TL;DR: I’m a transgender girl who had a kind of unpleasant childhood and my parents while definitely loving have caused me mental issues that I harbor resentment for. I want to leave and never see them again but I fear that I’m being selfish because I genuinely believe they do love me. Ideally I want them in my life but a part of me also doesn’t and it confuses me so much.
To make a long story short I (19M) grew up in an Asian household with parents who I believe are victims of generational trauma. The entire family has been dysfunctional. My brother early on became a scapegoat for all their issues and shouting was a constant thing in the house. I realised I was trans very early at 14 although I didn’t have the language or certainty to apply that label to myself.
I tried transitioning in secret but without any HRT or control over my own hair I couldn’t do much. This was all happening whilst my brother was being yelled at constantly. Now because of my childhood I have anxiety, an unhealthy relationship with food and traits of BPD.
Recently I had been growing my hair out and although I liked it my parents forced me to cut it because I looked trans and “no one will hire trans people”. It was very distressing and even though I voiced that I was upset I got shut down.
I want to leave them because they’ve caused so many issues but I feel like I’m being selfish in wanting that. While very misguided I believe that they do love me. I’m really unsure what to do because I’ve been bouncing back and forth between seeing them as monsters and victims of generational trauma. There’s a middle ground that I’m yet to find and I want advice on what I can do.
Comments
Love doesn’t cancel harm. They love you, but they don’t see you…and that difference matters. Protecting yourself isn’t selfish, it’s the beginning of self-respect.
You’re right. I’m in that era and it’s full of generational trauma. But that’s no excuse to treat you less than for anything you believe. But knowing this and living this are 2 different things. But you are an adult now. I wonder if u live with them because how could they force you to cut your hair? If you do live with them, for your own mental health, you should try to move out. But maybe consider low contact rather than cut off all contact. As a parent of this era- I know I’ve made mistakes. Life doesn’t come with a play book, and you say they love you, so maybe with low contact and setting your own boundaries while living away from them- things will become manageable? Good luck!