I (28F) am the oldest of 5 and I still live at home. My whole life I have been a caretaker for my siblings and parents, often sacrificing my own happiness in favor of the well being of others. I struggle with a lot of trauma as a result but I never minded much because I never had much of a social life.
Three years ago I met my boyfriend (25M) and he’s wonderful. He takes care of me exactly how I need which has helped me heal in so many ways so, naturally, I like spending time with him. We are not financially stable enough to move in together yet so our current schedule is that I’ll spend every weekend from Friday night to Sunday night at his place together.
At home, i share a room with my sister (24F) and she is pretty emotionally unstable most of the time but recently it’s been made worse by the fact that 5 months ago she went through a break up. Now she needs a lot of attention and I spend every week night with her, going to the gym, watching tv together and going for target runs. So much so that I don’t have time to spend with my other siblings and recently she’s started to express anger over me spending the weekends with my boyfriend instead of staying with her.
I’ve tried to reason with her and compromise by coming home to hang out on the Saturday mornings when he works but it’s never enough.
When I bring the issue to my mom, she sides with my sister and says she needs me so I should stay home and that I’m being selfish. My sweet boyfriend wouldn’t mind if I did but as bad as it sounds, his place is the only place I can rest without everyone needing a piece of me. The only place I can be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else.
I don’t want to seem like I don’t care because I do but the guilt trips are taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do.
Am I the asshole?
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I (28F) am the oldest of 5 and I still live at home. My whole life I have been a caretaker for my siblings and parents, often sacrificing my own happiness in favor of the well being of others. I struggle with a lot of trauma as a result but I never minded much because I never had much of a social life.
Three years ago I met my boyfriend (25M) and he’s wonderful. He takes care of me exactly how I need which has helped me heal in so many ways so, naturally, I like spending time with him. We are not financially stable enough to move in together yet so our current schedule is that I’ll spend every weekend from Friday night to Sunday night at his place together.
At home, i share a room with my sister (24F) and she is pretty emotionally unstable most of the time but recently it’s been made worse by the fact that 5 months ago she went through a break up. Now she needs a lot of attention and I spend every week night with her, going to the gym, watching tv together and going for target runs. So much so that I don’t have time to spend with my other siblings and recently she’s started to express anger over me spending the weekends with my boyfriend instead of staying with her.
I’ve tried to reason with her and compromise by coming home to hang out on the Saturday mornings when he works but it’s never enough.
When I bring the issue to my mom, she sides with my sister and says she needs me so I should stay home and that I’m being selfish. My sweet boyfriend wouldn’t mind if I did but as bad as it sounds, his place is the only place I can rest without everyone needing a piece of me. The only place I can be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else.
I don’t want to seem like I don’t care because I do but the guilt trips are taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel bad because my sister is sad and vulnerable and my mom agrees that I’m being selfish but I like spending time with my boyfriend and don’t want to neglect our relationship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Holy cow, NTA. It sounds like you’re basically everyone else’s servant and caretaker. Did nobody get the memo that you’re a person, too? You should get to have your own life and not just take care of everyone else. Seriously, you’re doing way too much of that. I promise they can learn to manage without you sometimes. And if they can’t, that’s their problem to work out — not yours.
The fact that all this is not obvious to you indicates that you are so used to being taken advantage of that you think it’s normal and proper. It’s not. If you’re feeling pulled in, guilty, etc., consider therapy to help you sort this out.
NTA Don’t set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. Tell your sister to find a therapist.
Definitely NTA – I was expecting you to say you were guilty because her bf just broke up with her, she’s crying buckets, and you basically said “not my problem”. But no, you have been catering to her whims for 5 months. You have a life, she needs to get over herself. Also, if your mom says you need to do more for her, why doesn’t she do it?
I don’t know the best way to tell her that you need your space, but I hope you can get to a spot where you can move in with your partner soon. Best of luck, get away from the toxicity.
NTA she needs to get over it and take care of herself instead of expecting you too. It’s five months already, it’s not like it was yesterday. Take care of yourself and stop catering to her.
From the title I was fully expecting it to be like she told you they broke up and you were like “that sucks, but I have plans, bye”. 5 MONTHS after the fact? NTA, and you are so far from it that this is baffling
NTA. Of course your mother is demanding things from you. She has offloaded her responsibilities onto you. It’s about time you started to not accept this.
Consoling your sister for as long as 5 weeks would be excessive, let alone 5 months! It’s generous of you to help her through the post-breakup. She’s an adult, though. She needs to accept responsibility for her own mental health. You’re not her therapist. If she can’t get over the breakup in all this time, she needs professional help, not a needy dependency on you.
You’ve been thrust deeply into a parentification role.You’re overdue to ease out of this and start living your own life for yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s normal progression into adulthood. Keep telling yourself that you are not the mother in this family, and you’re not responsible for assuming the role that actually belongs to your mother.
Tell your mom to take care of your adult sister on the weekends, and when she complains that she’ll have no time to herself (or for her husband, or your other siblings) just stare at her, then walk away.
Keep your weekends to yourself, and tell your sister to see a counsellor. She shouldn’t require your presence 24/7, whether it’s a week after the breakup or 24 months.
NTA
Are you an emotional support animal? NTA, but please build you life! Pronto.
NTA – Just because you’re her sister does not mean you’re her therapist. You need to have some time for yourself and you cannot sacrifice it for her wellbeing. Has she tried actually seeing a therapist? It could really help her. I’m sorry that your mother sided with her. You definitely did nothing wrong.
Ugh you live with a bunch of emotional leaches!
NTA. Your sister needs therapy but you aren’t it. You need your own life and you aren’t responsible for her. You have to set boundaries here and not allow your mother or sister to manipulate you.
Its been FIVE MONTHS? I thought you were gonna say on the night she broke up you left, to which I was gonna say NTA but its been months, you’ve been doing all that and she wants MORE? Does she have an unhealthy attachment to you? No friends, what about other siblings?
You are not responsible for her. She has to stand on her own two feet. Leave as often as you want, and stop coddling her.
NTA sounds like she wants you to be single alongside her
If sister was as needy with her ex as she is with you,,no wonder he dumped her. Seriously, wtf? 100% NTA.
Your sister broke up 5 months ago and you still need to hold her hand on a daily basis. F#ck me, that’s sad and pathetic. Your household sounds revolting. Your mother is a selfish cow. Of course she’d rather you do her job for her. Horrible and disgusting. It’s not and never has been your responsibility to mother your siblings.
Don’t feel that you’re doing anything wrong. You have every right to enjoy your life and spend as much time as you like with your boyfriend. The sooner you get away from your household the better. Stop taking their crap on board. It’s time they all grew up