I’ll try to keep this short but would super appreciate anyone that can give me insight on their thoughts with this.
My biological father was absent my entire life and I didn’t have contact with him until the age of 19. I’m currently 25, about to be 26. I searched for him for about 8 years prior to that.
Once 19, we got in contact for the first time. We met for the first time in person in 2022.
Very long story short, he definitely deals with some mental health issues of his own and throughout the years I’ve known him it hasn’t been uncommon for me to play the parent role within our relationship.
He has been innapropriate with me an abundance of times from the time we first spoke. Making comments about my chest, saying he’d sleep with me if I wasn’t his daughter, hitting on me or my friends (he constantly dates younger), etc.
I’ve been very transparent that it makes me uncomfortable and I wish he would see me as his child rather than whatever the hell he does.
The first time we met it was fine, but there were a few times I felt uncomfortable due to comments he was making (i.e. getting upset or jealous of older men speaking to me at the brewery, claiming they’re “disrespecting him” because they “probably think we’re on a date”). We got into an argument the next day because he was angry I had to go home (it was 11pm and I had to wake up for my flight at 3am). He was angry he cancelled his booty call due to thinking we had more time together. I mentioned that he made me uncomfortable when we hung out and it very much angered him. He cut contact for a year.
Fast forward 2023, we started speaking again and he finally gave me the name to my half sister (I’d been begging for years but he hasn’t ever been in her life so he refused). Her and I started talking, immediately bonded, and planned a trip for me to visit. They happen to live within an hour or so of each other so we all planned to meet up one of the nights.
The night before he continued saying innapropriate things to me, about sleeping with me, how he feels like he’ll be hanging out with his kid and “her friend” (my sister the kid, me the friend- referencing a date). This devastated me as I had known him for 5 years, begging him to be a father to me, and he could view my sister more fatherly after knowing her for a month (she deserves a dad 100%, I was only bitter with how he views me in comparison). I cried to him begging him to see me as his child and he didn’t understand why I was upset, saying he can’t control the way he feels towards me. The next day we all met up- to summarize, it didn’t go well. He definitely treated things as if he was on a date with me, with my sister third wheeling.
He has made multiple comments that “it’s more common than I think for dads to be attracted to their daughters”, and mentions that he met me when I was older so he struggles with it because he didn’t see me as a child.
There’s obviously mounds more, but this is the gist of things.
I’ve cut contact with him since all of this. He’s tried to reach out a few times. I don’t have a normal home life- my mom and I have thankfully mended our relationship a bit now; but for most of my life I was neglected emotionally. My step dad didn’t want anything to do with me but thankfully he’s being kinder now. I’ve never had a normal, loving home outside of my grandma.
I was a victim of pedophilia most of my youth so to be honest I’m very desensitized to most of this and I’m very used to being around sick men. Like just being honest; in comparison to a lot of the things I’ve seen, this is nothing.
I struggle because it’s my dad, and all I’ve ever wanted was a dad. I’m proud of myself for cutting it off but it’s very difficult because I still care for him. I care too deeply about everyone.
Part of my brain thinks it’s disgusting and he has major issues. Most people agree but struggle to understand why it’s hard for me to never speak to him again because they have a stable family unit. I have had people say they can see why it would be different for him, as he didn’t know me till I was an adult.
Am I naive for thinking a man could just want to be my father and not want me sexually? Even if they didn’t raise me? The amount of good men I’ve experienced in my life is close to none.
Should I cut him some slack on him viewing me in a more romantic way due to him not knowing me till I was 19? The thing that bothers me most is him pushing his thoughts onto me rather than keeping them to himself.
Let me clarify I know this isn’t a normal situation, I’m not delusional. Most people have never and will never experience this. But I’m always open to opinions, because I really try to keep this shit private.
Thank you if you read all of this❤️
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Hell no. Cut off all contact. He is a creep.
Sad for all your hurts. Your father has mental issues. Will not get better. Again, sad. Get some counseling on dealing with this. You can make it clear again that you need a father, nothing else. Doubt that will change anything, but maybe. Good luck
I understand where you’re coming from, I have a pretty similar experience with my bio father. To answer your question, no you’re not naive for wanting a dad that wasn’t interested in you sexually.
I think when you grow up without a father figure it’s a natural thing to crave a father figure, especially if you see others have the father/daughter relationship you want. I think it’s natural to blame yourself for his faults, but you’re not the reason he isn’t a good man. Regardless of what age you were when you met him. I was 14 when I met my dad, and he used the same excuses. GSA is bullshit and was made up by a lady who didn’t want to admit that she was a creep/pervert for being attracted to her own son. They are sick in the head, and probably consume too much porn.
You didn’t grow up with him yet somehow you aren’t attracted to him, so his argument is baseless anyways. He wants to express these thoughts to you because it’s his lazy attempt to normalize this fetish with you. He is selfish and only concerned with his own needs, and that has nothing to do with you. He may have helped you come into this world but he does not need to be in your life. Being in your life is a privilege not a right.
Good men are far and few between but they do exist and I hope you find one or some. It may take time, I would suggest working on building up your belief in self, and unfolding into who you are in the meantime. I wish I had more advice but honestly it just takes time to heal this wound. I went to therapy for a few years, if that’s something you can do I would highly suggest it. I would say find a therapist that you can connect with, and don’t be afraid to go to a different therapist if you don’t feel heard. If you can’t do therapy I would recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, along with nature therapy.
I have no problem understanding why you don’t want to talk to him, don’t want him in your life.
He’s just a sperm donor. He holds no other position in your life. You gave him a chance to step into a father like figure and he failed. Miserably.
Just know that you tried. You don’t need to try any more. Anyone who says otherwise is working from a different set of criteria than you but yours is logical and reasonable. They’re just ignorant of your experiences.
You’re not naive to want him to be a father and it’s understandable that it would be hard to go NC. But he clearly will never see you with the unconditional love and respect and non-sexualized attachment that you desperately want from him. He’s weak and disgusting. In his mind, all he knows is that he met a hot 19-year-old and that sounds like all he’ll ever see within you.
I hope you keep working through your trauma and can eventually recognize and truly accept that this person will never be the kind of father you deserve and that you don’t need to give him attention or time.