Note: my husband is reading this post and is agreeing to me posting.
After an incident 3 years ago, we’ve agreed that 00:30 is the latest that he should be coming home and he can’t get shit faced again (when I say shit faced, I mean half unconscious).
To his credit, he gives me regular updates so I know he’s alive. But he still comes home after half midnight a lot of the time if he goes out – which is not often – but most of the time he will check with me if it’s okay. The latest he’s come home is 01:30.
However, a recurring issue is that he’s constantly putting the decisions of “what’s appropriate” to do on me. Like how much he should drink, when he should come home. He keeps saying “let me know when you want me to come home”, which, I don’t think I should need to? It makes me feel controlling when he makes me make a decision. But if I don’t make one for him, he will come home late and then act like I shouldn’t be mad, because “he asked me when he should come home”.
Another one is his drinking. He’s on a lot of meds, and it’s become obvious to both of us that two drinks (not hard liquor) gets him beyond tipsy.
That’s the context.
The situation:
My husband made plans to meet up with a friend he hasn’t seen in years. I dropped him off at the pub they were meeting at 15:30 and he said he’d have one drink.
I don’t message him at all when he goes out, unless it’s to send a funny post I see. I don’t pester him. He sent me a few messages throughout the afternoon to let me know how it’s going, which was nice.
At 18:00 I ask him if I’m okay to have a nap. The reason for this is because every day when I’m not working, we go to our allotment any time between 19:00 and 20:00 (an allotment is a small piece of land you rent from the council to grow veg, etc). He says of course.
I don’t wake up until 21:30 and call my husband apologising, but also annoyed because he sent me a message at 18:30 (I was asleep) and then not again until 20:50, where, again, he said “let me know when you want me to come home”. He asks me to give him 30 minutes so he can finish his drink.
I do. I go pick him up at 22:00, despite the fact that my car has a black box installed and I get penalised for driving after 22:00. When he gets in the car he tells me he’s had four drinks. After he said he’d have one. (husband is asking me to note he said he can only AFFORD one drink).
He keeps saying he doesn’t understand why I’m mad, because he kept asking me when to come home. I tell him he literally asked once (20:50) when I was asleep. I tell him that, along with asking why he didn’t call me to check what’s going on when I don’t reply for over 2h?
We went back and forth, with me asking him why he can’t just make a mature decision without my input, and him asking me if I want him to read my mind.
That’s basically it. So, AITA for expecting my husband to be able to make considerate and mature decisions about when to come home and how much to drink without me having to tell him?
Comments
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Note: my husband is reading this post and is agreeing to me posting.
After an incident 3 years ago, we’ve agreed that 00:30 is the latest that he should be coming home and he can’t get shit faced again (when I say shit faced, I mean half unconscious).
To his credit, he gives me regular updates so I know he’s alive. But he still comes home after half midnight a lot of the time if he goes out – which is not often – but most of the time he will check with me if it’s okay. The latest he’s come home is 01:30.
However, a recurring issue is that he’s constantly putting the decisions of “what’s appropriate” to do on me. Like how much he should drink, when he should come home. He keeps saying “let me know when you want me to come home”, which, I don’t think I should need to? It makes me feel controlling when he makes me make a decision. But if I don’t make one for him, he will come home late and then act like I shouldn’t be mad, because “he asked me when he should come home”.
Another one is his drinking. He’s on a lot of meds, and it’s become obvious to both of us that two drinks (not hard liquor) gets him beyond tipsy.
That’s the context.
The situation:
My husband made plans to meet up with a friend he hasn’t seen in years. I dropped him off at the pub they were meeting at 15:30 and he said he’d have one drink.
I don’t message him at all when he goes out, unless it’s to send a funny post I see. I don’t pester him. He sent me a few messages throughout the afternoon to let me know how it’s going, which was nice.
At 18:00 I ask him if I’m okay to have a nap. The reason for this is because every day when I’m not working, we go to our allotment any time between 19:00 and 20:00 (an allotment is a small piece of land you rent from the council to grow veg, etc). He says of course.
I don’t wake up until 21:30 and call my husband apologising, but also annoyed because he sent me a message at 18:30 (I was asleep) and then not again until 20:50, where, again, he said “let me know when you want me to come home”. He asks me to give him 30 minutes so he can finish his drink.
I do. I go pick him up at 22:00, despite the fact that my car has a black box installed and I get penalised for driving after 22:00. When he gets in the car he tells me he’s had four drinks. After he said he’d have one. (husband is asking me to note he said he can only AFFORD one drink).
He keeps saying he doesn’t understand why I’m mad, because he kept asking me when to come home. I tell him he literally asked once (20:50) when I was asleep. I tell him that, along with asking why he didn’t call me to check what’s going on when I don’t reply for over 2h?
We went back and forth, with me asking him why he can’t just make a mature decision without my input, and him asking me if I want him to read my mind.
That’s basically it. So, AITA for expecting my husband to be able to make considerate and mature decisions about when to come home and how much to drink without me having to tell him?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
> and is agreeing to me posting.
Do you normally need permission from your 11-year-older husband to do things?
> why he can’t just make a mature decision without my input
Is it almost like there’s a reason he couldn’t find a partner from his peer group?
ESH. I just don’t understand this relationship AT ALL. He is behaving like a teenager needling his parents about staying out past curfew. He’s a grown ass man. You allow this! You okay along with him!
NTA
You shouldn’t need to baby your husband, or make all the decisions for him. He’s a grown man.
He should be able to say he’s going to have one drink and hold himself to that. You shouldn’t need to check in with him that often, it’s unhealthy for the both of you. It sounds like he has a lot of trouble doing stuff on his own.
NTA. I feel so sorry for you and the life you’re living. Your husband is a dependent, not a partner. If he’s reading the comments here – since, you know, he had to approve you making a post – I hope he’s properly embarrassed by his behavior. You shouldn’t be required to mother your significant other.
ETAH you are both exhausting. I can’t even with the constant communication and permission structure between two grown adults. The codependency is off the charts. I am getting claustrophobic just reading about it. I need air!
Your husband at 39 years of age absolutely should be able to manage his alcohol intake and socialising time appropriately independently. At his age he can’t outsource it.
In fact he does know how to do those things, if he didn’t he would be unemployable.
I would imagine, but I’m just guessing, he is putting that on you because he is looking for any wriggle room he can find. He knows he can only drink X number of drinks, but if you provide an opening he can drink Y. If he was holding himself accountable he would only ever get X. The same with returning home. He also gets the benefit of apologising and moving on when you are accountable, if he was managing himself appropriately then that “get out of gaol free card” is completely off the table.
Anyway, he can’t outsource a basic requirement of life. He can’t when he has requirements to others in other areas of his life, and he can’t to you.
NTA
Edit to say: be careful OP. Picking up managing another grown adult can be absolutely miserable. It’s full of disappointment and every time they slip through the network you desperately try to keep in place, you increasingly feel at fault.
NTA-What the others said, also he may have a substance abuse issue with alcohol. If you aren’t already in therapy separately or together I think that woukd be a good step if you want to stay together long term.
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>>However, a recurring issue is that he’s constantly putting the decisions of “what’s appropriate” to do on me. Like how much he should drink, when he should come home. He keeps saying “let me know when you want me to come home”, which, I don’t think I should need to? It makes me feel controlling when he makes me make a decision. But if I don’t make one for him, he will come home late and then act like I shouldn’t be mad, because “he asked me when he should come home”.
>Another one is his drinking. He’s on a lot of meds, and it’s become obvious to both of us that two drinks (not hard liquor) gets him beyond tipsy.
He has a drinking problem. Deep down he probably knows this, but he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it so he is throwing it on you. “You said it was OK, so I thought it was OK.” Or “you said I could go out and have a drink so if I overdo it, it’s on you.” This is crazy and immature behavior. It’s like a teenager asking what their curfew is (and then pushing those boundaries).
He is responsible for his drinking and what time he comes home, not you. You’re NTA, but you may end up being one if you keep putting up with this.
NTA He’s almost 40yrs old and can’t monitor himself? He knows what’s a reasonable time to come home and how many drinks he can handle. He just doesn’t want the responsibility of making decisions for himself and having some accountability. It’s time to put his big boy manties on and act like an adult.
INFO
wtf is a black box?
NTA but it’s all very weird. Sounds more like you’re his mom than his wife.
NTA.
However — The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different outcomes. If you keep saying be home by a certain time and he ignores you, I see 3 possibilities here.
How long are you going to spend with an alcoholic who doesn’t care about you? (And how is he getting home from these drinking binges?)
NTA, have to hard agree with the others saying, there’s a reason your husband didn’t find a wife his own age. Women his own age wouldn’t be as likely to put up with his bullshit. He’s responsible for himself, but all addicts try to put off their responsibility onto other people.
Nta. Sounds like he’s an alcoholic child. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life.
ESH
Why do you keep asking for updates so much? Why does he keep asking for permission? He can’t get shitfaced but doesn’t he have self-control? He needs to ask you to think for him? Curfew? This is all so weird.
If you ask him not to do something and he keeps doing it, he have no respect for you. Stop treating him like a baby and stop trying to control him so much, and you’ll probably realize that.
ESH
Your husband absolutely should be able to manage his own alcohol intake and not need a curfew or to ask what time he should come home like he’s still a kid.
Similarly, why are you asking him if it’s okay for you to take a nap? I don’t understand where the allotment comes into things. And you’re upset because he didn’t call you to check up on you when you were safely at home, he knew you were having a nap, and it was only a couple of hours? Seriously?!
Although I think your husband sounds worse in this situation – as he’s using his lack of decision-making to avoid culpability – you can hardly take the moral high ground of making “considerate and mature decisions” when it seems you need almost as much hand-holding as he does.
You both sound so needy and co-dependent it’s exhausting!
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NTA, I would have filed for divorce a long time ago. I see why he chose a wife too young for him. No one his age would put up with his bullshit.
You should speak to a lawyer.
NTA. That’s your husband not, your child. You are right, as an adult he should be making considerate and mature decisions by himself and not putting the mental load solely on you.
NTA. So your husband is an alcoholic and evading responsibility by putting all the decisions on you. And you’re enabling that behavior so far.
You’re not this man’s mother, and yet he’s insisting you act like it. This is a grown forty-year-old man. He should not require a nanny. He needs to be home by half ten. Period. NTA
ntah you need to find a real guy not a drunk teenager pretending to be grown.
NTA.
He should say what he is doing and then do what he said. And you’re allowed to be upset when he doesn’t. He is playing word games to avoid responsibility.
My guess is that while you aren’t thrilled with him being out late, the main issue is him trying to make you responsible for his behavior.
He’s 39 not 19. I highly suggest that you stop giving him any kind of curfew or drink limit at all. Let him decide. Tell him what hours you are available to give rides. And let him figure it out.
NTA your husband has a drinking problem and wants you to act like his mom despite you being way younger than him.
Both of you are weird about communication though. Why would you be mad he didn’t text you during your nap. Why do you need his permission to take a nap and what does the allotment have to do with any of this?
Your husband is an alcoholic.
His addiction dictates his behaviour. It is not your responsibility to manage his addiction. You must stop enabling him. Stop going to pick him up. Stop telling him what time he should be home. Stop asking if you can have a nap. Go to your allotment whenever you want. Stop taking penalties for driving after certain hours. What the hell?
You either accept he is an alcoholic who doesn’t care about how his addiction directly affects you and your life as an individual and that it will impact you for the rest of your life. This will be your life until he dies. Or you take steps to move on. If you want that moving on to be together he needs addiction counselling, you need therapy and/or a group like AlAnon, and you need couples therapy.
NTA but please love yourself more. You need to stop stop stop stop! setting yourself on fire to keep this man warm.
NTA. He’s a child. He should come home 12:30. You are not his mother you are his wife. He drinks way too much. Total irresponsible. Get Counceling or find a grown man because you don’t need to raise an adult child.
What the fuck is a black box and who the fuck is penalizing you for driving after 10pm?!? That’s the shit I would be up in arms about not about having a booze hound husband
NTA! And tell your husband to “man up” and start making a plan to come home at a decent hour without being drunk, on his own from now on! He has you do it, so he can use it as an excuse to stay out as late as he possibly can and drink more then he should, because -“you didn’t tell me any different”. Its a bs excuse, for him to pretend that its not his fault, and to try and avoid accountability for his own actions! He can only do and “get away with” what you allow and tolerate!
When do you want me to come home? How about 2051.
He sounds like an alcoholic – and denying he’s one by trying to put it on you. He needs WAY more help than you can possibly give. NTA and I’d split up if he doesn’t dry out. Your life will NOT improve or change.
NTA. But stop enabling his shitty behaviour. Tell him very clearly one more time that unless otherwise discussed BEFORE him going out he can come home at whatever time as long as it is 00:30 at the very latest and that he cannot get shit faced. Any indiscretion on his end of he can’t follow the agreed upon rules will have a negative effect on your relationship.
You’re not his mum, you’re not his keeper. If he can’t stick to the agreed upon rules he needs to face the consequences of his actions. My husband is 39 and if he acted the way your husband did on boys nights I would’ve left a long time ago.
You married a teenager. Congratulations 😂
I think the real issue here sounds like substance abuse more than anything. If he cannot control his impulses and keeps overindulging in alcohol, it may be best he seek treatment from a professional. Your current dynamic doesn’t sound healthy for your relationship. You both should be able to have your own time to yourselves and do your own activities without being policed by the other.
NTA for getting upset about this, but I do think it may be time for professional help.
Congratulations! You’re the mother to a 39 year old teenager. NTA.
ESH He knows your posting and is agreeing? What if he didn’t agree? You wouldn’t be “allowed” to post?
You give him a curfew of 1230? WTF? Are you his mommy?
You try to tell him how many drinks he can have? Again, are you his mommy?
He hasn’t seen his friend in years and you’re crying about what time he came home?
This is a weird ass relationship.
NTA but why is your husband trying to make you his warden/mommy? He is presumably a grown man without an alcohol addiction, I can think of nothing less romantic or sexy. I understand why you are peeved. I’m peeved by the second-hand ick!
Reading the post clarified why your husband married someone 11 years younger than him. He has the maturity of a toothpick.
I think that was the least attractive thing I’ve ever read on the internet.
You’re not his mom.
He’s 11 years older than you.
He repeatedly breaks a boundary you agreed to together. Worse, he negotiates it after he’s already out and had drinks.
He said he could only afford one drink, and then had 4.
He had you come pick him up knowing there was a financial penalty to do so.
He weaponizes incompetence by trying to corner you into making normal adult decisions, and then blames you for not making the decision for him, which is ICKY.
Tell your husband to grow the fuck up.
Everyone saying he’s an alcoholic even though you say it’s rare he goes out, is wild. Don’t get me wrong, there’s things he’s doing wrong but just take what people say here with a grain of salt. They’re not the brightest sparks and love to be outraged by anything.
You’re called an enabler. Stop enabling him. The best way? Leave.
YTA, this was a very elaborate waste of time.
You say he’s an adult and you shouldn’t have to tell him when to come home – ….. but when he comes home when HE wants – then you’re mad.
Looking at your last post, your husband’s not working (by choice or circumstance is irrelevant) and y’all are struggling. Why the f is he going out at all?
I’m not navigating for you both to be miserable, but he is irresponsible at best and at worst is pissing away money you don’t have, all while making you responsible for it.
Also, he needs to be honest about why he wants to fuck his mom. Cause he’s putting you firmly in the Mommy category, and presumably still wants to have sex. If this is jarring and off putting, good. It should be cause this whole situation is.
Hmmm….if I read all your other posts on here correctly..your husband doesn’t work at all now, is on disability, and you guys are barely getting by financially, even having to unfortunately, use foodbanks?!? If that is correct, how in the hell are you guys able to have him go to the pub, and buy pints (very expensive in the UK!!) at all?!?😳🤔 This shouldn’t even be a thing if tose things are true (again, I am assuming that I read your other posts correctly).
NTA but he is. He drinks and acts like an irresponsible teenager. Just because he’s in a place that serves alcohol doesn’t mean he can’t drink a coke or something. He needs to grow up.
You need to stop being his keeper.
You don’t have a husband. You have a teenager with a curfew and a drinking problem. I can’t even imagine a 39yo man acting this way. It’s not your job to be his mommy.
your husband is too old to be acting this immature.
If he can only afford one drink, why is he having four? He clearly has drinking issues.
YTA for wasting your life on this BS check out Al Anon
NTA. He’s playing games. He’s an adult who expects you to parent him, and whenever you don’t give him explicit instructions (which he knows you don’t like doing and uses that to his advantage), then he just does whatever the hell he wants.
It’s like a literal effing child. “Mommy didn’t tell me to come home when the street lights turn on this time, so I can stay out as long as I want!”
This is a man who clearly has issues with alcohol, maturity, accountability, and responsibility.
Former spouse of an alcoholic, here. This only gets worse and you should consider if that’s what you want your life to be. A mommy and caretaker to an adult drunk.
Your husband is acting like a teenage boy. How is he almost 40 acting this Way. No wonder he’s going after women younger than him.
Edit: NTA forgot to put that
He’s an alcoholic. Who wants to spend his time drinking with you setting his curfew and drink limit.
Set it to “stay home” and zero drinks. Do fun stuff together.
Maybe he asks because he is ready to get healthy.
Thanks to whatever powers in the universe have me here, single and completely free to post whatever the fuck I want while not managing another supposed adult as if I have a toddler. I think I’ll go have a nap…
He’s an alcoholic. He’s making you decide his level of responsibility at any given time, then just proceeds to get shitfaced anyways. I’d discard this guy. He’s not going to change (unless he wants to and makes the major effort, consistently, not an extended period of time). It seems improbable right now.
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You’re enabling an addict. He’s dodging responsibility and trying to make his bad decisions your problem so he can be frustrated or whiny at you instead of admitting he has a problem. You are putting up with this with no boundaries or repercussions, so of course the behaviour will continue. If you leave he’ll learn. I will say a soft ESH because it can be hard being codependent with an addict, but ultimately you’re enabling it and it’s your responsibility to not play his game and call BS.
NTA, bro has gotta put the bottle down. If he can’t, then he should leave you out of it and deal with it himself.
I’m not reading all that.
ESH, why are you making yourself mother?
Two 13 year olds got married….
How did you type all this out and you don’t see how this is fucking insane
ESH. You’re both fucking exhausting. He needs to stop forcing you to decide how much he can drink, when he can come home, and relying on you for a ride. If he wants to get trashed he should be able to and then he can get a fucking uber or a taxi like a normal person. He needs to take personal responsibility for his own actions. You’re fine to still pick him up if you want, but if you draw a firm line in the sand (“I’m not driving after 10pm”) then he needs to get his own shit sorted. And if your husband can’t do any of this, then he just needs to stop drinking period.
Both of you, stop with the constant fucking texting. You don’t need to constantly know if you’re going to the garden or when the other one wants to go home or how much you can drink or whatever. You’re both adults, communicate like it. You want a nap? Take a fucking nap. Husband is an adult, if he can’t figure his shit the fuck out then there are bigger issues here.
Frankly you’re codependent to a stifling degree.
NTA. He’s not incapable of making these decisions maturely, he’s just avoiding doing so and putting everything on you instead. If you told him he can go past the pre-discussed limits: that’s on you. If you don’t directly tell him no: that’s on you (but god forbid you do, then to him and his mates you’re controlling). You can’t win here. He’s a shitty husband. Good luck with the impending divorce (truly – it’s just a matter of when you’ve decided you’ve had enough, and I wish you all the best).
Have you tried drawn sex games or are you the dominant one? Pegging?
I mean, if you’re the one who wants him to come home at a certain time, then it makes sense that he would ask you what time that is. It’s not clear to me why it really matters to you whether he comes home at 12:30 or 1:30 on these occasional nights out. It’s not like he’s going to be carrying out any household responsibilities or spending time with you when he gets home either way. His constant questions about when to come home are in fact quite tedious, but they seem to stem from you attempting to impose a curfew on him in the first place. I don’t get why you ask him for permission to take a nap either. Or why you would expect him to call you when he knows you’re sleeping. Your whole dynamic is exhausting. He’s an adult who can decide on his own when to come home, he needs to act like one and you need to treat him like one. ESH.
He shouldn’t be asking when you want him home. When he’s sober and rational you have established as a couple that 00:30 is the boundary. Period.
NTA
Your husband is an alcoholic and is putting the responsibility of it on your shoulders. He doesn’t want permission; he wants someone to blame. “You tooooooold me I coooooould.” This so-called solution you’ve come up with is nonsense. It’s just kicking the beer can down the road. Stop playing parent to this middle-aged man.
Who needs a mommy at 39 years old? Good grief. You’re NTA is this particular matter, but why are you participating in this at all?
YTA. If he only goes out seldomy, let him come home at whatever time he wants and drink whatever he wants. Stop acting like his Mum and pretending he doesn’t ask you these questions because he’s afraid you’re gunna get pissed at him for having a life outside of you.
NTA but would need the medications to make a proper diagnosis for your husband.
You already know the answer. Long before bringing it to Reddit for validation. He’s an alcoholic. You’re codependent. Hope it was fun whilst it lasted.
Wonder what that incident was?
This is so annoying.
Enjoy the alone time when he’s out.
Dude, stop being an immature idiot.
Source: Married and don’t do any of this annoying shit.
You guys need therapy. There is way too much going on here for Internet strangers to even try to unpack it. Blessings on you both.
NTA. Why is it so hard for him to decide on his own how much he should drink and to go home at a reasonable time? Why does she have to be the “bad guy” who limits him when he should just be respectful first to his own damn body and secondly to his wife. Almost 40 years old sir. Grow up and stop making your wife parent you.
NTA but your husband is
He doesn’t need to drink for 7+ hours.
He’s an alcoholic and you’re an enabling codependent. He needs to make his own choices instead of forcing you to keep him on a leash and then acting like he has no free will under your control.
He should stop drinking. He likely won’t.
A couple years ago one of my friends died from mixing his meds with heavy drinking. He was only in his 40s.
NTA but sounds like a form of manipulation by the husband.
y’all are exhausting. and this is for r/relationships, not here…
You both sound incredibly exhausting
He is messing up his liver so bad. Hope its worth it.
A narcissist using weaponised incompetence to blame you for his poor behaviour.
Sorry, but he will never change.
Accept it or leave are the only real options.
The both of you are dramatic. You told him you were taking a nap, why would he be up your ass asking for a response? He needs to stop putting shit on you like the amount of drinks he has when he goes out.
So husband, if you are reading this, GROW UP.
You and only you are responsible for how much you drink, not your wife.
Learn how to be a responsible adult.
Your wife is not overreacting.
I am guessing you lost your license three years ago due to drunk driving.
Its not worth reading, you guys are so unhealthy–individually and together.
Hubby is an alcoholic and everyone is pretending he’s not and he thinks he can pretend he’s not as long as he doesn’t disobey mommy’s explicit directions. This interaction is so many ways of effed up.
Him askiing when he should come home / if he can stay a bit more / whether you are ok with X or Y, is him tuning you into his mother/manager – and making you responsible for his decisions. He’s a grown-up.. He knows hat he should and shouldn’t do. He is responsible for his own actions, and can’t dump that on you.
NTA, but he.certainly is.
This man needs HELP. Get him into an alcoholic program. One where he has a sponsor, and he has to go to meetings. It took a long time, but my husband killed himself with alcohol and cigarettes. I thought I was being a good supporting wife. I was always his designated driver. He never had a DUI. Please get him help now.
NTA
Why can’t he make grown up and responsible decisions on his own?
He needs to stop putting this on you. It’s not ok and it’s not fair.
Are you his mommy or his wife?
JFC this is a 39 year old child you’re dealing with.
Tell him to pull his head out of the incredibly small orifice in which it’s lodged, put his big boy pants on, and be a damn adult.
ETA – NTA
Ew, grown ass man wants someone 9 years younger than him to act like his mommy.
ESH. You guys have terribly poor communication skills. All of this, from either point of view, could be explained depending on the circumstances. Instead you two seem to actively be trying to turn the other one into a babysitter. I’m exhausted just reading this.
Your husband is an alcoholic. This is a bigger problem then him just staying out late. NTA.
He’s exhibiting multiple traits of an alcoholic. Lay off the booze buddy.