My BFF (30F) and I (30F) have been friends for life. She dated this guy for 4 years off and on—a classic toxic relationship dynamic. I was always the shoulder she cried on when he hurt her.
After about the 100th time she told me that she was finally going to break up with him (she was just waiting for the right moment), they got engaged a week after.
Because of how he treated her in the past, I’ve never really liked him…. but after they got engaged, I realized “something” about him made her happy, it’s her life, yada yada. So, since then (they’ve been married 3 years now) I’ve tried my best to get to know him, included him, show kindness to him, etc. Bc I love her and want to be part of her life, even if I don’t understand her choice in a mate.
Despite this he’s only ever been rude and disrespectful to me. Even in my own home.
There have been countless instances that have offended me, but the one that happened recently feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I had invited them to my house, and we were having a conversation about his job. I was complimenting his talent in his position, asking about his future in his career, etc. Idk just making conversation, nothing deep.
He turned the whole conversation around on me, began insulting my career, ridiculing it as frivolous and irrelevant in the age of AI, saying he couldn’t believe people actually spent money on education to pursue my field.
He went on and on. Until I silently got up and left the conversation. My BFF later came and apologized on his behalf, but all she said was “sorry about my husband.” Idk. I said “no worries,” and that was that. I didn’t say anything more about it, because she’s extremely sensitive to any criticism about him (I tried once before they got married and it went badly).
It just feels like there’s not enough acknowledgment or accountability for his rude behavior.
Later that day, he continued insulting/criticizing other aspects of my life. That was the last time I’ve seen him.
I think up until now I’ve held out hope that I was just misunderstanding him, that one day, he’d reveal himself to be this kind, loving figure, and I’d understand why she chose him. But no…
Not only is he rude to her, but he’s rude to the people she loves. No one in our friend group likes him, so she doesn’t have any friends now that aren’t part of his group or family.
I find myself relating less to her everyday. I struggle to respect her and trust her judgement.
Because how can she love a man like this?! I’ve stopped confiding in her about anything deep anymore because we live such fundamentally different lives now.
Are me and my friend doomed? Should I give up? Has anyone else ever dealt with this before?
TLDR; BFF married her toxic BF 3 years ago. Tried to give him a chance but he is consistently disrespectful and rude. Any advice welcome.
Comments
Send her the free pdf of why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, tell her you’re worried about her, and that you’re happy to have her in your life as much as you can, but cannot abide having this man in your presence.
Will she hang out with you without him? If so, I would keep her at arms length since he’s trying to isolate her. Grab coffee with her once a month or however often you can. But don’t tell her anything person that she could tell him or that either of them would use against you.
I would stop being around him though. There is nothing redeeming about him and I don’t think you should keep subjecting yourself to be a verbal punching bag.
Focus on your friendship with her and forget about him. Just because she is with him doesn’t mean you have to love him or get a long with him or even spend time with him. Your relationship with your friend is its own individual relationship. Invite her to hang out with you – you two alone or with friends, and make it clear he is not invited on those outings. I think this will be good for the both of you. You don’t have to be around this jerk, and she doesn’t have to monitor her husbands behavior or apologize for anything. If your friendship is a healthy one, you should be able to tell her that you want to spend time with her and it don’t involve him, and she should be able to accept that.
I’ve dated guys that my friends didnt like before – and I never made them feel like they had to accept him / include him all the time while I was with my friends.
Okay. This is your best friend, so the advice I’m giving is different to the advice I’d give you if she was a peripheral friend. Your best friend – your ride or die – needs you to ride like you’ve never ridden before.
Your best friend is in a long term abusive relationship. As all victims do, she has lost her barometer of normality. It happens insidiously and now she’s caught. She can’t see what everyone else sees. What this man is doing is gradually and deliberately isolating her from her family and friends and for the most part it’s working. You’re one of the last friends standing. It is vital that you remain in her life.
It is very, very difficult but try not to isolate her further by refusing to see her husband. If you refuse to see him he will force her to end your friendship. Let her know that you know he’s controlling and abusive and she needs to get out, but also let her know that when she’s ready to leave you’ll be there with open arms to help her. Talk to her family; I can guarantee that they’re as worried as you are and they’ll be so grateful to know that you’re there for her. She needs you so much more than you know. Keep the communication channels open and stay in touch with her family. That’s the best chance you all have of getting her out.