I (25F) just got out of a long term relationship 3 months ago. I have learnt so much about myself including the toxic dynamic I had with my ex (30M).
I have discovered that I am attracted to dominant men who are kind of controlling over me. I have spiralled quite a bit since my break up and struggled a lot in many ways.
I have had many lows and traumatic experiences. I have been using sex and weed to distract myself and it has been unhealthy.
Recently, I started seeing a man 25M (about 1.5months ago) and I had to end the situationship on yesterday because on Friday night he started becoming threatening and possessive of me.
I feel ashamed because, despite the way he made me feel threatened and terrified, I still crave him and miss him. He made me feel seen and I crave that connection againm the man is literally in a gang, he has lost contact with his child due to being violent against the mother, he is jobless, gambling and drug addiction, doesn’t have a licence, is wanted by police and has a long criminal history.
For some reason, I refuse to focus on the negative/dangerous traits and can only think about the things I like about him and miss about him. I feel like I have brainwashed myself.
He seriously is terrible for me but I’m just addicted to the dynamic and don’t understand why I feel so attached and connected to him.
He was there for me in my darkest time and truely appreciates me in a way I cannot put into words. I feel so embarrassed that I am willing to compromise my safety for this man.
My question is, how can I heal from this in a healthy way?
I’m an extremely impulsive and passionate person. I see the good in everyone and unfortuanly avoid seeing the bad. I don’t think this dynamic is like the saviour complex, I feel like I am just craving some kind of attention and I am kind of ashamed and hate the fact that I fell for this man.
TL; DR – stuck in an addictive cycle
Comments
Therapy. You need therapy.
As a therapist, please believe me when I say this is a prefect reason to go to therapy. Find yourself a trauma therapist and work on healing.
therapy my dude, none of us on reddit can know what causes you to seek out this dynamic, only you can work that out with the help of a LICENSED therapist.
If what is drawing you to this man is the fact he was there for you when you needed him, you need to find a healthy way to bridge that gap, in a way that will stop you going back to him. Who else do you know who could be there for you in a healthy way? friends? family? somebody at work? maybe there is a helpline you can call for emotional support if you feel yourself slipping?