a situation happening in my (27F) boyfriend’s (26M) family at the moment is making me realize that I may need to end things… again.

So a backstory before I get into the current story. My boyfriend and I began dating after being friends and realizing we had feelings for one another in mid-December of 2023. Our relationship became a bit rocky about a year and some change in, some minor issues that later became big ones as I learned more about who he is as a person. While I don’t believe him to be an inherently bad person, I’m very well aware that he has some issues stemming from his childhood that need to be resolved, and we both may have different views as to what a relationship should be like. I’ve posted on the sub before regarding an issue we had, and I did end the relationship about a month and a half later when I realized that his inconsideration for others and lack of empathy was truly an issue, and I felt like it was better for us to be apart so he could work on himself and I could heal from the emotional neglect I suffered from. This was early February of this year, around early May is when we decided to give things another shot. I wasn’t naive enough to believe that 3 months was enough time for him to truly recognize his wrongs and work on himself, but he seemed genuinely sincere and apologetic about his behavior prior; even outside of our relationship. So with lots of conversation about boundaries and expectations, we decided to try again.. and unfortunately not even a month into us dating again, I began to see that the veil was slipping.

Now to current timing. His younger sister, who is 14, has been in the ER since Saturday night following an overdose on Benadryl. For the most part she will recover well, but will need monitoring due to her mental state and lack of memory following the overdose (she has bipolar disorder and anxiety). When we found out about it, we were trying back home from out of state, and I told him he needed to get in contact with his family as soon as we got situated after landing; that didn’t happen. I watched his mom update him with texts and him give no response before ultimately telling her to keep him in the loop.

I could sense that he seemed to not care about his sister’s condition, and that was very offputting to me. I’m very well aware of the strange dynamic that exists between his family due to how dysfunctional they are, and his younger sister has a history of pretty alarming emotional outbursts and behavior that is consistent with her mental illness. From my observation as someone who has been around his family for about 4 years now, there’s some extreme emotional neglect all around; everyone speaks very hostile to one another and every day involves some type of family issue. As for his younger sister alone, it’s very clear to me that a lot of her behavior is not only indicative of her mental state, but also a cry for help as the entire household disregards her on a daily basis— including my boyfriend. I’ve talked with him before about how difficult this is to bear witness to, as well as how it’s affected him and in turn affected those he engages with.

Last night we had a pretty rough conversation about the entire thing. I told him that it was very upsetting and uncomfortable for me to see his lack of concern and empathy for what his sister is going through. He’s told me that he doesn’t view it as “his problem” and just wants to stay out the way, even told me he doesn’t view her as his sister— but instead his mothers child as they have different fathers. As someone who doesn’t have “full” siblings, this was very hurtful to hear him say. He doubled down on his lack of care by saying he feels as though he doesn’t owe her anything because of her behavior, and the fact that she’s disregarded his niceness many, many times before. I’m very understanding of the harm growing up in a dysfunctional family can cause to everyone around, but it felt very harsh to me all things considered. I’m not excusing any of her previous behavior whatsoever, nor am I saying he’s wrong to have complicated feelings over it. I just feel like there should be more concern and compassion toward a child dealing with a mental illness, one with symptoms exacerbated by her family’s lack of attention and concern to her, including him. He also feels like his feelings should validate his behavior and he shouldn’t be judged for them because it’s how he feels, but I feel like what you decide to do with your feelings is… telling? And what’s so bothering to me is he’s very well aware of his + his family’s issues and how it’s affected everyone, very well aware that his behavior isn’t healthy, but doesn’t care about it.

The situation has really brought up a lot for me — not just because of what happened, but because of how it’s highlighted some differences between him and I that I can’t ignore— again. I know his family dynamic is incredibly complicated, and I truly don’t expect him to have it all figured out or respond in any one “right” way.
But the complete lack of empathy, especially toward someone who’s clearly struggling with mental illness is something very hard for me to witness and not have any tough feelings about. Im having a hard time looking at him in a positive light right now, to be entirely honest. Like how do I feel emotionally safe when his response to someone else’s pain is to shut down or disconnect entirely, much less his own family. I’m not saying he has to feel exactly how I feel, but the empathy and basic humanity of it all is extremely important to me.

I feel like I should’ve known better. I went into this knowing things could very easily crash and burn, or that he could actually revert back to old patterns and behaviors that were issues for us prior, and he has. It’s become more and more clear that he has no true interest in changing his behavior/working through his issues, and I feel like I’m not obligated to keep making space for that, but at the same time I would almost feel guilty not giving him the benefit of the doubt or not being more understanding of his pov on things.

Any advice is appreciated, thank you so much.

TL;DR: my boyfriend’s younger sister overdosed, and his detached response really bothered me. It’s made me realize there’s a serious difference in our emotional maturity and empathy, and I’m feeling misaligned and emotionally safe in the relationship, so much so that I’m considering stepping away to protect my peace.