I’ve been friends with Lily (34f) for about 12 years. She is visiting town. She visits once every 3 years. We do not live close to one another and do not speak often anymore. She’s great. Brilliant, hard working, gorgeous, married, house, career, etc. I’ve (33f) struggled quite a lot since we graduated, got in a career which I worked in the last 5 years but stepped away a few months ago. It was the hardest decision I made yet. The field was intense and the depression I was/have been experiencing is pretty potent. It was getting to the point in the end, of requiring hospitalisation. I never told my friends because I felt embarrassed and a burden.
I’ve always been told I’m resilient, done so many difficult things but I feel like complete garbage. I don’t have a home of my own, I don’t have a partner, I don’t have my career anymore, I don’t make stupid amounts of money, I’d love to go back and do a masters but I also don’t want to take a gamble with a large amount of debt. I’m starting my life over from scratch back in our old city and… I’m really feeling sad.
I’m talking to professionals, trying to figure out next steps (am employed) but I feel really.. behind. I have good days but then I have days where I just cry on and off.
Lily wants to meet at the end of the month. She has a tight schedule but initiated. I love her, she has been a very good friend. If I’m also going to be honest, I’ve always compared myself to her and felt inadequate. Whenever I felt that way, I reminded myself how lucky I am to have a friend like her and that it just means I need to work harder. She would never, ever mean to put me down or intentionally be pretentious.
Since I crashed out, I feel having that bounce back attitude/reframing technique isn’t going to be easy to whip out. I’m really afraid seeing her, hearing how great everything is going and how well she is doing, will make me spiral. I’ve just reached a point mentally, of somewhat stability.
I could open up but its her vacation and the last thing she needs is to deal with my problems. What do I do?
TL;DR : Accomplished long term friend is coming to town and my life is falling apart. I tend to compare myself, have a solid positive reframing technique but I’m really low and worried it will drag me further down. Do I cancel, tell her or just go?
Comments
It can be really difficult to see other people on much different, better paths than the one lived.
But people are put into different situations with all sorts of advantages and disadvantages alike.
We can pretend that in our world, all it takes is the right attitude and effort to succeed, but that’s not the reality we face.
I would try to set aside your own insecurities or self doubts and just enjoy the time you have together. Don’t compare yourself to her, though it may be difficult.
A bad job can suck the life out of someone, and it takes time to heal from that. Focus of your own recovery the best you can.
If she’s really your friend you should open up to her, but it’s totally reasonable to bail
She has been your friend for over a decade. This woman clearly loves you for who you are, and not for the goals you feel you haven’t reached. See your friend. Better still, communicate with her about how you feel and where you are emotionally. We dont all achieve things out of life at the same pace.
If shes a good friend she’ll understand it and she’ll want to see you regardless of where you’re at. I would still meet up with her and be honest that you’re feeling shit. If I was you I wouldnt say anything about feeling behind in comparison to her but say you feel behind. You won’t be the only person she knows who’s changed plans. All of my friends are at completely different stages of life and I would never judge them/ not want to see them because of it. She’s iniated seeing you because she wants to. Just go have fun and have a night out and forget about stress.
I go through periods of unemployment with my work and it makes me feel like absolute SHITE and had put off seeing friends because I was skint / felt so crap. Not one friend gave a toot that I was unemployed, they just cared about how I felt. You’re in that horrible rut just now where everything feels awful but seeing her could make you feel a lot better. A laugh with your friend will make you feel so much better 🩷
Social withdrawal/avoidance is a common instinct for those with depression, but it is an instinct worth fighting. I would suggest not cancelling. Not because canceling is selfish, but because it is doing a disservice to yourself.
I made a rule for myself a long time ago, that if I receive an invitation to a social engagement, I will “just say yes” unless I’m physically ill or there is a scheduling conflict. I tell myself I leave early if I’m not having a good time but in the last 10 years that’s only happened once. I’ve never regretted pushing through the depression and spending time with people.
I would also suggest being honest with your friend about your feelings. If she is worth a damn, she will be understanding and it might help in alleviating some of the insecurity.
I know it’s hard to stop comparing yourself to someone who is “successfully” but it is deeply unfair it is to compare yourself to others with wildly different life circumstances. Use your own life and goals as metrics for success, and give yourself grace while you are in a transition period.
Obviously, there is a lot of separate work for you, in order to try and resolve your issues regarding feeling inferior, and comparing yourself to you friend.
But otherwise, if she’s as kind and loving a friend as you say she is, perhaps you could go and be real with her, not dump on her, but be honest – “how are you”; “things aren’t great, I’m a little wobbly on a lot of things, but I’m glad I’m here with you right now”. And at a later time, even if it has to be over the phone, video, text, you guys can have a more open conversation.
At least personally, I believe true friends rely on each other, and they share their joy and sorrows with one another – they should be able to cheer you on and give you a shoulder to cry on, or just be present in the moment with you when you need them.
When I need to share something upsetting from my life, I often ask my best friend “hey, can I share something right now”, because he has his own life and all that, if he says “not right now”, then I’ll wait for a better time, and we’re close enough that we can kind of arrange it; if your friend loves you and supports you, I think it should be ok to share some of your worries and negative thoughts (without comparing yourself to her), she may provide you some much needed kindness, she may even have real advice to give, or reassurance, or even a new point of view.
Look, man, I get it, I’ve been down BAD, I worried myself sick, I was getting physically ill for worrying about the future, I had a lot going on, and talking to my sister even a little about it, was such a fucking load off, like actually talking about it was all I needed, and was too anxious and depressed to realize it. May not work for you, but something to consider – sometimes what we need in life, is to say the quiet things out loud.