As things with my MIL have come to light and the relationships have gotten worse and worse, naturally things have turned very low contact between all of us.
My husband is doing his best to support me and there’s no expectation that I’ll spend time with her or communicate with her. He also supports me in not allowing her to meet our baby when he’s born.
I know this is hard for him, and I can’t imagine coming to even the slightest realization that the person who raised you is actually the reason for the toxicity in your life. While he repeatedly tells me he understands, supports, and is on my side…he still expresses that he wants things to get better someday, he wants me to have a relationship with them, and that it’s upsetting to him that his son won’t have a relationship with his grandmother.
I’m not sure if there are ways to get him to see that all of those things that aren’t going to happen are a direct result of her – that she has made it this way, and it’s not his responsibility to fix it or feel like our reactions are wrong because they’re going to hurt her. Especially when it comes to our son – I just keep trying to emphasize that we want to do things differently, we want him to grow up around healthy minded people, we don’t want him exposed to all of this. I know he agrees, but it’s been hard for him to wrap his mind around letting go of the fairytale.
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Would he consider going to Therapy to talk through how reality is different from this fairytale? He is essentially mourning the death of a relationship that he hoped would happen.
Help him reframe it. He wants things to get better. He wants his mother to be sane enough that you can have a relationship. He’s disappointed that she’s destroyed any chance of a relationship with your son. He’s putting the disappointment on you instead of his mother, when she’s the cause of the problems.
I’m on the same step as you, plus with the added stress of rejection from his brother because of her doing. It’s insane when you perceive the campaigning this woman has done over time. The only thing I can tell you that I’m gonna try to do is express deeply how important it is for you that he’s stepping up for you and you will be his comfort whenever he needs it
Maybe consider writing a time line of all the things she has done to you to hurt/make you uncomfortable. Then sit down with him and go over it and ask him if your mother acted/treated him this way would he expect that 1) you would have a relationship with her(which would be a slap in the face to your hubby) 2) that you would want your child to have a relationship with someone who treated their mom like that. See if that helps him understand where you are coming from