Hey everyone – looking for some advice for an issue very personal and emotional for me.
I met my BF (24M) in college, and we have been dating for the last 3 years. He has become my best friend and he has supported me through good times and bad, always shown up for me, and he genuinely makes me the happiest person when we are together. He is the most important person to me in my life.
Ever since I met him, I have been aware that his mother acts extremely abnormally to him. She is physically abusive to him, calls/texts him incessantly, will fly across the country to show up unannounced, obsess over his location/what he is doing, complain about her marital problems to him, among a litany of other extremely awful narcissistic/manipulative/emotionally abusive things. My parents do not do anything like this and love him very much.
He had told his parents about me ~2 years into dating. We are of the same religion/race, but our families speak different languages within the region. After telling his mother about me & my background, she proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and tell him that he is stupid for choosing someone who doesn’t speak the same language about them and insist that he must be with someone who speaks the same language as them.
He has told her multiple times over the course of months that he wants to be with me, but his mother has not changed her opinion and will flip out when he brings it up with her. At this point, I have also not met his parents due to his mother’s behavior. We are now at an impasse where it seems like the only option is for him to go NC with his mom, but he says that going NC is impossible given that he says (and I also believe) she will do anything to keep tabs on him including showing up at his door unannounced, getting information about his location from relatives/friends, etc.
We have both agreed to go to therapy, and we have agreed that I could try to meet his parents over the phone, but I’m not really sure what to do. He is financially independent and does not live near/with his parents so I know that going NC and cutting her off is technically possible but I also understand that he has endured a lot of abuse and it would be emotionally difficult to remove her from his life.
I am looking for advice for what to do… I know the default answer is to break-up and move on, but if there are other ideas that could allow me to stay with my best friend, I would appreciate those too. In any case, I just need someone to give it to me straight.
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Therapy is your only salvation.
First, I would not agree to meet his mother over the phone or in person until he’s making progress in therapy. He needs to unpack his trauma and find healthy coping mechanisms.
I think the only reason he wants to settle for a phone call is because he wants her approval but why do you need her approval? You don’t. Loving you and choosing to build a life with you should be enough for him.
If he can’t get over needing his mom’s approval, then yeah breaking up should be on the table. I really hope therapy helps him realize he doesn’t need that. If she shows up on at his door, he doesn’t have to open it.
I think you need to empower yourself to have your own boundaries with him regarding his family. First one being, not meeting them until he’s been working through his issues in therapy. He can work on his relationship with her but she’s given you no reason to want to meet her or hear about her. And if the relationship continues, what that means for weddings, holidays and any future kids.
We are now at an impasse where it seems like the only option is for him to go NC with his mom, but he says that going NC is impossible given that he says (and I also believe) she will do anything to keep tabs on him including showing up at his door unannounced, getting information about his location from relatives/friends, etc.
So his mother is currently harassing him, but he can’t go NC with her because…. she will continue to find ways to harass him??
Come on. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, she will find ways to try to force her way into his life. But that does not mean he has to hold the door open for her.
He needs to cut her off, and deal with the fallout from that, as opposed to dealing with (and making YOU deal with) daily abuse from a toxic person.
The reality is that it is a scary step. And he is too scared to take it. He needs to get to therapy and take the leap. Do NOT tie your life to someone who will forever be locked into the frozen fear response ingrained in him since childhood.