Obligatory “I don’t give this permission to be used anywhere else” caveat.
My mother is firmly a JM. Sometimes she can be so supportive, other times a real piece of work.
I am recently found out I’m pregnant. It is VERY early days but me and my SO wanted to let our mothers know as we were so delighted.
I first called my mother to let her know, she was delighted but advised it was early days. No issue there.
The issue comes when I visited her 2 days later for unrelated reasons. She had been drinking and was crying happy tears (again, no issue) but then she got into a real state about my dad and how they wouldn’t experience being grandparents together. For context, my dad walked out after 20+ years of marriage over 10 years ago. He is remarried and my mother is not.
It turned into a full-on crying fest, with her sobbing about how she wishes she could celebrate the news with my dad, how she doesn’t know what went wrong, and how she doesn’t want “her” (my dad’s wife) to be called grandma. I ended up comforting her and left not long after. My sister who was there also started crying for the same reasons.
Am I being unreasonable for being slightly put-out? I wonder if I am because the divorce was traumatic and completely broke her. Then again, it was 10 years ago and I felt like what should have been a happy moment of her first (potential as its early) grandchild has been… tainted slightly?
I am a mess of hormones so appreciate I may be in the wrong here. Thoughts?
Edited to correct typo
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I think you need to give your mom some grace. People go into marriage dreaming of growing old with their spouse and being doting grandparents together, and a baby in the near future is driving it home for her that she won’t get to have that. Be peeved, but understand that it’s a very emotional thing for her to know her life isn’t going to work out the way she probably once imagined.
Ugh, OP. So sorry that she took your news and made it about her and her trauma. Nevermind the fact that she’s going to be a grandma and that her baby is having a baby. Noooo, she’s going to get in her feels and put all that on you during what is supposed to be a happy and exciting time.
That’s really unfair of her to do and lousy for you. You aren’t wrong to be upset by that – it’s been 10 years and definitely is time for her to have moved on.
She never dealt with the issue when it happened, and now she’s making it your problem. She needs help to sort out her emotions, or at the very least, she needs to not push them onto you when you’re busy growing a human. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your problem, but it is going to cause potential problems for you in the future, so you need to take steps to avoid that. I would strongly suggest therapy the next time you see her, and outright tell her that you do not need the stress of trying to manage her emotions for her. If she refuses therapy, slowly start reducing contact so you can focus on the baby without her issues causing additional stress and anxiety. You cannot make her get help, but you can and should protect yourself in the case that she doesn’t.
This is tough. It’s ok for her to feel her feelings. I don’t agree with her putting it all on you the way she did but clearly this has dredged up some things she’s tried to avoid. Proceed cautiously. If she can’t keep it together in front of you in the future then you have to decide how much you are willing to take from her and how you’re going to distance yourself.
Start thinking now of the boundaries you may need to set and enforce with her. She does not get to decide what your baby calls the other people in your lives. She does not get a say on who has access to your baby. If she continues to bring up your dad and his wife then you may need to keep her at arms length until she works through her feelings (hopefully with a therapist).
I think your mum can and should feel how she feels about things. She seems worried about being overshadowed as a grandmother and still heartbroken after 10 years. That said, she shouldn’t be putting this all on you right now. I’d feel put out too that the otherwise good news has been taken over by this instead. Maybe speak to her and tell her you know she is unhappy, but she’s going to be a grandmother and you want to focus on all the positives of this right now and not things in the past that can’t be changed, which isn’t to say it’s not painful for her – and you recognise this.
Is your Mom a drinker OP? Does she use alcohol to numb her feelings?
Your mom seems to be unexpectedly emotional, give her some grace. But be watchful if she continues centering herself so you can shut it down.
It’s ok for mom to feel the way she does, but weird and inappropriate to put it on you. If she really needed to share with someone, she should share with sister only and not with the pregnant woman who is trying to share her joy.
It is a red flag that she said she doesn’t want the other woman to be called ‘grandma’ – don’t let her make that an issue that she has any input on. If she brings that up again, shut it down. You should be able to enjoy motherhood without have to play therapist and mediate your mothers feelings.
Are you often parentified and used as a peer / emotional support for your mom? If this is a one off, try to move on. If it’s all the time, I think you should start thinking now about how you want to handle that going forward because it will be much worse as a parent. Moms like this become grandmothers like this and even my six year old can spot the self centering behavior.
This is why I avoid talking to drunk people when I’m not on the clock.
I’m sure she thought she and your dad would be joyful grandparents together. I’m sure it’s painful.
It’s not on you. If she’s not usually a drinker I would give her some grace.
Imagine your child has something fun/exciting to share with grandma, and grandma’s reaction is to start crying.
Please protect your kids from this. Maybe read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.
She will airways make everything about her, that’s not fair to you or your LO.
They took what was supposed to be your happy moment and completely waif’d it up and made it about them.
Your mother just had you console her over your own pregnancy, like it’s a tragedy or something. This is not justmaybe behavior. This is so deep in justno territory that you would have to travel for days to get back
Does your mother always make everything about herself? Do you often find yourself soothing her hurt feelings while ignoring your own? Because that’s not ok
“She had been drinking…”
Drunk people like to make things about themselves. They also like to manufacture big feelings so that other people can manage them. If she does this a lot, you might want to check out adult children of alcoholics, or al-anon groups to help navigate what will be changing roles.
She reacted fine. But she does clearly have some unresolved stuff with your dad that she needs to work out in therapy. Don’t let this taint your experience. Her initial response of happiness was great, and her trauma dump a few days later was definitely messy. You just enjoy your pregnancy and try to recommend therapy for your mom to move past her previous relationship.
Perhaps at a later time, let her know that, though she had been drinking, she is making a special time about herself and she needs to look past herself right now.
It’s such main character syndrome to pull this crap instead of celebrating you. If she needs someone to talk to, she should find a friend or a therapist. This is borders on emotional incest, and I’m sorry as perhaps you have gone through this your entire life.
Feel free to put some boundaries in place if that is the case.
Look up parentification and see if that applies to you. Does she always turn anything positive in your life about herself? Or does she always try to manipulate you into supporting her and taking a parental role when you yourself need support from your mother. Your happy news doesn’t need to be marred with her past.
you are nottttt the justno!
whether your mom is being disinterested on purpose or couldn’t manage her emotions, this was painful for you. in this situation, intention matters less than impact.
in my experience, happy drunk tears turn sour very fast. if she does this to you even semi-regularly, i would maybe suggest giving her a wide berth when she drinks and not give her ways to hurt you. based on what she said, i would also keep an eye out for attempts to live vicariously through your journey.
for what it’s worth, i am excited for you and your pregnancy! you sound smart and thoughtful, i know your baby will be lucky to have you as a parent 💙
Next time it happens, just leave.
When she gets mad, simply state “your feelings about dad are not my problem. You will not be able to visit baby when you’ve been drinking, so you might want to get a handle on that now. “
And hang up the phone.
Those feelings aren’t your issue and do boy take them on to your issue. Your mum needs to move on.