Long time lurker here! Never thought I would be on the question side, but here I am.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and I am the happiest, healthiest, and hottest I have ever been with him. He showers me with compliments and never fails to call me beautiful.
Right now, we are in a quasi-long distance relationship (he flies out rurally to work every other week), so you can only imagine I want to jump his bones every time he comes home.
There’s no way to put this politely: I’ve got a really high sex drive. In my picture perfect world, coitus would be at least once every day. And recently coming off hormonal birth control, it has only gotten higher. To me, my boyfriend is the most attractive man in the world, to the point where if I am masturbating, it is to memories of our previous sexual escapades and if I am watching porn, it is of couples that look like us (he is Asian and I am black).
He, on the other hand, has a much lower sex drive (as in, initiating sex) but he is horny literally all the time. He had mentioned numerous times in the past having a problem with “beating his meat” and I know he consumes a lot of porn. Just to preface what’s to come, him watching porn doesn’t really bother me since I would be a hypocrite to condemn it. It is the quantities that do. But despite his pornography habits, he is the love of my life- the kindest, most supportive person I’ve ever known. He had listened to me in the past requesting for more intimacy and he said he would work on masturbating less and even got me a vibrator to make sure that my needs are met if he wasn’t able to fulfil them.
When he initiates sex, 9.9 times out of 10, I am also in the mood and everyone is happy. However, when
I try initiating sex, my want for intimacy is quite often not reciprocated, which has led to my confidence taking a big hit (I’ve told him this before and he usually attributes it to tiredness and his need to rest from the previous swing, which I understand but I won’t lie and say it makes me feel great).
Today, while we were on FaceTime, he was sharing his screen and had to open his internet browser. Immediately, I see it’s porn. Whatever, happens to the best of us. However, as mentioned earlier, I am a black woman. The lady was as pale and blonde as one could be. I am also quite muscular with curves but have a pound or two of body fat to lose. My boyfriend had mentioned in the past that his type was thicker women (like myself) so imagine my shock when the lady on the screen was quite thin and petite.
I don’t know if I am reading too much into it, but the lady was the complete opposite of me. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to see that, especially in the context of him turning down sex with me countless times in the past. To be fair, he apologised for me having to see that and showered me in compliments not too soon later (although this sounded a little guilty). He calls me beautiful, gorgeous, etc. daily ever since we started dating, but finding out that he finds pleasure in women who look nothing like me? Kind of wrecked me a little bit.
But I want to know y’all’s takes. How would you guys react to this?
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Sometimes you want a paella after a bowl of the fettuccine ya know? Just a variety is the spice of life kinda deal I wouldn’t read into it.
I wouldn’t care honestly, it really sounds like he loves you.
Personally I think it’s normal to find women who look different to be attractive, usually when watching porn guys will go more for what sounds like an interesting plot to feel more immersed rather than what the lady looks like.
Of course though it depends on what you are comfortable with, as with everything it’s probably best to express how you are feeling to him rather than keeping it inside.
I mean, I don’t date men who watch porn because I don’t think most of them are able to regulate their use in a healthy way. I also think that sexual energy should be directed towards your partner, not pixels on a screen.
However, in this case, it’s not so much the porn that’s bothering you – you’re unsatisfied with your sex life. And finding out that your partner is diverting his sexual energy from you/your relationship while you’re left unsatisfied is a major blow.
You need to do some soul searching on what your want in a relationship when it comes to sex. Is he meeting your needs? Does he have interest in upping his game if he isn’t meeting your needs/will he compromise to make you happier?
Then you need to initiate a conversation about your needs and expectations and see how you can come to a mutually satisfying arrangement. And if you can’t, then be prepared to walk away – or find alternative arrangements that would allow you to meet your needs if he won’t (like an open arrangement or something).
But right now he’s diverting his attention from you and your relationship and spending that energy on pixels rather than his real life gf.
You’re definitely reading to much into it. Imagine how much porn is out there, all the races and all the hair colour combinations. You probably would’ve felt the same way if she was Asian, or Brown. It was a chance you saw what you saw. If he treats you well, just be happy for now.
I get that…If i saw my wife watching BBC porn on her computer I would think that was her preference but it could just be a fetish thing. Like He may have been looking for a woman giving a foot job to an Asian guy and couldn’t find one of a black woman and an Asian guy…Just my guess. I know personally I often get very specific and search for a while for exactly what I’m curious to see.
Porn ruins relationships. This will only get worse.
Do better because you deserve better.
Not every action has a reason sometimes it just happens without carrying emotions or thoughts with it.
Thought you were a long time lurker? This is asked every day nearly…. And while it may be hard to fathom, he is not looking up “the opposite of you” because that’s what gets him off, it’s just what he happened to look up as a novelty I’d imagine.. are you sure you wouldn’t be even more upset if what you saw was a girl that looked nearly identical to you? But was not you? Think about it.
It is cringe for him to be so reckless as to have his browser porn on blast during a screen share though ..:
But ya , girl , you’re just overthinking.
Sounds he cares deeply for you, and is truly attracted to you.
First of all – I’m sorry that happened, and I totally see why you feel the way you feel. I’d feel bad as well. That being said, I don’t think you discovered his preference by seeing his screen briefly. People are more varied than that. If you weren’t his type, he wouldn’t be with you. It could be a completely random video, or maybe he searches by genre/activity and he doesn’t care about the actors/actresses much.
I used to date a porn addict, and he’d choose his hand over sex a lot of the time. It’s tough. Tell him about your feelings. Instead of fighting you he said he’d try working on himself – so keep communicating. You’ll be okay.
Wishing you the best x
This doesn’t sound like it’s JUST about the porn. It sounds like you are a little put off by your differences in drive and you found out something that makes you feel bad about yourself. IMO, this is grounds for a sit down conversation and some reflection as a couple regarding porn and its place in your relationship. It shouldn’t be a replacement for intimacy ever, and when one person is wanting, it is asking for trouble to choose porn over intimacy. It sounds a little like that might be happening to you.
It’s okay to feel hurt by this and I think it’s fair to bring it up in an honest conversation. Porn is something that, frankly, a lot of people watch, but trying to force yourself to look the other way when you’re hurt by it is a disservice to you and your relationship. Just because you watch it and you think it’s normal doesn’t mean it can’t ever cause a single problem in your relationship.
It looks and sounds like he has a lower libido, and he is diverting some of his drive to porn that doesn’t look like you. That’s not cool and it makes complete sense to be hurt, because you’re already experiencing a mismatch in drive and now you know what he is looking at when he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Variety is the spice of life and porn is no different. Also sometimes PURELY visual preferences in porn on a screen don’t align with what you find attractive in person. Plus personality plays a huge part as well.
He sounds like he’s treating you well, and making you feel desired and desirable. That’s what important
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Those are usually the women who do porn.
i personally get super jealous over what my bf watches. however, just because he watches it doesn’t always mean he’s into the small details like skin color or hair color or poses or backgrounds or etc. if he said he likes you are your body, he most definetly does!! i think you are overthinking and tbh i also overthink. just try to reassure yourself that he’s with you and not someone else.
I can find people of different races and body types attractive. Doesnt mean I’m not attracted to my partner.
If your only concern is about the video he had open you’re overthinking it.
On any porn site or even just a general porn search you’re going to find a huge variety of videos and any one could have a still frame of something that might look interesting enough to click on.
Maybe he was searching for porn by the sexual position, and the video he chose had a woman of the race and build you described. He wasn’t necessarily going for that type of woman, but for any type of woman doing whichever position or sex act he was wanting to get off to.
That’s one possibility.
If it eats at you too much, it might be healthy to bring it up to him and share those fears or anxieties you have. It sounds like you have a healthy relationship in all ways, and bringing this up should only give clarity and peace for your end ❤️
It’s not that deep. My husbands porn preference is the total opposite of me- and mine him. It’s just something to watch.
I would be worried about his frequency though. I can see why this has made you worry. Put it with his lack of desire so to speak and lower libido- it’s not hard to take it personally. Some guys get so used to porn and the death grip and it ruins sex for both partners. So just make sure he’s not over consuming and thus damaging y’all’s relationship, if that makes sense.
There’s a huge group of women who read gay porn but aren’t gay men. It’s just a thing I guess?
21 and You use the word coitus..
I’ve never had sex with a woman, my husband satisfies me in ways I never even knew was possible and I’m happy with our sex life. Wanna know my go to videos? Lesbians. Every time.
He probably doesn’t feel the need to watch videos of girls that look similar to you because he’s living that reality, and well I watch porn that would satisfy a fantasy, not something that I can already get. I’m not searching for guys that look like my husband because I get to satisfy that need with him whenever!
It’s also not realistic to think that we as humans don’t find all types of people attractive. I don’t have a type and I give credit when it’s due, man or women. That’s not to say you’re not wrong for feeling some type of way, but sometimes our feelings lie to us and there’s no actually any ill intent behind it