a week ago who recognized me from past appointments. The more you get into the habit of vocalizing your needs, the easier it becomes.
I’m the same way, i struggled with anorexia and purging for a while when i was in high school. My health was really affected and mentally it was agonizing and so stressful. I tried to recover during covid, and then redeveloped some poor behaviors in college. I try my best to be healthy and love myself, but i started to gain some normal weight when i moved in with my partner and it was really hard and i was so hard on myself. He noticed the change so i told him and he helped me and assured me and he hid our scale so i couldn’t weigh myself anymore
i will say, within a few weeks of that last incident the intrusive thoughts and the ED voice slowly fell away and the behaviors i’ve engaged for my recovery took over in a really positive way. I feel better and admittedly there are still some non-food related things i do or say that aren’t great but i’m trying my hardest.
All to say, talk to your fiancé. It’s important for him to be there for you and know how to help you. It’ll help you a lot too just getting it off your chest. If you don’t know it, you are so valid to feel this way and it’s NOT your fault and it’s not an indicator that you haven’t done enough work or healed enough or anything . It’ll pass , too.
I’ve refused to get on the scale at the doctor’s for years, for this exact reason. They just cannot keep that information to themselves. I’ve had most of the experiences others have described here, with all the various ways nurses have “accidentally” shared the information I explicitly stated I don’t want to know, so now nobody knows that information.
I had one nurse freak out and insist the doctor wouldn’t be able to see me without weight, but when she went to ask I think she was told to stop being an idiot because she backed right off. Usually it’s not a big deal at all.
The only time I’ve allowed anyone to weigh me was when I rented snowshoes and they really needed to know which size I needed. Ironically, the snowshoe rental guy was fantastic–much better than most alleged medical professionals. I got on the scale backwards and told him I really, really don’t want to know, and explicitly laid out all the ways he might accidentally tell me, and he was super nice and didn’t do any of them and wasn’t a jerk about it at all. Wish my doctor’s office would hire him!
My wife specializes in the treament of ED. I’m not qualified to tell you what to do the way she is, but I can tell you this:
Talk to your fiance about it. You don’t need to keep this a secret. Secrets make you sick.
Seek out a therapist who specializes in this. You may not even need much support given your recent success managing it, but an extra helping hand now and again might be really useful for you.
Dear Friend-
I’ve been where you’re at- struggling with Recovery because a number made its way past your boundaries. What has helped me is to go back to some of the fundamentals that helped me most when I was in active ED Treatment. Journaling, meditation and talking with friends who are supportive of my Recovery are things that I fall back into, when I start to struggle.
I would encourage you to let your partner know about what’s happening inside your head. ED never fully goes away in my experience, but the voice and compulsions do grow weaker with every successive year. Your partner deserves an opportunity to support and love you through such a challenging time for you.
If you have the ability, I would call the practice and inform them of what happened and how they can do better. I seek out trauma informed, weight neutral health providers when possible.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It has happened to me and it really fucking sucks. Sending big hug vibes your way(if you are into that sort of thing)
Get a therapist that specializes in ED so they can help you with this.
Talk with your fiancé ❤️ he’s the person you’re going to spend your life with! He wants to help and be there for you.
If you’re able, I’d also speak to a counselor.
Please tell your fiancé. I also struggled with numbers for so long and would spiral into various forms of rage and anxiety and sadness and then ultimately really destructive behavior. My whole life this had been an issue, and then when my husband and I began living together I had an incident like yours. I was so angry. Livid. I couldn’t hide it when I got home and we talked about it. For some reason, talking it through with him was the most helpful thing I’ve done. His perspective was invaluable.
Honestly you need a therapist
I don’t have advice for you personally, but please tell the clinic. You don’t need to file a complaint if you don’t want to.
Speaking as a nurse, it’s incredibly easy to ask “do you want to know [the number]?” and I’ll always do that (well, unless my patient explicitly asks me for the number). I’ve had multiple patients thank me for that, most of them didn’t even know that was an option.
I recently started to relapse after a decade because of intense grief/mental distress and searching for control in my life, which clicked after a few weeks of the behaviours/thoughts starting up again. I told my husband a few nights ago and he was so supportive and loving and I’m feeling much more equipped to fight against the neural pathways trying to re-engage. As my ED specialist therapist told me years ago, our brains carve these pathways and even as we heal those connections remain. It’s not our fault and it’s not something to be ashamed of that they can be lit up again by a trigger, it’s just how our brains are. Your brain and body deserve love and compassion. I hope you’re able to tell your fiancé and get the support you need. I understand the feeling – I’m disappointed that I can fall back into these patterns after so many years of progress, but healing isn’t linear. I’m trying to be kind to myself and I hope you can be, too. Sending love x
As someone who also is recovering from an ED, you are a beautiful human for putting that warning.
I understand the internal shame. I sobbed and literally screamed no the last time I relapsed.
It sounds like you gave a good, supportive boyfriend. I honestly just recently became comfortable with seeing my numbers again! Having a supportive partner made all the difference for me 🥰 I hope all the best for you ✨
I started refusing to be weighed. They would respect my wishes and not say it aloud, but they would always print some summary with it! They don’t seem to love it but they can deal with it
Write it on a piece of paper and burn it?
I feel this so much. Sorry you are battling this.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
That said just know your weight can fluctuate up to like 5 pounds over one day. Salt, water, and red meat all do that to me. Then 2 days later being on track and I’m heading back down.
I had the same experience and am triggered by the number. When I was pregnant a random, not normal to my care nurse told me my weight and I spiraled for days. Once you get past the feelings (talk to your finance or support system for sure!) just try and check in with how your body feels and refocus on that. I’m sorry that happened. ED recovery really sucks.
You are lucky that you don’t have to carry this alone. Your fiance sounds great and I’m sure sharing it with him will lighten your load. Don’t feel like a failure. We are not built as humans to live the way we do, from sugars in everything making us addicted to food to scams targeting desperate people trying to get healthy, I think more people have ED’s than anyone is aware of. You’re doing a great job, keep taking care of yourself and let people in, they love you and want you to be healthy and happy.
You’re so strong to get where you are. It sucks that something like this broke your coping strategies, but it’s not the end of the world. You got this, girl!
I feel for you. My disordered eating is on my health chart, and like you I tend to ask people not to tell. The second I step on a scale I say it again, but I know eventually someone may still say it aloud due to habit.
Tell your fiancé and speak to any professionals you have available. You’re not alone and you don’t have to be strong, but it seems like acknowledging it is a great first step.
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“I had a specialized therapist back when I was first fighting for recovery, but have not seen one in years. I’ve been using some of the tools she taught me, but I may look into getting in with her again.” Fully support the idea of returning for a tune up on your coping tools. Sounds like you are ready for the next step towards healing.
Ask your doctor to put an alert on your chart that they should not to mention your weight to you due to history of ED.. This should help prevent future issues!
Also, I highly encourage that conversation with your fiance.
Lastly, give yourself the kudos you deserve for recognizing your crisis and taking the right steps to address. That is a difficult thing to do and you did it. Even if that right thing was only posting for support instead of privately and quietly fighting it by yourself.
I work at a doctors office and agree with others here that it’s good to get in the habit of letting them know each time. A lot of EMRs allow you to put a blind weight notification on the chart but often it gets hidden/missed still. Because I work with a lot of teenagers I’ve gotten in the habit of just not saying it out loud unless they ask me what it was, but most offices don’t have that policy.
Tell your fiancée, and I think you also need to go back to speaking to a professional.
Trying to avoid ever learning your own weight is clearly not a good strategy in the long term.
Back when I was morbidly obese, I would go to the doctor and decline to have my weight taken. You don’t have to have it done every time, unless you have concerns about your weight. If your ED is mostly under control, just decline. You can tell them why, or not. I just said, “I’m not doing that”, and they have to accept it.
I’m so sorry. It’s been over 15 years since I’ve engaged in ED behavior and I still can’t know the number. I don’t allow myself to get weighed at the doctor-99% of the time it doesn’t matter. It’s so hard when we attach so much EMOTIONAL weight to certain numbers.
OP, this literally happened to me YESTERDAY at my annual doctors appointment. I have a similar history as you regarding disorder eating and hyperfocus on weight. I closed my eyes while on the scale so as not to see the number. In the room while taking my history, the assistant says “your weight was XXX — looks like you gained some weight from last time you were here”.
Like why would you even say that?!
This wont be super helpful but that is my EXACT ISSUE. I hyperfocus on the number I weigh (or calories I eat/whatever) and need it to be as low as possible. I also tell the doctor I dont want to know my weight!!
I don’t have an ED, but I always tell the nurse that I’m in denial and don’t shout out my weight. So I’m sorry you are going through this. Weight can just really be triggering no matter where you are on your personal journey. Hugs
Therapist here. Another look at a trauma focused therapy process to reduce the effect of triggers might be extra helpful. Of course this is your journey, you’ve done great! This may also be a good time to reduce the reactivity to triggers, which there are many therapies that can really help that now.
I’m so sorry. I had a doctor trigger my ED last year while trying to get paxlovid. He was like “you weight HOW MUCH?” and then lectured me about BMI and i was like umm… I am in recovery for a fucking violent eating disorder can you just give me the fucking script??????? It was bad. Talk to your fiance. If you have a therapist, email them now. Know you aren’t alone. We are in this fight for the long haul, and while the world may not know how to behave, we have the tools to work through these moments! a proud of you.
Obviously, the cat is already out of the bag so not much to be done about knowing the number. I think you should talk with your fiancé about it. Sometimes just getting it out helps me to stop recycling thoughts over and over.
Perhaps you can let the doctor’s office know that it would be helpful to ask all patients before saying their weight? It’s something the nurse has done each time I’ve been to the doctor and I politely tell her “no, thank you”.
Sending you support and love! You will make it through this!
I know you might feel like you’re back in the same place mentally, and I’m meant ways maybe you are, but I see so much strength. You were (unintentionally) tested and your feelings may be the same, but I wonder if your actions and your ability to cope have changed. Here’s what I see:
You were triggered even though you had a fail safe in place, so there’s an extra level of shock. You breathed through it, and sounds like you made it through the appointment. You’re still thinking about it a week later, but I feel like that’s normal. Recurring ED thoughts can be so sticky, you know? Not just the thoughts, but the fears about what the thoughts mean, what that means for your recovery, etc. It’s a lot!!
But in that week, you’ve continued living. You haven’t opened up to your partner yet but you’ve come here to talk about it and work through it with input from others. I’m very much the same, I want to understand the what and how and why before I share with my husband, it’s easier to talk to strangers sometimes.
Instead of letting that appointment make you dive right back into the ED, you’re taking time to think and process. It might feel like nothing, but I think it shows growth in maturity and self control. I think it’s important sometimes to stop and look back to see how far we’ve come. I think if you turn and look back at your journey, you will have come a lot further than you realize. Recognize yourself for that!
I hope you’re able to share with your partner for both your sakes. The battle is easier when it’s the two of you VS the issue. That said, the shame you described really resonates with me. Like “I’m the problem, I’m always the problem, I’m a thousand problems compressed into the general shaped of a human woman”. I’m right there with you. To be clear though, you’re not the problem.
I’m really proud of you, sister. Give your sticky mind some time and it will get quieter. If you’re feeling up to it, the mistake might be worth mentioning to the doctors office. Not necessarily as a complaint, but as a gentle request to make sure employees working with patients are trauma informed or at least have a way to quickly see if a patient has triggers like that, you know? I think it might be really hard to do, but it might help give you a sense of closure on the event. Knowing it might help other patients avoid this could also give you a sense of control or something.
You’re doing so well ❤️
I was so confused why someone in this subreddit was talking about their erectile dysfunction
I just wanna tell you that I relate to you so hard.
A week ago I weighed myself for the first time the line and saw THAT NUMBER on the scale. I have not been the same since.
I’m glad you made this post because it makes me feel less alone. I hope you get through it.
Tell fiancé. EDs are sneaky fuckers because they’re in your head and if you talk about them out loud to people who love you, it takes away some of the ED’s power!!!!!!
Also girl it’s gonna get better. I’ve been in your exact shoes minus the fiance. It’s just a number and it’s triggering af rn but someday you’ll have healed so much that it’ll be just a number and not bother you.
Please join us over on r/fuckeatingdisorders if you need more support.
>He already made what he considered a pretty big change to support me and did it without batting an eyelash.
May this type of love find me. <3
You definitely need to see the therapist again. It sounds like you started to develop coping skills and stopped going before major progress was made. No better time than the present to go back.
I’ve heard that avoidance can worsen anxiety. So avoidance of numbers and discussion with partner may be things to work on in therapy. Exposure therapy does need to be very guided and careful if you ever pursue it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you 😭
I can’t really bring myself to read the whole post due to my own ED past, but I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone (this happened to me too)
And it is possible to forget that number, with enough time
It will be difficult
I know how much that number now encapsulates your mind and your thoughts
It won’t be like that forever, even though it may feel that way
Try as best you can to not think about it
I know it’s really fucking difficult
But I believe in you ❤️
So I don’t weigh myself often but I do keep track of it when I do weigh myself just because my memory is garbage and drastic change without a reasonable explanation could be a warning sign and various cancers run in my family. But the time before last when i weighed myself I had transposed the numbers without realizing it, so that the most recent time i weighed myself I thought I’d somehow gained a significant amount of weight without realizing it, until my husband confirmed that no I must have recorded it wrong, and I realized that my clothes would definitely not fit the same if I’d gained that much weight in that time period.
Your fiancé thinks you’re beautiful, and the only thing the number on the scale actually tells you is what effect the gravitational pull of the earth is on your body. It’s not a measure of your worth or an indicator of your attractiveness or health.