Hello,
I just need some advice from someone with more perspective to weigh in on this.
My(22m) girlfriend(49f) is quite a bit older than me, as well as the only person I’ve ever dated so far.
I live with her and often feel really good together. However I’m also quite a soft soul where she can be very abrasive and, honestly, rude. There have been many conversations where I was left so hurt and needing space to cry.
This isn’t something I’ve hidden from her, we’ve had many conversations on how she’s aware on how she can come off and also that I am more sensitive.
But despite all these conversations sometimes it just feels like she’s getting worse. Especially as in the beginning she would check in or I would approach her, talk about what exactly was really upsetting, and she’d listen and felt like we figured out a common ground of understanding eachothers perspective. I dunno she feels like she’s gotten even more abrasive and just mean? Honestly. Which is very confusing as she’s preached to me many times it’s okay to feel how I feel I’m never overeacting, but when I’ve been crying so much more in our relationship all the past conversations we’ve had just feel empty.
She’s also much older than me so even though there are times where I really connect, laugh, and enjoy life and our relationship together. I worry that when I’m 30 or so I’m gonna feel like it was totally inappropriate.
I don’t know, these are things that’s hard to talk with my friends with as I fear worrying them, but just need an outside perspective on.
If you’ve read this ramble I greatly appreciate it! I also hope to hear any insightful perspectives:) thank you!
Comments
Please ignore a previous comment I made, I might have had you confused with someone else.
How long were you dating before you moved in together?
I suggest educating yourself about menopause, it can make people more volatile/impatient.
She might not be 100% sure what is going on herself.
Im 51 and cant even imagine dating a 22 yr old. Im in hospo so Im around them a lot, and will go out for drinks with them, but anything more than that, I just couldnt. Some of my friends have kids that age.
In my experience people who are into such significantly younger partners cant find someone their own age because of sighificant personal flaws (like being cruel or mean for instance) or they want someone they can control.
Id be looking hard at why youre not dating people your own age and exactly what it is youre getting, and they are getting out of this.
Yes menopause and perimenopause are real. Research more about how the body ages and make sure she is taking care of herself. Or help her to do this.
You mention your own relationship history (none) but what about hers? Has she been married, and if so, how did it end and how recently?
You say that you doubt menopause is an issue based on family history, but remember that genetics are only one variable.
Is money an issue? Financial stress can manifest as impatience or rudeness.
It seems to me you guys are mentally moving in opposite directions from each other. You’re pretty inexperienced, and at 22 have a lot more runway left.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
This has nothing to do with an age gap.
There is a reason she can’t get anyone older to date her, and that’s because as you mature you accept people’s shit less. People nearer her age, even in their 30s, won’t tolerate being talked to like shit or cruelty.
You are young. With no experience. She has found easy prey. You need to leave her, and chalk this up as a learning experience; you now know what NOT to accept in your next relationships.
Relationships at your age are an experiment to find out what does and does not make you happy, what you will and will not accept. You have learned that you will not accept someone who talks to you like shit. And you have learned that you do want someone who genuinely cares about your feelings, and someone who listens when you discuss your feelings. And you want someone, who, when you tell them something has hurt you – they STOP doing it because they don’t want to hurt you.
You are currently with someone who is careless with your feelings, someone who doesn’t care when they’ve hurt you, and treats you disrespectfully. You must stop this now before it gets worse. Because it will. She won’t change. At least, not for you.
She is wounding you. You have said you are a soft soul. The only way to deal with someone like her is to become hard and insensitive to the pain. Is that what you want? To become a shell of yourself because someone treats you like shit? Just so you can tolerate it?
No. Don’t change. Leave her. There are tons of other women out there for you, and so many of us appreciate a soft and sensitive soul.
Life is way too short to spend it with someone who’s unkind to you and makes you cry. Totally independent of the age gap, which is an indication of other potential problems, she’s just not nice and you deserve better than that.
I’m not inherently against spring-autumn relationships. I believe love is love, and meaningful romantic relationships are based on many personal factors.
That being said, when there is significant power imbalance between partners (age, finances, social status, etc), there is a greater risk of one person taking advantage or even abusing the other.
With age gap relationships, there is a possibility of the older party preying on the vulnerability and immaturity of the younger.
I am not saying that is necessarily your case, but consider that you live with her, so you are not as free to break up as if you had an independent place of your own. Has she gotten “meaner” after you moved in? That may be a red flag.
And when I say immature, I am not accusing you of watching cartoons and drinking apple juice. I mean maturity in your understanding of yourself as a sexual partner. As you mentioned, this is your first relationship.
A first relationship is a bit like a first job. You aren’t really sure if you are doing too much or not enough for your employer. You aren’t as comfortable enforcing boundaries or standing up for yourself. And you don’t actually know your worth. As an older person, I look back at my first job and I can’t believe the crap I put up with. I also can’t believe the crap I put up with in my early relationships, before I understood what healthy relationships look like and how much inherent value I have.
A first relationship is like that, and if your partner is mature, she may be taking advantage of your lack of experience.
Anyway, these are just some things to keep in mind. I hope you have a robust support system outside your relationship (parents, friends, coworkers, church, etc) who are also looking out for you.
At 22 no one is done becoming themself, so most likely you’re evolving! You get to be who you are, sensitive or not. Being treated poorly is not cool at any age; you know it, she knows it. Maybe this relationship has run its course as it previously was?
My son is your age and I am about her age. My advice would be to leave this abusive relationship. You are wasting your youth on this. Go out have fun you don’t need to be in a relationship if you don’t want to and especially with a woman old enough to be your mother and mean to boot. It breaks my heart to read that she makes you cry, you’re so young.
You got yourself a mean cougar son. She’s with you because she can control you. An older guy wouldn’t put up with her controlling ways, so she found herself a young sensitive boy.
An age gap like this is ok for some casual dating but not a serious relationship.
There’s a massive power imbalance. The older person earns more $ and has more experience.
Without looking at age, it seems like it’s time to leave this relationship. Your partner sounds insensitive to your feelings.
Seek a counselor & new place to live. You could still see this person but get some perspective & independence.
This isn’t an age issue for the most part. This is a person with a very controlling personality and you have a combination of inexperience, vulnerability and empathy that is easy for someone like her to manipulate.
The danger of being in a relationship with someone like this is if you continue to change yourself to please them and make them the priority of your life, if they decide that they are done with the relationship, you will find yourself lost because everything you’ve based your life on will be gone and it will take years to heal from that kind of damage. I know because it happened to me.
And if they don’t leave you, everyday will be a constant struggle between your true self and the self that you believe would make them happy which becomes a maelstrom of self-loathing and resentment towards them.
I know it is the joke on Reddit that everyone says get out when you ask for relationship advice, but I tell you this from the bottom of my heart: this is not a healthy relationship this will just hurt you in the long term. It is in your best interest to leave this person.
On the age gap, it is a big one. I’m her age and have dated younger, but not that young, for a bunch of reasons but one is just very different life experiences and relationship experience. There is a definite power imbalance. Moving in so quick is also hard in a relationship… how long have you been together?
I’m in a serious relationship with a 36 year old, and even in that there’s a power imbalance because I’m financially set and he’s not, for one. My career is also great while he does work he’s still in that time of figuring out if he will go back to school, etc. Despite being very close and together a year and a half, we have opted not to move in together, and the power imbalance does have something to do with that.
It’s possible all that new relationship energy is gone for her and now you’re seeing the real side. The reality of you two living together is setting in.
Another thing is that in abusive type situations, the younger partner is often dependant on the older one for money and a place to live, etc., which the wrong people can use as a way to treat someone poorly as they are trapped.
You were groomed. If you were F and partner M, people would be telling you to run. This is no different because the genders flipped. She’s not a ‘cougar’ – she’s a predator. Men her age aren’t interested in getting their feelings jerked around, so she found a naive boy who would mistake things like superior for worldly, mean for moody, controlling for concerned, etc.
I’m almost her age and dealing with hormonal BS. It’s not an excuse to be caustic to people. There are ways to deal with the changes that don’t involve lashing out at people. If she knows how she’s hurt you and has continued to do so, then she’s choosing to do it.
At best, maybe deep down she knows your relationship is wrong and is maybe trying to run you off.
If you’re into that sort of thing, go for it. Otherwise, back off and find someone you’re compatible with.
She’s not the one for you. Date someone your own age.
Your relationship sounds nearly exactly the same as the relationship I had when I was your age. Against all of my friends and family, we got married. It was truly the worst era of my life. Your being upset, her being indifferent to it, constantly. I know there are lots and lots of other feelings going on. And lots and lots of ways that you justify to yourself that it’s all okay.
But it’s not. And it isn’t going to get better.
It took me leaving and being away from her to realize just how wrong that relationship was. Not because of age, but because of how truly immature I was, and how intolerant she was being about it.
You’re 22, you have almost no life experience. She has MUCH more experience about life and thinks you should conduct yourself the way she does. You can’t, because you haven’t yet learned how. And you can’t learn it quickly enough to “catch up” to her.
Good luck to you. If you care to talk more, I’m willing to share my experience.
Leave this relationship. A few therapy sessions to clear out the flimsy woman left on you.
This isn’t an age gap issue.
She keeps you around because she can get away with treating you like shit. You deserve better, date girls closer to your age