I’m sharing my experience here to embolden others to leave their partners in situations of manipulation, deception, and abuse. Last year, I had read some posts on this subreddit that really resonated with me and gave me hope that things will be okay with time.
My former partner and I had been together for 10 years. Married for 1.5 of those years. I wasn’t ready to throw it all away when I initially discovered the affair and was willing to work through our issues with counseling. But I only caught him cheating and lying again and again. The minivan incident was truly an episode from Jerry Springer. I’m pretty sure the whole parking garage heard me yelling at my now ex and affair partner. I honestly can’t remember fully what I said because I was just seeing red. I will say it was a lot of F-bombs.
After the van incident, I kicked him out of our house. But he “tried” to show me he wanted to stay together, however, his words did not match his actions. He only tried harder to mask his extramarital activities. We shared GPS phone locations with each other, but he was leaving his phone at a friend’s house to then see his mistress. He would cite a mental illness episode if I didn’t hear from him when in reality he was with the affair partner. He bought lube off a sex goods website and shipped it to the other women’s house. When I confronted him about the lube, he only doubled down and said “it was a gift for me.” I was already working up the courage to tell him he can expect divorce papers, but that was truly the twist of the knife in my back. This was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his schemes. Too much for this reddit post. I eventually reached out to the other women and met her. It was hard to hear the full truth but I needed to hear it. My ex was never going to willingly own up to his lies, gaslighting, and manipulation. I gave him numerous opportunities to just be open and honest. He couldn’t even give me that.
Our divorce was finalized in November 2024 and I maintained ownership of the house and dog. No kids in the picture, luckily. I’m fortunate enough to have a good career and remain financially independent. I wish my gold digging ex GOOD LUCK. I’m glad this happened when it did verses years down the road. Say we had kids and a beautiful home to split, but then I would’ve had to pay HIM a large sum of alimony. No thank you.
But anyway, here are my words of advice for those struggling or needing encouragement.
You never know how you’ll react when you’re put in a situation like this. And that’s okay. Take things at your own pace and when you feel ready. Of course, one would think I would have immediately told him to kick rocks, but it was difficult for me. I was trying so hard to grasp onto the version of him I loved but that person wasn’t there anymore. Our relationship would never be the same. I knew the writing was in the wall.
It’s okay to grieve. Grieve the future you thought you were going to have. Grieve the loss of time spent with the undeserving individual. This grief will come in waves. Sometimes when you least expect.
The emotional journey will be a rollercoaster and cyclical. First, you’ll feel denial and anger. Bargaining and depression then settles in. Eventually, you’ll reach acceptance. Just realize this healing journey takes time.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. It’s helped me work through my grief and insecurities. The progress didn’t materialized overnight, but with consistency and open mindedness, I’ve come a long ways from where I was one year ago.
Listen to your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Communicate your feeling as hard as that can be. A true partner will listen and be considerate.
If your partner truly wanted to change, they would. You shouldn’t have to force or convince them to do so.
You are worthy. Worthy of a healthy relationship. Worthy of a partner who is honest and gives you the love you deserve.
You are enough. You may not believe it some days. I still have tough moments, but know you are capable of growing, healing, and flourishing.
Lean on your supporters. Friends, family, and coworkers. I feel fortunate to have such people in my life.
You are on your own timeline. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Hard not to do with social media, but instead of the mother I thought I was going to be at this point of my life, I’ll be a jet setting spinster for now. I’m more than okay with that.
And lastly, I truly believe things happen for a reason. The universe has other plans for me. Grand plans! And I will find my way. You will too. ❤️
Some other Reddit posts and their comments which I thought were insightful and worth reading.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/A6olLUU0Wv
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad that you’re in a healthier place and doing better.
Is your ex still with the 22 year old? Has he even acknowledged how much he messed up especially after going through the divorce?