My partner is a mother of two sons, the youngest (boy) being 7y/o. This boy sometimes has severe meltdowns or tantrums. I guess on average once a month. This happens in public spaces as well at home. This week my partner called me in tears, the boy raged after he was denied a second ice cream, saying he didn’t like the first enough. It happened after a holiday sport day, specifically for kids.
He screamed and yelled at her, saying she’s a b****, curses in all the worst manners and that he would rather see her dead. He also kicks and hits her uncontrollably, when she wants to separate him from the public. It is humiliating for her. It hurts me badly hearing that. This rage continued in the car, after the fight to get him in, driving home. At home, the cursing and screaming continued. He broke some stuff in his bedroom, and threw around many things. She broke down, ran outside, started crying and was calling me on the phone. The neighbours came outside after they heard the fury and humiliating insinuations. One of them got into the house and after a while managed to calm the boy down. The rage had continued for about two hours.
My partner and I live an hour apart, I have known her for 2years now. I was at my home with my children, when the story above happened. But this has happened many times. Also when I was around, I was getting the same flood of anger.
Later we had a talk about parenting. It is a very difficult conversation. As we grow more and more together (but still see each other at max once a week, for two or three days), I feel like I can’t let this happen. But my partner doesn’t want me to be involved too much with the parenting of her children.
She feels like it is unbalanced. My children are adolescents, beyond the need of this kind of parenting.
I love my partner, I also love the boys, but I feel horrible when this happens and I am on the sideline. To the point where both I and my partner doubt a dreamt future being together in the same house.
Do you have tips or ideas to handle these situations?
How can you handle this as a partner, but not being the boy’s father? Any help or advice is welcomed.
TL;DR: tantrums of her son hurt and humiliate my partner. How to help as a partner, and being involved in parenting.
Comments
Encourage her to find a play therapist for her son and parenting support from a professional. Brenna Hicks play therapy parenting podcast is a good place to start.
You can’t deal with this yourself, and neither can she. Her son needs therapy and maybe medication. That’s not a tantrum, it’s something much bigger than that, and if it’s happening that often, there’s a reason. The best thing you can do is to help her realize that this isn’t her fault and she absolutely needs – and her son deserves – professional help to get this behaviour and his feelings under control.
You can’t deal with this yourself, and neither can she. Her son needs therapy and maybe medication. That’s not a tantrum, it’s something much bigger than that, and if it’s happening that often, there’s a reason. The best thing you can do is to help her realize that this isn’t her fault and she absolutely needs – and her son deserves – professional help to get this behaviour and his feelings under control.
This sounds like more than just being a typical 7 year old. Has she taken him to see any specialists and get a diagnosis? That would be the advice I would give her. Encourage her to help both him and herself this way.