Advice for me as a partner to a man with addiction
Hi peeps,
My(28f) bf (30m) of 4 years has been struggling with his mental health more since turning 30 a few months ago. Usually he smokes weeds multiple times everyday. He’s been trying to be clean for new job opportunities. He started subbing alcohol in and within a week it got out of hand. He got blackout drunk Sunday, walked into our bedroom and peed against the wall as I was sleeping and I woke up because of the sound. I asked what the fuck he was doing and he was saying there was people in front of him. Which made no sense as the situation progresses I realize how gone he his mentally. I trt to wake him up to clean up the pee for 10mins and he’s knocked out . I start touching his feet and he walks up mad . I tell him he’s disgusting do re pissing on the floor and needs to clean it up because we just got a new mattress and bed frame and the pee is in front of my closet that I will need to get to for work. He is angerly wiping the floor saying he doesn’t remember peeing and giving me sasss and being rude the whole time. I say maybe you should sleep on the sofa because of the way you’re speaking to me..He responds with “maybe you should get the fuck out of my house” I look at him and say “oh really you’re going to talk to me like that when we are supposed to give getting engaged soon?” He replies with ” fucking leave me then you’re so annoying ” and falls onto the bed. I go to the living room and cry for awhile and then just go to my dads and head into work super early. I wrote a letter saying how his addictions affect me and it’s not fair because emi get the worst parts of him and his friends aren’t aware how he gets. I come home and ask if he remembers what happened, and he says no he doesn’t remember anything past drinking and I explain what he did while he looks deeply concerned and sorry. He apologized and I told him I need him to take action and got to AA or therapy because this is not the life I want to have . He downloaded some sobriety Apps, and he went to the doctor and got on Prozac for help with his mental health and he’s been sober since.
I feel both numb and hollow. I don’t know what to do. I feel so depressed and hopeless randomly, and he’s grumpy because being sober and I’m trying to give him grace but I just feel alone in this the past few weeks.
I dont know what is a normal level to have to push about this. He’s in the process of getting that new job and he’s unsure if he’ll pass a drug test. It kinda feels like he doesn’t want to really talk much with me lately and I’m sad. So any advise will be helpful. I am talking to friends, therapist , and focusing on working out to keep me busy.
TLDR: IM SAD MY BF TURNED OUT OT BE AN ALCOHOLIC, WHAT DO
Comments
Sorry you are going through this.
I believe you did well identifying this as addiction, whether it is alcohol or weed. He will need to continue to go to meetings, maybe get psychotherapy, and handle his addiction. You said he has been sober, which really means not even having cravings (otherwise it is “clean”, not necessarily sober). If he has been clean and sober for a few weeks, that is terrific.
The question I have is this: are you still welcoming this relationship? Do you want to give yourself more space somewhat separate from him but there as an occasional support, or are you in it fully to be there as he works on himself? He will have quite a few moods and challenges along the way for many months ahead, and I wonder whether you want to go there with him because in every other way you feel terrific together.
What do you think?
You refer him to a detox and treatment center, wish him well, and you leave him. Because odds are he never fixes this. He’s not an alcoholic, he has mental health issues that need treatment for life.
I don’t normally look at this sub, let alone post here, but I was reading it randomly due to some personal relationship issues, and I can relate to this post from your fiancé’s perspective.
He’s used to constant dopamine hits from drugs and now because his brain has been so used to that, now he has no drugs his receptors are all out of whack.
If you can find it in yourself to be patient then my advice would be to give it a few months without pushing him. Consider getting out for walks/hikes in nature, doing some sport together, eating healthy, etc. Just try to get him healthy in every way without nagging or telling him that’s what you’re doing.
He’s still him, it’s just that the chemicals in his brain are scrambled. He should get back to being the man you love in a little time, and if not then you’ll have a decision to make I guess, but I’d at least give him a few months and some gentle encouragement to do things that are healthy for his mind and body, and for your relationship.
so like… one thing that’s helped me a lot when I feel all messed up in my head is this weird little thing I do called “room of selves.”
basically, I just sit in silence for a bit. no phone. just me. and then I imagine there’s like this house in my mind with a bunch of rooms. each room has a different “me” in it. like one room has the sad me. another one’s got the super angry me. sometimes it’s the tired one or the me that just wants to give up. whatever I’m feeling at the time.
sometimes I draw the rooms on paper and label them. doesn’t have to be perfect, just scribbles.
then I pick one room to go into in my imagination. I walk in and just look around at what that version of me is doing. sometimes they’re just curled up. sometimes yelling. sometimes staring at a wall doing nothing. I don’t talk to them or try to fix them. I just watch, like I’m some kind of outsider or alien or something. just being there.
some rooms are scary. like, I wanna leave right away. but if I can just stay and sit and not run out, things kinda… soften a little. I feel less afraid. sometimes I go back to the same room a few days in a row and eventually it doesn’t feel as bad.
it’s not magic or anything but it really helps. This little mind trick helps me befriend myself when I’m falling apart.
Anyway I just recorded an audio guide exactly the way I do it, in case it helps anyone – called “Room of Selves” on YT Take care….. :))