Like the title says. Recently I’ve been having this gut feeling about my(32M) wife(31F). She has this friend (29F), whom I’ve known about since we’ve been together so it’s nothing like someone popping out of nowhere. They hangout at a minimum, 2 times a week, and I get along with her too so i just thought it was nbd, I am a pretty go with the flow type person and do lot like confrontation. My family would say that it’s my downfall that I won’t standup for myself. I feel like this is important to maybe get more of the dynamic of the relationships here. Anyways, like I said, I started having this gut feeling about them a couple of months ago, that maybe their relationship is more than what they present to the world, just some of the interactions and way that they act together when they’re together in our home. Also, when she is here, they almost always end up leaving together and leave me with our 3 small children.
Cut to today: I had a golf tournament, and as a result my parents had 2 of our children and she , my wife, was left to take care of our youngest (10mo). I was able to get home around midday, like planned, to find her and this friend and our house sitting together in one lazy boy (single chair, essentially my wife was in her lap). I didn’t say anything and I took our son and started mowing our grass with him in my lap. About halfway through, we ran out of gas, so I headed back to the house and attempted to walk in the back door, which was locked(weird,wasn’t earlier) and I would be willing to bet my check that I saw them jerk away from each other when they heard me jiggling the door knob. From there, my alarms went off and I told her to come outside where I proceeded to ask her about their relationship, asked if it was something more, etc, I made it a point to let her know that I wouldn’t be mad, I just wanted the truth. We’ve been together long enough to where we should just be honest with one another. What do you think happened?
She blew the fuck up is what happened. She ended up saying I was crazy/drunk and then proceeded to tell me that people have been asking her about me, Like I’ve been cheating on her? Which Reddit, there’s no point in lying, I haven’t. I just want to know what y’all think and if someone has been in this position before please help me. I don’t want to think she’s cheating, but I can’t stop that feeling.
Sorry that this was so long.
TLDR: curious about the extent of the relationship between my wife and her friend
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I haven’t been in your position, but no way is this “normal” behavior between two friends. If nothing else, I just wanted to validate your feelings. I do agree with your family. If you don’t respect yourself then how in the world do you expect anybody else to respect you?
I think normally guilty people try to twist things back on their accusers. “I’m not cheating but man everyone thinks you are!” is probably a sign.
Sounds really dodgy. At worst I think she is cheating. She tried to turn it back on you, so you go into defence mode. My advice set up a couple of cameras in secret. One in the bedroom and one in your living room. You need to be firm and stand up for yourself. Her cuddling her “friend” is not okay. Would it be okay if it was a guy “friend” no should be the answer. So it’s not okay if she’s female.
Like I said if you want evidence set up cameras in secret. Maybe check her phone too.
You should have played dumb for a while longer and tried to observe more. It does sound like there is something going on, but it’s your suspicion and you’re the source. So it’s hard to be objective.
I will say cheaters accuse their partners of cheating. So maybe that’s where that comes from. I don’t know but if she won’t tell you, you could hire a detective.
Today you found your wife and her BFF sitting together in an easy chair, then you think (you’re pretty sure) you saw them jerk in reaction to hearing you trying to open the door.
And on that evidence, plus whatever feeling you’ve been having, you asked your wife if she and her BFF were “something more” than friends? And mentioned that you’d be fine if they were, you just want the truth… did you intend for that to imply that you’d be fine as long as you got to watch? Or is that just where my mind went?
>She blew the fuck up is what happened.
Yelling? Name-calling?
> She ended up saying I was crazy/drunk
Were you drunk?
> and then proceeded to tell me that people have been asking her about me, Like I’ve been cheating on her? Which Reddit, there’s no point in lying, I haven’t.
Could be projection, I guess. DARVO.
Does your wife yell at you a lot?
Projecting, it is what cheaters do. Simply say, if you want her you can have her and we will get a divorce, or you cut her off and publicly apologize through your socials, on a public post stating you are cheating on me with your friend, tagging her, I am not to blame. Which is it? Then go get an attorney and live the rest of your life without her.
Forget the wife! You cut the lawn with a baby in your lap??? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
She’s cheating and using DARVO on you. She’s trying to flip the dialogue. You need to collect evidence. Back off and if you can check her phone.
Put a few hidden cameras and/ or voice activated devices in your home and in her vehicle.
Updateme
You know? I get where you’re coming from. It’s tough. Your gut can tell us things before our brains catch up. Her reaction though… it’s like she’s trying to hide something, ya feel me?
Sorry you’re dealing with this first of all OP, because you seem like a great dad and husband. But the devious side of me wants you to cause some chaos and tell her that yes you have been cheating on her and that’s it’s been with the same friend you suspect she is with. Throw her mind into full overload and then who knows…maybe you get a 2 for 1 outcome?
Her promptly blowing up and then trying to turn this into what other people “may” think is a BIG red flag. What was preventing her from having a discussion…hmmmm.. Strange, indeed. So it does not sound as if her relationship is a simple as she says.
The best defense is a good offense.
Apologize, play dumb, and get evidence.
Okay here is what I kno from my life experiences. Some women besties are overly affectionate and cuddly with each other and there are other rare instances where they once slept with or madeout with their “bestie” for “funsies”. Now the way your wife blew up on you screams red flags for several reasons. 1. She went 0-100 and if that’s not normal then her fight or flight kicked in. 2. She turned it back on you and said you were cheating(deflection) 3. She verbally attacked you.
My 0-100 advice, apologize and say you were irrational and got in your head and add a spy cam or 3 to several places. 1. Living room/TV room. 2 bed room and 3 if there is one the guest bedroom or kitchen( a lot of convos and actions happen there)
My 0-100 advice option 2 would be to talk to the friend 1v1 and trick her into honestly by saying my wife told me you’ve guys kissed before but only once or twice drunkly or whatever you decide to make up. Then ask is if it’s true or is there more going on. You start with a lie to see if you can fish out the truth. The lie and how far fetched you go is up to you. You’d get better results if you ask nonchalantly/jokingly. Get her off guard.
My rational advice is have a sit down convo with your wife without her friend around of course and ask her about her friendship and why you thought something and shit maybe even set boundaries if you need to.
All in all my friend I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
Yeah, you kinda screwed the pooch there, OP. Should have played dumb for one more week, while collecting camera footage. Then, let it play out exactly as it did, let her blow up, then turn on the tv.
Now they are spooked, and will be extra cautious, which means, smaller cameras and clever placement.
Threesome time. Own them both. Move the friend in. Live the dream.
What she’s doing is called DARVO. Deny Attack Reverse Victim & Offender. Gaslighting with extra onions, basically.
Buddy. You already know what’s going on. Trust your gut.
If you want more proof? P.I. or install some hidden cameras (depending on what’s allowed by local laws). Run a full check on your financials. Any weird transactions to credit cards or taken out of joint accounts? Lock down what isn’t already locked down. Minimize account sharing. Protect yourself.
Best case scenario? She’s bi and it’s “simple” cheating.
Worst case? You find out you’ve been the Beard since day one and an excuse for her to fulfill a wish of being a mother, while she’s been in the closet all this time. Hell, for an even worse case scenario? Get your kids DNA tested. Are you the father to all three of them?
🚩 you already know what’s going on , have a little fun with it ask for a threesome see where that goes or start divorce proceedings make sure you get custody of the children and child support
Your wife is cheating with her friend. Grow some stones, dude. Anyway, she probably thinks it’s none of your business, and justifies it as “not cheating cause she’s not with a man”.
So here’s the sad news: She’s already setting the stage to make you the bad guy. You need to start taking steps to protect yourself. Put money away, etc.
She has all the power in a divorce. She can call the police, have you thrown out of your house, and you can do nothing about it. And if you even seem to resist, it will just play into the narrative she’s already started making.
Now, I’m not saying you need to divorce her – only you can make that decision (I would). But you are in a very precarious situation. Remember: In divorce court, the man is disposable. Your only worth is as a provider. That means, You’ll be tossed out, but still have to pay for the house and utilitites. And child support (nothing wrong with that). And maintenance (used to be called alimony). You’ll end up with almost nothing unless your mega rich, eating tuna packets and uncooked ramen in an apartment that a crackwhore wouldn’t live in. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to take your kids to the park every other weekend.
To clear things up. I am not interested in watching them, just finding out the truth to attempt to co -parent as peacefully as possible.
Does she yell at me a lot? Yeah, she’s Latino, that’s what they do lol.
Am I drunk? Let’s put it this way. I had a couple of drinks, but wasn’t too drunk for her to leave me with our youngest while she had an event she was scheduled to work.
I don’t wanna be the guy that airs out his stuff online or shows his ass. I just wanna know the truth.
Hope this helps.
the best defence is a good attack, damn, she did a number on you
This sounds like she’s cheating or (less likely) she was talking to her friend about something she did not want you to hear (divorce?)
Her volatile reaction and counter-accusation reek of guilt. If my spouse came to me and accused me of having something going on with my best friend, I would burst out laughing, not go ballistic. I’d then ask them why they think that, and where they were coming from.
People who react like her and then counterblame are usually hiding something. Sorry.
Projecting her feelings onto you and throwing them back at you is a defense mechanism for someone guilty. You will stop asking them about the situation and become defensive and then wonder what happened.
Super weird. Your gut is telling you this isn’t right.
If she didn’t blow up on you like that, I’d say that maybe it’s just a weird friendship or something. As a few others have said, guilty people project, which is what she did.
Easy answer set up a camera in the room and you won’t have to wonder anymore
Twisting the cheating back onto you is not a good sign.
If you feel uneasy about it and she isn’t budging when you’re genuinely asking questions, go through her phone. Nothing will reveal more than what she’s got there. Go to their texts and see if there is something else.
You are being gaslit OP. When someone reacts that defensively there is definitely something going on
I don’t sit on my BFFs lap. They are having an affair
If she were innocent I think you asking her “should” have ended up in her laughing about your even asking. Then her telling her friend what you said I n front of your and them both laughing and making a joke about how they are lesbos. That’s they way I think it should have played out in my head atleast. Then you feel a little ridiculous for even thinking it was true and you go about your day. However the blowing up on you instantly and then flipping it back on you is a telltale sign of someone who has a guilty conscience.
This is a poorly constructed bait piece.
What mom with three kids, one being 10 months, is able to “hang” alone w her friend multiple times a week? The f? I may get down voted but if a man was w his buddies multiple times a week sans kids, reddit would tear his ass up.
To your knowledge, is she bisexual or has she discussed it in the past? This is not normal girlfriend behavior between 2 heterosexual adults. I’m as straight as they come and while my husband originally thought it was odd that I would kiss my closest girlfriend/best friend a quick peck on the lips as a hello or goodbye what you’re describing sounds more like a sexual encounter between the 2, especially the locked door and blow up when asked.
>She blew the fuck up is what happened. She ended up saying I was crazy/drunk and then proceeded to tell me that people have been asking her about me,
This is gaslighting and a distraction to get you away from blaming her and accusing her for her inappropriate behavior. She’s using a technique called DARVO an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, is a manipulation tactic used by perpetrators of abuse to deflect blame and responsibility. She’s absolutely doing something with this friend!
You said you would not be mad so there would be no reason for her to blow up at you and irrationally accusing you of being drunk!
For once, stand-up for yourself and walk out. I have a bad feeling this isn’t the only thing that is a red flag in your relationship!
I watched a female “friendship” like this break up a couple that had been married for almost 20 years.
Whatever is happening you have a problem with your wife. The locking if the door is highly suspicious. The blowing up at you is suspicious but could be just because she sees it as a false accusation. The claiming people are saying you are cheating is also highly suspicious. The are all classic red flags. But I will also say that she disrespected you at the very least with all of these actions.
If she wants to talk about it then I think you should concentrate on who has been telling her you are cheating. Get her to name the people. Better yet get her her to phone them in front of you. I will bet that she won’t because they don’t exist.
Then offer her your phone to look through. She shouldn’t find anything incriminating in it. Then ask for hers. If she won’t give it to you then you have your answer. If she does then check it carefully. Look for chat apps. Look at the chats between her and her friend to see if they make sense in case she has deleted the evidence.
If she doesn’t ask you to talk about it then you need to consider evidence gathering. If legal put in a couple of spy cameras.
If you do find evidence she is cheating then it’s time to make a decision. But consider if you can live with it. Or do you want her to go nc with her friend. Or do you want a divorce?
Then I’d sit her down to give one last chance to come clean. If she doesn’t then I’m afraid your marriage isn’t what you think it is. You’re less important to her than her friend.
The sharing a chair? Fine. But her behavior is a dead giveaway and even more so her accusing you of cheating.
I find it extremely strange that so many people have commented that it’s alarming that your wife at 32 sees her friend two times a week to hang out. I’ve hung out with my closest friends multiple times per week from the time my children were born to present day – over 20 years. Not strange in the least. When I read stuff like that not only is it baffling but it also makes me sad because it’s clear that so many people lack close friendships to the point they don’t even understand what that looks like.
Female friends are physically affectionate with one another. This isnt weird. You are weird.
Trust your gut. Trust what you see and hear. Install cameras, collect the evidence, and retain a divorce attorney.
My dear, cheaters always accuse the other person of cheating. She’s definitely messing around with her “friend.”
Updateme
Sounds like she’s projecting. I wouldn’t be surprised if this has been going on longer than you think.
I think it’s time you started learning to stand up for yourself. You don’t deserve this, and neither do your kids.
Has she ever been abusive to you before? If she has, the problems might go deeper than just this weird friend she has.
Look, I’ve had very close girlfriends that I’ve been friends with for over 30 years. We’ve slept in beds together, etc. but NEVER, EVER, have we been snuggling or anything of the sort, without a bunch of other girlfriends around and alcohol was definitely involved in the shenanigans.
People don’t have the jerk reactions, if they aren’t doing anything wrong.
I have three girl friends I’m pretty affectionate with (says a lot about how close we are, I’m not touchy in general, but these women are my safe spaces). Hugging, a cuddle, holding hands would not be weird for us. That said, the only way we would end up on each other’s laps, would be briefly as a joke, or if there’s a lack of seating. Also, our affection wouldn’t require hiding or jerking away from each other as it’s innocent and friendly.
I’d trust your gut. Her blow up seems to also hide a guilty conscience.
Accuse someone of murder and they blow up – they likely didn’t do it. Question someone about cheating and they blow up – guilty AF