My bf has a younger sister who, I’ll be honest, I’m not very fond of. I think you may understand why after reading the entire post.
She is still in college. She kept telling her parents and my bf its because she does sports and had to push back her exams, which sounded pretty sus to me but her family accepted the story and I didn’t want to cross any boundaries. Her parents fund her degree and they have been taking her word at face value and paying her tuition all this time.
Recently, she had approached her parents and my bf and started bawling. Turns out, she has actually been failing her first year for 7 years straight and hasn’t paid her tuition for three years and her college is now threatening to throw her out after years of multiple warnings. When my bf asked where all the money went, she said she used it to travel. She goes to Bali twice a year, lives a very luxurious and expensive lifestyle (she’s an aspiring influencer) and lied to her family saying it was from her own money. Turns out, she didn’t have a job or any money and just blew her tuition fee on expensive things.
She has then asked her parents to give her an allowance (because she’s broke and “couldn’t keep living like this”) and for them to pay off all her college arrears. She had then threatened to hurt herself if they didn’t do this.
My bf’s parents did sort most of it out but they’re by no means wealthy people so my bf had to pitch in as well, which emptied nearly 75% of his savings.
Now, I understand that family comes first and I am in no way entitled to my bf’s money. But the thing is, this isn’t a one off thing. His sister always expects him to pitch in fix her fuck ups. She totaled her car driving drunk twice, and she demanded that he fix it for her both times. And he just…did it. She makes him by her designer stuff he cant afford…and again….he just does it. She is a very entitled and self centered person and my bf and his family enables her behavior.
I have brushed this off for 3 years now. I always believed it was not my place to comment on their relationship. Their family and I need to know my place. And honestly, my bf is the sweetest, kindest and most loving guy I’ve met. I value him and cherish him a lot. But the fact that this keeps happening regularly is worrying me. I feel like he doesn’t know how to draw boundaries with her and one day, if we get married, he will bankrupt the two of us and our family trying to help her. I initially thought this may be an overreaction but the more and more I see this happening, the more I believe that it is completely possible. I have tried bringing this up with him but he is very protective of his sister and the conversations haven’t really gone anywhere.
What advice do you have for me?
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It would have been terrible enough if she was manipulating her parents by using the money to live in a local apartment. That’s bad enough, but at least she wouldn’t be using the money to live like a Kardashian.
I think there’s a chance that your bf is playing off how much this bothers you because he doesn’t want to think it’s a deal breaker. You need to tell him one more time in a way that you are very very VERY blunt about what HIS actions will result in if things continue. Those things will include the relationship ending.
IF he gets defensive or wants to argue about it again…………….rather then him have an eye-opening moment with SINCERE EFFORTS that show change, not just words……….then leave.
Being married means that your spouse should be the number #1 priority, minus kids, and that’s who you honor…….. NOT doing so for your parents or sibling over your spouse.
As always the problem is not just the sister it’s how your boyfriend responds to the sister.
Would be be the perfect guy if his sister wasn’t like this? Maybe, or maybe this situation shows you something about who he is, and it’s a good thing you’ve found it out now.
Would a different guy be able to be perfect even with a sister like this? Again maybe, or maybe the situation is simply too much for anyone.
Either way, you’re totally right to say that the combination of the situation and the response to it shows that you are not going to be happy in this relationship.
As always the problem is not just the sister it’s how your boyfriend responds to the sister.
Would be be the perfect guy if his sister wasn’t like this? Maybe, or maybe this situation shows you something about who he is, and it’s a good thing you’ve found it out now.
Would a different guy be able to be perfect even with a sister like this? Again maybe, or maybe the situation is simply too much for anyone.
Either way, you’re totally right to say that the combination of the situation and the response to it shows that you are not going to be happy in this relationship.
Your BF is a push over. Don’t marry him or you’ll be expected to work hard for Team Sister.
Run far and fast.
UpdateMe
Your bf didnt HAVE to do anything…he really didnt…he chose to enable his sisters behaviour..probably taught to him by his parents. If he refuses to see this as a problem then theres nothing you can do and yes you need to walk away because his sister will always be his first priority over you and any future kuds that you might have. Saving for a house??…sorry sis needs a new car…..hospital bills for a sick child??…sorry sis needs to take a trip…
If he isn’t willing to discuss this issue without becoming defensive, leave. Don’t allow the sunk cost fallacy to keep you in this.
Updateme
Yeah dump him! He’s not going to change he’s been conditioned all his life to enabling her. This is your future with him. You’re always going to come second to her. You will not be his priority. Love isn’t everything.
Op, I am sorry to say you are correct. This will be a lifelong issue. I have been married 25 years, and my spouse still runs in to help his siblings. Right now, he has been away for 3 weeks doing work for his sibling and hasn’t even been paid yet as promised. We have had so many discussions. He keeps saying he’s not going to rescue them anymore (to the detriment of his finances and his physical & mental health). And this is a person I did not see have any signs of codependency when we married.
You see the writing on the wall. It is great that he is a sweet person, but he needs a backbone, too.
Updateme
Sit down and tell him that as things are now, you can’t afford him.
Say it out loud: YOU CANNOT AFFORD THIS MAN.
Where are your designer bags? Where is your trip to Bali? That’s right: you don’t have them and haven’t been because you don’t gave the money. Yet, if you combine finances with this man, you’ll be expected to fund this grifter. And you’ll continue to not have nice things, have no savings… But she will.
Break up now. And mean it: no contact for a year. (And don’t wait for him.) Because it’s going to take the shock of something this big to break him of this.
But don’t break up FOR him or AT him. Break up for you. Because unless you want a lifetime of going without, of YOUR CHILDREN going without while his sister swans by with the latest bag on her way to her new car, all purchased by her brother, you can’t be with this man.
YOU CANNOT AFFORD THIS MAN.
It’s time to tell boyfriend that this is it. If he gives any more money to his sister, to save her from the consequences of her own choices, you will be gone. You can’t live with a man who allows himself to be used to the point he will never have anything. When his parents retire all of the financial burden of the sister will be dumped on him unless he has already stopped it. He will never own a home because his sister will always need his savings. He will have no retirement because his sister will need all of his money.
Tell him you won’t be homeless with him and you won’t give up your retirement for him. If he is going to be an independent man he has to learn to say no.
You could volunteer to visit a financial advisor with him who could explain what saving for retirement will do for him and what giving all of his money away will do for him.
I’d also tell him that if he even sneaks $10 to his sister you are done. If you discover he has snuck money to his sister you are done. Then break up if he gives her more.
He may have to learn that there are consequences for his own choices. It is a choice to wipe out his savings to save his sister from her choices. He needs to choose better. Even if he has to go no contact with his parents, he has to choose better.
What does your bf say when you express your fears and concerns that yall aren’t compatible?
I hate to play the Reddit card of “leave him” but I don’t see how he would all of a sudden cut her off. I’d be worried about your own finances (you and him) if he keeps in contact with her. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
My advice – have a serious conversations about your life together. Are you both in the same page for marriage (long term) and babies ? Or even just living together. Then start the future scenarios:
Have a several common scenarios, like alive one don’t looses a job, or you need to pay for x for you kids. Then ask him what he would do if his sister needs money.
You’ll know quickly enough whether you and any future children would be a priority for him.