I (34F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 5 years, and we dated for 9 years before that. My MIL has a history of ignoring/excluding me in subtle ways, such as:
- Giving my husband money with instructions to spend it only on himself
- Bringing souvenirs from her travels for everyone but me
- Getting snacks at the airport just for my husband
- Asking questions like “Who bought the new car?” instead of acknowledging our shared finances
- Pring into our personal business by asking nosy questions about how we split our finances and who pays for what, which is completely none of her business
- Always asking my husband where he wants to go or what he wants to do, excluding me from the decision-making process
The final straw was when we went out to dinner with her and her boyfriend. When the waitress asked about the check, MIL pointed to her boyfriend, my husband, and herself, saying “the three of them will be on one check,” and then pointed to me, saying “and she’ll be on her own.” I felt disrespected and excluded. When the waitress walked away, I said:
“Only someone like you would think it’s okay to exclude their own daughter-in-law from the family check. I’m not surprised, though – you wouldn’t know good manners if they bit you. This is just another example of your usual behavior.”
I could be the AH for calling her out in a public place such as a restaurant and should have waited to express my feelings in a more private setting such as back at the house.
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I (34F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 5 years, and we dated for 9 years before that. My MIL has a history of ignoring/excluding me in subtle ways, such as:
The final straw was when we went out to dinner with her and her boyfriend. When the waitress asked about the check, MIL pointed to her boyfriend, my husband, and herself, saying “the three of them will be on one check,” and then pointed to me, saying “and she’ll be on her own.” I felt disrespected and excluded. When the waitress walked away, I said:
“Only someone like you would think it’s okay to exclude their own daughter-in-law from the family check. I’m not surprised, though – you wouldn’t know good manners if they bit you. This is just another example of your usual behavior.”
I could be the AH for calling her out in a public place such as a restaurant and should have waited to express my feelings in a more private setting such as back at the house.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is calling my MIL out on not paying only for me at a family dinner and that action might make me the asshole because instead of waiting until we got to a more private setting such as back at my house I called her out in a public spot the restaurant
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
What did your husband say?
NTA. She started her thing in public and in front of strangers.
She foul as hell for this……… I wish your husband would stand up for you and stop letting his mom treat you like that.
NTA.
MIL made an unnecessary and hurtful comment publicly. You’re allowed to call it out. And if it’s repeated behaviour, more so.
The one question I have is where your husband stands on this. 14 years of being together, I’d have imagined him stepping in before you feeling like you had to respond.
Is your husband mute?
NTA, does your husband not say anything?
NTA and you need to consistently reply in that way every time she behaves poorly in the future. Every single time.
Why is your husband not shutting that shit down?
NTA; I can’t bring myself to blame you for calling it out there and then, after such a pattern of exclusion. You are understandably upset and angry, and as long as you didn’t try to humiliate or yell at her publicly, you are ok to state your reaction right then and there.
She’s been doing this for years. I can’t imagine why she would think it was ok. Why does your husband not stand up to her? Correct this behavior?
Maybe a small part of this is faulty normal mother-son nurturing, which could be accepted if it were accompanied by other gestures that included you both and even the occasional mother-in law and daughter-in-law activity (“the girls”).
But it’s so unrelentingly exclusive of you that it’s time to confront it directly, with your husband, ideally. She needs to face a united front against this continuing at all.
NTA
Some of the earlier examples could be explained away on their own, but specifically paying not only for their check but also for your husband and excluding you is a huge insult! I would be refusing to go out to a meal with them ever again, and depending on how my husband would react to this, debating ending our relationship too!
I just wonder why your husband didn’t do anything? It’s really horrible to be in a marriage where your husband does nothing and is complicit in his mother’s behaviour.
I think you’re being the arsehole for tolerating this behaviour from your husband and mother-in-law. Neither of them respect you.
So he’s noncommittal when given a decision to make by his mom, for fear of being put down. Is he scared of standing up to her? Has he ever stood up to her for you?
NTA you deserve to be treated fairly.
Your husband and MIL are. Your husband should have shut this sh*t down years ago.
It’s time for you to go no contact with MIL until a full apology from her.
A full apology involves:
Where is your husband when she does this stuff? It’s not sticking up for you. Why bother going anywhere with her?
This feels very rage bait-y cause I don’t know anyone who would put up with this and think they’re the asshole.
NTA for standing up for yourself
YTA for not putting this on your husband to deal with.
Does he not have a voice to put his mother back into the hole she crawled out of? You have a husband problem – you should look into that instead of worrying about the MIL.
NTA. Go you for calling her out. Shame on her. However, your husband should really be the one dealing with her disrespect of you.
Woohoo! You go girl! NTA, but your husband needs to step up already
That would be the last meal I ate with her!!! Disgraceful behavior. Your husband needs to stand up to this. And if he can’t, it’s lucky you’re a strong woman who isn’t going to take this shit any longer.
Where is your husband in all of this? Does he say anything? He needs to step up!
NTA. Your mother in law sucks.
NTA, your husband and MIL are though. I’ve read that you said he is trying by redirecting. I mean, it’s a start but clearly by far not enough to stop the behaviour. Your MIL is mean and suggestive hints like “my wife and I appreciate this” is not enough to stop a bully. He really should have stepped up here. This is so disrespectful. On the other hand, proud of you fir standing up for yourself and letting her know this is not okay. I hope your husband is going to stand up more clearly to your mom by actually calling her out. “Hey mom, this is very mean what you are doing right here. My wife is just as much part of the family as I am.” Could be a nice start. For an example.
NTA.
MIL is an AH. AHs deserve to be called out when they’re behaving badly.
You have a husband problem. She does this because HE allows it. Probably makes all the right noises to you in private, but handles her with kid gloves, whilst you continue to disrespected and this isn’t passive aggressive, it’s outright aggressive because he’s allowed it to escalate to this point. NTA
Did you form this account just to post this?
I’m thinking it’s not real.
NTA but was your husband just sitting there while this was happening? WTF??
Why wasn’t he telling her that this was unacceptable behaviour and you would both pay your own bill, thanks? Does he ever shut her down?
If not, you’re in for a very unhappy time – it should be you and your husband against the world, not him and his family against you.
What’s his reason for not stepping up properly?
ETA grammar
Your husband problem is far greater than your MIL problem
You’re NTA, but him………?
MAN OH MAN. Don’t put up with this nonsense. You are justified in saying what you said. If you had walked out would your husband have followed? If he would stayed then mil would have had her sonny boy all to herself .
She is a piece of work and your man needs to put a stop to this right now. If he does you will knk
Why the fuck did you go to dinner with this woman? Tell her to kick fucking rocks, and if you PIS husband does nothing let him go with her
NTA. She outright disrespects you. Why isn’t hubby speaking up? That’s a bigger issue here. Do you realy want to be married to someone who does not defend you?
You have a massive husband problem.
NTA. Call her out every time.
Nta. Not even slightly. You’re husband is a much of a AH as your mil
What did your husband say to this behaviour from his mother. I think you did the right thing, bully’s only bully when you let them, good on you for standing up for yourself with her in front of your husband.
NTA, but it won’t help, because it was from you. MIL will never respect it from you.
Your husband’s attempt at “redirecting” is not working, Obviously.
He needs to step it up…and do it now
Your history list doesn’t really concern me. Your MiL sounds frustrating but ultimately nothing she’s doing can’t be handled by your husband.
I’m also not particularly moved by the the dinner incident, yes it’s rude but you MiL doesn’t have to buy you dinner. She’s entitled to say she only pays for her own family – not in laws.
Your issue appears to be that your husband didn’t immediately jump in and say he would pay for himself and you. In fact, unless you’ve missed some very important context he never does anything. The financial gifts and souvenirs I think are okay, the snacks he can accept then turn to you and ask if you’d like anything and go off and get it before eating his, and your joint finances he can just say “mum, I’m not discussing our finances with you”. Everything has an easy, low confrontation, response and yet he isn’t handling any of it.
You have a husband problem not a MiL. I don’t agree that a parent can’t just pay for their child, I think you are a bit to invested in you both being a unit. However, this has clearly gone a bit far and your husband should be realing it in.
There’s something big missing here…. What’s the root of MIL’s focus on money?
Where is your husband in all of this? She will only have this amount of audacity towards you if he allows it/says nothing. Yta to yourself for not getting your husband to get his mother in line. Sounds like a husband problem more than a MIL problem.
Nta
Good on you. Since you can’t rely on your husband to be loyal and care for you, you have to step up and correct her every time.
Your husband is a prick.
Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know you will not tolerate this anymore.