When I first started dating my husband 7 years ago, his family made it very clear I wasn’t what they wanted for him. I was the first serious relationship to come along, and instead of support or curiosity, I was met with judgment, side-eyes, and cold shoulders. I’ve spent years trying to prove myself — to be respectful, carry myself well, and stay out of drama — and yet somehow, I’m still just tolerated at best.
Meanwhile, my husband’s twin has been with their girlfriend for about a year now, and she’s treated like royalty. No exaggeration.
We recently went to dinner for my husband’s mother’s birthday — a big family thing. Everyone came, including the twin’s girlfriend and her mother. As we all walked in, my father-in-law walked right past his own mother (yes, the woman who birth him) and me, and went straight to the twin’s girlfriend. Greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, then did the same to her mother(girlfriends mother), and sat down like nothing was off about that.
No hello for his mother. No acknowledgement of me. But all the love and attention for the shiny new girlfriend and her plus one.
But the main incident happened during dinner. The restaurant was taking a large head count, so food was coming out staggered. My husband didn’t have his plate yet, and out of personal respect — my belief — I don’t eat until he has his food. I politely declined to start eating multiple times, saying, “I’m okay, I’ll wait.”
Apparently that was too much for them to handle.
The girlfriend’s mom, who barely knows me, says loudly, “Well, I guess she likes cold food.”
Then the girlfriend — bold as ever — tells her boyfriend, in front of everyone, “Make her eat.”
Yes. Make me eat.
I shot her a death stare that said everything I needed it to — because if I had said something? I would’ve been called “aggressive,” “doing too much,” or “starting drama.” I could feel it. That’s always how it goes. She gets to make slick, controlling comments and they all laugh like she’s hilarious. I stand my ground respectfully, and I’m the problem.
It’s been like this from the beginning.
When my husband and I had been dating for two years, we decided to move in together. His family said it was too fast, too immature, too reckless. To this day, they’ve never visited our apartment — and we live 10 minutes away. But they regularly drive 45 minutes to spend time at the twin’s girlfriend’s house. They brag about how “perfect” they are together. They hype her up endlessly. Meanwhile, I’m still the invisible one — the one who has to earn her seat over and over, no matter how long I’ve been around or how much I’ve shown up.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m exhausted from the double standards, the subtle digs, and the effort it takes just to be neutralized in this family dynamic.
But also — I need advice:
How do you keep your peace when your in-laws clearly favor someone else?
Do you keep showing up for the sake of your spouse, or start pulling back and emotionally detaching for your own mental health?
Because at this point, I feel like I’m performing for people who made their minds up about me before they even knew me.
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The way to keep your peace is by preventing others getting in the way. So don’t have anything to do with those who make life difficult. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like they’ll miss you.
Talk to your husband. Tell him you won’t be going to his family events. If he doesn’t like it, ask him why you should go when it’s clear they don’t want you there.
If he does have a problem with it then you have a husband issue as well as an in-law issue.
From experience… stop trying to please them. Stop being not who you really are. Don’t turn up to what you don’t want to. Treat as you are treated. They probably still won’t give you want but you will feel better, and may get some respect from them at least. It worked for me.
As for the shiny new g/f. Shiny needs to be continually polished , and thats hard work after a while.
If it helps at all, you probably got the reaction you did because of timing. They weren’t used to dealing with so’s, younger and then it wasn’t a first girlfriend only thing so they never adjusted their feelings towards you to got to treat the next girlfriend he brought home better. In contrast, it sounds like the twin has been single for years, they’re probably relieved he found someone and now that they aren’t dealing with the concept as something brand new, they aren’t seeing her as an intrusion. Does that still suck? Absolutely. But at least know that it’s all their internal nonsense and not you. It helps sometimes when I feel hurt that I’m the odd one out to remember who everyone else is – are they people whose judgment is generally good? Are they drawn to people who I admire? In your case, them liking her is not the compliment one might otherwise think it is.
If it’s driving you nuts, see if you can reduce time with the family. Save the annoyance for events where you really have to go to support your husband like an actual wedding rather than random dinners.
Drop the rope, babe. They’ve clearly got a favourite and it isn’t your husband.
Let them play their stupid games. You’re there doing your thing. They’ll no doubt change their tune if you have kids. Then you get to match their energy.
Dude, that’s some messed-up favoritism. You’re being held to a different standard, and it’s exhausting. Here’s the thing: you don’t owe them an explanation or a performance. If showing up is draining you, it’s time to prioritize your own mental health. Start setting boundaries or take a step back. Your peace is worth more than their approval. What’s best for you and your partner?
The whole family dynamic, including New GF sounds toxic and miserable.
How does your Husband react when these incidents happen? Does he stand up for you?
They don’t treat you well. Stop trying and stop showing up. Don’t expect them to he capable of being anything but what they are. Time ti spend holidays and events with people who actually like you.
Personally, I would just drop the rope. Stop trying. You will never be enough for them, and personally I would be ok with that, because why would I want these toxic idiot people to like me. Who cares? Of course it would be nice if they were loving parents/in laws, and everyone respects and loves each other, but that is not the case. Protect your mental health and drop the rope. You deserve better!!
This is a blessing actually . They sound really toxic , protect your peace don’t go to family gatherings etc … the new girlfriend sounds just as crazy as them … how did your husband react when she said that ?
Drop the rope quit trying with them
They don’t appreciate a damn thing you do so why exhaust yourself?
You need to protect your peace and learn how to not give a fuck what they think
I wouldn’t show up to a single-family event if I was consistently treated that way.
What does your hubby say?
Why perform? This is a blessing. Since you’ll always be the black sheep, you’re free of any expectations or requirements. Be yourself. Stop seeking their validation. Let them act however and maintain your boundaries. Enjoy your peace and space.
Husband of the OP here.
Hi all, thanks for reaching out. I would like to share my thoughts and feelings too.
If I’m honest, seeing my parents treat my brother’s GF like perfection is disheartening, as that’s all I’ve ever wanted for my wife. Through the 7 years we’ve been together, it’s been struggle after struggle with both of our families to the point we had to stop coming around and communicating altogether at one point about 2 years ago with just my family. I feel that we are just now getting to the right feel of the relationship between us and my parents and that they are just now treating her better, but at what cost? I nearly lost that relationship with them due to the mistreatment of my wife. Feeling like I’m losing out with my own family sucks, but I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to talk about what my wife has experienced.
To say the least, she has endured far more than any wife should ever have to from her so-called loving in-laws. Watching the new GF get treated right from the start really angers me, because we were at that stage 7 years ago and all we got from it was that we were irresponsible, moving too quickly, and and weren’t thinking right. My thing is that if I bring this up, it could potentially lead to the loss of the relationship once again. We have worked hard and fought for so long to get to where we are, and now this?
Not to mention so much bullshit drama from my aunt and grandmother on my mother’s side, we had to stop communicating and seeing them to this day. I tried to bridge the gap between us even in the wake of being treated the exact same way I escaped from earlier on in my teenage years.
I love my family, but I love my wife much more. I just don’t know how to feel and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This family dynamic is toxic. You both should pull away. Stop going there and subjecting your wife to your family’s bs. Why are you clinging to family who don’t treat you right? It sounds like they won’t even miss you or care. It sucks but you could be using that energy to build your own life.
OP dropped in the comments that she is a different race than her husband and his family, so now we know what the real deal is here.
Step back and tell your partner to get a back bone and stand up for you!
Drop the rope and stop seeing them. You will never be enough for them so just stop trying. In no other circumstance would you continue to seek out people who behave this way. Don’t do it here either.
To DH “I’ve been trying for 7 years and nothing, not even basic respect. She shows up and they fawn all over her. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m done chasing the ever elusive relationship with them. I did this for you and now I’m done. It’s too much. I respect myself too much to keep putting myself in this situation. I’m not less than anyone, I’m perfectly lovely and worthy just the way I am.”
I’m so sorry your in-laws are racist assholes, who show favoritism. And the twin’s gf & mom should have been told to mind their biz.
That said, you’re right, they did make up their minds, they don’t see you as an individual, but instead they see your race. That’s not likely to change much. Even if they behave a bit better, you’ll still be the token and constantly compared to others. It’s so wrong and you shouldn’t be subjected to their disrespect.
Drop the rope with them like it’s a rattlesnake. Minimize interaction, grey rock if you are around them. Be ready to leave at the first whiff of misbehavior and act on it.
I have so much sympathy for you! I kept showing up for my husband’s sake. However, I didn’t “dim my light” when I was around. I’m opinionated and outspoken. They didn’t care for that much unless I was creating a scene defending one of them….
SIL was the golden one…… even though she was thief and stole money from multiple family members earlier in their marriage…… and got caught in a vehicle with another man at their wedding reception…. at the IL’s house…… They always only wanted me around for the grunt work, or medical stuff, or to stand up to somebody….. literally, my SIL called me once to MAKE our MIL go to the hospital when she was complaining of chest pain. She lived with them. I told her to call an ambulance because I wasn’t driving an hour for that nonsense.
Shortly after that, I had MIL in my car, taking her to the doctor 3 hours away. She got mad at me because I wouldn’t take the route she wanted to take because it was down to one lane with construction. About 20 miles later, we were almost to the office when she started quietly clutching her chest dramatically and making little noises under her breath. Once she said she was having “light” chest pains, I detoured immediately to the metro area heart hospital, and there we stayed for 23 hours. She tried to sign out AMA, and I would not allow her to get in my vehicle. No one else would come get her either, and she tried DESPERATELY! That was the last time I took her anywhere.
Hubby finally came out of the fog when he had a rude awakening. My brother had medical and mental health issues and lived with us for nearly 5 years. We provided for him 100%, and I managed all his medical care and anything else he needed. He had a stroke and a heart attack at the same time but lingered for 10 days before he left this world. That was on a Friday. We had breakfast with hubby’s brother and the golden SIL a few days later. I didn’t want to go, but I love my husband, and this was preplanned before my brother’s crisis. 10 minutes into breakfast, his brother pointed out we had an extra bedroom now. Wasn’t it about time for us to take our turn with his mother? That shocked the hubby and opened his eyes. Especially when they tried to play it off as a joke. We’re basically NC with all of them. And MIL is in a nursing home, lol. Turns out she started getting mean and hateful to them as well. When they couldn’t pawn her off on us, they put her there pretty quickly.
Best of luck to you! Remember that no matter what they say and how they treat you, you are worthy and important! Always remember they are the ones who are worthless pieces of trash!
Spouse should be shielding you from their execrable behaviour.
I’d give up on keeping thier good opinion.
“Make her eat.”
Me: “she thinks you can make another grown adult so something they don’t want to do? What an entitled ass, huh???”
“Wow GMIL, i expected them to ignor me to show favoritism to GF, I did NOT expect them to do that to you!”
I’d be the sports announcer calling it like i see it.
Call them out “I don’t appreciate what you just did / said.” and “that wasn’t very nice of you to say / do. How do you like yourself?”.
Also, ignore them right back every time they ignore you and thank your lucky stars that their attention is focused elsewhere. These people can’t really be loving, that’s just appearances and manipulation and sadly, sooner or later, their character will come out with that girlfriend too. Another thing might be that they’re scared of the girlfriend and they pretend to behave. For now. And there are no children involved, that’s when they get really crazy. But meanwhile you have your boundaries in place so consider that a plus.
I kept showing up. I shouldn’t have. It made no difference.
After my in-laws passed away, I told my husband I had no desire to visit his family (siblings). I told him he was welcome to go without me. I told him if there was a family event, such as a wedding, I would be polite but I would not spend any significant time with them.
This almost caused a divorce when he decided to choose his siblings over me on our 35th anniversary. There event was something that could have been held at any time and didn’t need a lot of prior planning.
After some counseling, he now accepts that I won’t socialize with his family although he still asks and I just say “no thank you”.
I pulled back emotionally and detached in a significant way. I started by NOT showing up. I no longer tried to please any of them with cards, gifts. If my husband wanted to do this, it was on him. I stopped being my husband’s secretary. I did not answer my phone, because I don’t HAVE to answer it. If I got trapped into a conversation, I was deliberately vague and looking over their shoulder, quick to get out of talking. Husband had to talk over plans and then ASK ME if I wanted to go. Lots of times he went without me. As our daughter grew older, she had things to do on weekends and so, our time with them was even more limited. Even as a pre-schooler, we had library day and swim lessons and dance lessons and playdates, etc. Live YOUR life girlfriend…not the shitty one they seem to want for you.
i FEEEEL for you this is so annoying and so hard to understand why it happens
in my family my mom is obsessed with my sisters fiance – she quite literally brags about how early him and sister wake up on a given day (meanwhile we have a 20 month old and she did this when my daughter was a newborn we literally weren’t sleeping more the 3-4 hrs) he’s also in the marines and my mom started wearing marines sweatshirt after they had been dating for 9 months ( it’s been 2 years now) it was super weird cause she never acted that way with my husband who has been around for 11 years 😂
it is soooo bizarre i think it’s because my mom and sister are closer though – i distanced myself from my parents for other reasons a while back maybe that could be at play here? either way good for you for backing yourself and your husband protecting you and noticing it
Oh girl. This is a compliment. Sounds like the girlfriend is exactly like them. Of course she’s welcome. You will always be a strong amazing independent woman who probably helped your partner become a strong independent person as well.
And god do pieces of crap in human meat suits hate that.
They’ll never like you because you’re a better person then them and everytime you’re around they can’t help but see it, so you make them feel insecure about who their ugly selves are.
Keep kicking life’s ass and remember that to be liked by them means they think your one of them ick. No thank you.
My inlaws treated me the same but it was because they LOVED my husband’s ex GF and just couldn’t get over her. They never bothered to get to know me for at least 10 years and by that time I had just given up. I simply stopped trying and didn’t care anymore. Things on my end got much better once I stopped caring.
Distance yourself. Match their energy. There is no reason to twist yourself into knots for them when it will not change anything.
Stop seeing them, decline invitations, stay home, do not invite them to your home. You are not the problem here, they are. They won’t change and you can’t fix that. So protect your peace and cut their toxicity out of your life. Your husband will be okay going by himself since their ugliness apparently doesn’t bother him.
They’ve made it super clear how they feel. Now believe it. Don’t see them. Decline all invites. Low contact. I would not stand for that terrible behavior.
It’s time to drop the rope. Treat them with the same indifference they give you. Decline invitations. Grey Rock when you can’t avoid them. If there are children in your future, continue the same, even if they suddenly get interested.
I’ve stepped back. If my sister in law wants all the glory and brownie points, have at it. That also means she has to put up with all the bs that comes with it. And I don’t. I have stayed true to myself and I don’t have to “fake” it. So I let her take the spotlight and my husband and I just roll our eyes.
But overall I’ve kept contact minimal. It’s been healthier for me like that.