Sorry for any weird wording, English is not my first language.
My friend and I (both F mid-thirties) have known each other for fifteen years. We’ve been with each other through our wild twenties, through mental health struggles, family crises and break ups, and I pretty much consider her family (in fact, she’s been jokingly referred to as my wife amongst our friends).
A few years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, which was obviously a huge shock, and during her treatment we became even closer (to give an idea: the main friendship in the tv-show Dying for Sex made me ugly cry in recognition). She’s been cancer free for about a year and half now, but still struggles with mental and physical after effects.
But now for the issue: I seem to have become set in a role as her permanent emotional caretaker. She will send me long walls of texts at all hours – but often during the day when I am at work – sometimes about her physical or mental health, sometimes just to vent about her day. I realise most of us do this with our friends sometimes, but it’s happening enough that I am starting to get a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I see her name pop up on my phone.
I’ve tried:
- Gently reminding her – in a more general context – that I am very busy during the workday and usually don’t have time for personal text conversations
- Asking about her next appointment with her therapist as a way to redirect
- Replying that I don’t have time to chat right now, but would love to hang out and talk at xx date and time
- Replying with a simple message like “I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day <3”
- Simply ignoring her until I feel that I have the mental headspace to reply (which I realize is kind of shitty towards her and also leaves me with a permanent guilty conscience)
None of this seems to fix the pattern though. I feel like I need to have an honest conversation with her, but I’m at a loss as to how to go about it.
Note: This is mostly a texting problem – whenever we talk in person, our conversations feel more “two-sided” for a lack of a better word, and I feel like I am able to give her the comfort or reassurement she needs much more efficiently.
I do want her to still feel like she can confide in me and ask me for help. She’s always been a bit sensitive, but understandably even more so lately, and she has previously told me that her greatest fear is that her loved ones will eventually tire of all of her problems and disappear. I wish I could keep being the person she needs me to be for her, but this feels unsustainable.
I guess what I’m asking is: does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? How do I set healthy boundaries while still keeping our friendship?
TL;DR
I seem to have become the permanent emotional caretaker for my longtime close friend, and I’m unsure how to set boundaries without hurting her and/or our friendship.