We have a 14-year-old son who is not my bio son. I adopted him at 5. We have a bio kid who is 6. She has a bachelor’s degree in archaeology and after she finished that she did a month long field school in Ireland. She fell in love with it and our problems started.
I was home with our kids that month. I have abandonment issues. My dad left the home for 3 years when I was 16 and my sibling was 5. When my wife said she was sad to be leaving Ireland, I took it personally against myself and our kids and got withdrawn, mean, honestly I don’t fully remember.
She wants to go back to Ireland and about a year after returning said how she had been torn apart by my response. I opened up about my hurt. She assured me she did love us. We decided to retire to Ireland. Then it became let me retire early and we can move in 10 years. Then 5 years if possible.
She is leaving for a masters program in Ireland this fall. She also went to an Irish internship this year. It was rough. My younger kid missed her greatly and the day my wife was back my daughter took scissors and cut up a quilt my wife made her. My wife has a job now and had to leave early. So at bed she told my daughter she would be gone for work in the morning. My daughter cried and asked if she was leaving forever.
Our marriage is ending. I was OK with her being here 8-9 months and then 3-4 months to go do digs in Ireland. She wants to either stay in Ireland for a PhD or get a job there. Her plan is to co-parent. Decembers and summers. To me that is being a single father for 8 months and having a 50/50 split when she is here.
I think it’s harmful to our children. Especially the 6-year-old. I think my older son is resilient but he has abandonment issues from his bio father.
I’m terrified. Having to parent my kids 8 months a year is a lot different than joint custody. I won’t get any nights or weekends off for months at a time. My own parents aren’t involved in my kids’ lives to help out. I’m afraid for myself and what it will do to my mental health. And how that will spill into my effectiveness as a father. I’m also just absolutely heartbroken because I still love my wife and want to be with her whether it’s healthy or not. And then obviously I’m terrified for my children. I also have a pathological fear of being alone in the house without another adult, because I find it incredibly bleak and depressing due to my own family history and having spent most of my 20s living alone and not having much of a social or family life at all.
I think my wife views it as following her dreams and not wanting to resent her children if she stays. I feel like I offered her a partial solution of being able to be in Ireland 3-4 months a year in a way that could let her feel fulfillment but also let the kids interpret it as summers away for work and not Mom is gone. My wife thinks that’s not enough and says she regrets being a mother. She says she loves her kids but has to follow her dreams. AITA for asking her to stay?
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We have a 14-year-old son who is not my bio son. I adopted him at 5. We have a bio kid who is 6. She has a bachelor’s degree in archaeology and after she finished that she did a month long field school in Ireland. She fell in love with it and our problems started.
I was home with our kids that month. I have abandonment issues. My dad left the home for 3 years when I was 16 and my sibling was 5. When my wife said she was sad to be leaving Ireland, I took it personally against myself and our kids and got withdrawn, mean, honestly I don’t fully remember.
She wants to go back to Ireland and about a year after returning said how she had been torn apart by my response. I opened up about my hurt. She assured me she did love us. We decided to retire to Ireland. Then it became let me retire early and we can move in 10 years. Then 5 years if possible.
She is leaving for a masters program in Ireland this fall. She also went to an Irish internship this year. It was rough. My younger kid missed her greatly and the day my wife was back my daughter took scissors and cut up a quilt my wife made her. My wife has a job now and had to leave early. So at bed she told my daughter she would be gone for work in the morning. My daughter cried and asked if she was leaving forever.
Our marriage is ending. I was OK with her being here 8-9 months and then 3-4 months to go do digs in Ireland. She wants to either stay in Ireland for a PhD or get a job there. Her plan is to co-parent. Decembers and summers. To me that is being a single father for 8 months and having a 50/50 split when she is here.
I think it’s harmful to our children. Especially the 6-year-old. I think my older son is resilient but he has abandonment issues from his bio father.
I’m terrified. Having to parent my kids 8 months a year is a lot different than joint custody. I won’t get any nights or weekends off for months at a time. My own parents aren’t involved in my kids’ lives to help out. I’m afraid for myself and what it will do to my mental health. And how that will spill into my effectiveness as a father. I’m also just absolutely heartbroken because I still love my wife and want to be with her whether it’s healthy or not. And then obviously I’m terrified for my children. I also have a pathological fear of being alone in the house without another adult, because I find it incredibly bleak and depressing due to my own family history and having spent most of my 20s living alone and not having much of a social or family life at all.
I think my wife views it as following her dreams and not wanting to resent her children if she stays. I feel like I offered her a partial solution of being able to be in Ireland 3-4 months a year in a way that could let her feel fulfillment but also let the kids interpret it as summers away for work and not Mom is gone. My wife thinks that’s not enough and says she regrets being a mother. She says she loves her kids but has to follow her dreams. AITA for asking her to stay?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my wife not to move to Ireland. I guilted her into giving up those dreams to be with our children. I might be an asshole for not fully considering her feelings and for not considering what her being here unwillingly may mean for how she treats our children. People online have told her I am being unreasonable for squashing her dreams and not supporting her life outside being a mother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but it just seems like your typical divorce situation. At least she’s offering to co-parenting responsibly, but it does read like she’s not having her kids’ feelings towards the thing into consideration.
Info? Why can’t you all go as a family?
Sound alike you put a lot on your wife by from how you explain you are scared to be in your home without another adult. And sound alike you shouldn’t have adopted the boy or had your daughter if you can’t think of facing being the only parent, as sadly people can pass away without notice so we need to be ready to step up and. Not have a bag full of excuses.
Esh.
Can’t you all move to Ireland. It’s the poor kids who are going to suffer cow or you both.
NTA What a tough situation, I don’t suppose yourself and your kids would be open/able to move to Ireland?
NTA but slightly being TA to yourself for asking her to stay. She regrets being a mother. That’s all you have to hear to know that she isn’t capable of being the wife you want and need. There is nothing to be gained by having this person in your life. She will resent your entire family and grow bitter if she stays. As hard as it is, it’s over.
Is there a possibility of your family moving with her? If not, she is TA for putting you and the kids through this. Especially the older child who has already lost a parent. I understand wanting to follow your dreams but not at the detriment of your own children. Also the “I regret being a mother” comment is so messed up on so many levels. I’m so sorry you and your children are going through this. Therapy might also be a good idea at this point.
YTA for guilt tripping her into giving up dreams and for putting your unresolved abandonment issues on her. You need to get right.
If your marriage is ending you don’t have any say what she chooses to do. If you want your marriage to work you need to work with her, not against her, or one of you will end up regretful and resentful.
Why can’t you go to Ireland too?
NTA, but you should go to therapy to deal with all of your unresolved issues.
NTA. That’s really tough, but ultimately I know if I had that big aspiration I’d feel resentful if I was kept from it.
There’s solutions and I’m sorry for you but just know when your kids are older they’ll know what a big part you played.
You need to go to therapy and stop projecting your abandonment issues onto your wife. It’s still a complex situation though.
Can you go too?
Updateme
YTA or ESH. I have to wonder how much of this is a result of how you reacted after she came back the first time. She was sad to be leaving Ireland so you got mean and withdrawn and you don’t remember?!? And you wonder why your marriage is falling apart?
It sounds like you made her life miserable and pushed her away and are trying to stop her from following her dreams. But she shouldn’t abandon her kids.
Why don’t you all go to Ireland even if you’re divorced you can coparent and share custody? Idk it sounds like you really lashed out at her and there’s a lot packed into whatever happened when you were mean and forgot what you did.
Your child’s mother is a massive, selfish asshole. Not you.
Uff, this feels like it’s way above Reddit’s pay grade. Are any of you in therapy?
Sorry for your situation
Obviously this person cannot co-parent since they have no intention of being any kind of parent at all. Your kids need stability, please get full custody and give them the stable home your wife is trying very hard to deny them. One day when she makes big money in Ireland she can send your kids reasonable child support. She sounds like a selfish and pretty bad person – consider the possibility you are repeating the same cycle for your kids that was modeled to you as a parenting relationship in your childhood. When choosing future partners please keep this in mind it seems your intuition will lead you to the worst kind of partner for yourself.
NTA. Both of your responsibilities are first and foremost to your children. There is no undo button. She can justify it however she wants, but she is leaving your family to pursue other interests, and would mean your older child would have been abandoned by BOTH of his biological parents. That she would even consider this is insane to me.
This is not a situation where split custody would benefit you or the children, it would deny you necessary financial support and deny them necessary stability. It would also severely restrict your ability to find a new partner or support. It would also allow her to deny what it is she is doing. She can compromise on her dream and have patience, or you can go for 100% custody with visitation and collect child support. This “I’ll co-parent three months out of the year” idea is the worst of every world for you and your children. The only benefit is to her peace of mind, allowing her to minimize her child support obligation and convince herself she hasn’t abandoned her family.
“Ah yes, I will traumatize all of my children and my husband who all have issues with abandonment by abandoning them to pursue my dreams. This is not my fault nor my responsibility because I really really want to do something else, and waiting five years and/or only doing it a few months out of the year isn’t good enough.”
NTA and she is a deadbeat. She made a conscious choice to be a mother. You don’t get to just walk away from that! (And I say the same thing to deadbeat dads).
All I can say is be there for the kids, and make sure you all see a professional to process your feelings are the trauma that will come from it. And you need to move on, because you wife clearly has moved on to other things. She does not care about her husband and children. Find someone who will put your family first.
ESH.
But you should really go to therapy for your abandonment issues. Feeling afraid to be the only adult in the house is not normal.
Also it seems like you’re more worried about being a single dad? Women do it every day, you will be okay.
Sounds like she met a fella over there. OP, sorry this is happening but MAN, you need therapy if, as a 42 year old man, you’re afraid to be home alone.
Im so sorry for your situation. Someone doesn’t just leave their kids without lacking some ability to have family bonding . You deserve someone who wants and enjoys to be with you. Your wife isn’t that person. Even if she stays you aren’t being fair to yourself be being around someone who isn’t right for you. Find someone else. Date. Try not to say yes to someone just because you’re filling a gap but make sure it’s the right person who aligns with your own values and lifestyle. Youll be happier. There’s beautiful blended families out there if you find someone who loves being a mother and enjoys their life with family and children as part of it. It’ll be hard but you can bring these children up so they have strength of mind and you can enjoy being with them, get shared hobbies etc
is anyone else mad impressed that the 6 year old already has a bachelor’s degree
NTA and are you sure she didn’t meet someone new on that first month-long trip?
I understand that compulsion people get to just drop it all and restart in a new place they fell in love with. But for most people that’s not practical and it’s just a fun daydream. And the small amount of people who actually do that usually don’t have established families with children and careers. And people who do make the leap while having established families aren’t typically doing it against the wishes of their partner.
The point is – her actions suggest something more extreme than the typical “moving to live my dream” wanderlust influencer thing. It sounds like she’s yearning to get back there for something much closer to the heart than the beauty of Ireland or maybe enrolling in an academic program.
She wants to go there to live her life with someone special – she already has that person picked out and is openly pining for them, and it’s not you.
Marriage and therapy immediately. You would benefit from individual therapy for the issues you brought up. Marriage counseling to see if you can work through this with your wife or not. It will help if you have to transition to a co-parenting situation in the future.
Wife would benefit from individual as well to discuss her feelings towards her children and sort that out.
Info:
What country are you living in?
Is your wife in Northern or Southern Ireland?
Is moving to Ireland an option for you? If not, can you move closer to a transit hub, like Liverpool?
Do you live close enough to Ireland for your wife to split her time/commute (stays in Ireland Monday to Thursday night, but home Friday-Sunday)?
As someone writing this from Ireland, I think she’s delusional. She’ll be able to do a PhD sure, all colleges accept International students. But a job? With what visa? I’m presuming she’s not an EU citizen.
It’s not impossible but without being sponsored by a workplace, it’s difficult.
Also, Ireland is small. I’m not sure how she thinks she can sustain a career in archaeology in a country that takes 3 hours to drive from coast to coast. It’s either a career as a college lecturer or nothing, basically. It’s not like there’s a ton of digs happening around here.
Also, housing costs an absolute fortune – rent is insane – how is she proposing to fund all of this? A PhD is 4 years, no? She must be rich as fuck.
I think she’s delusional. Or else she has some romantic attachment here. Which is also delusional.
And she’s a shite mother.
ESH. Specially you, OP. You could just go to Ireland with the family. Ireland is one of the most beautiful places to live! Never get into the way of someone’s career, future, finances AND passion. Archaeology is a beautiful career, not everyone can do it and your wife can !
So, respectfully, OP, shut up and join the excitment of living abroad ! Live and learn new culture. Drink a lot of beer ! Ireland is safe to rising kids, specially bcs there are plenty of natural parks, old castles, people are amazing!
YTA to yourself and your kids here. She stated she regrets being a mother and wants to abandon everything to go live in another country. If you try to make her stay she will hate you and your children and she will take it out on both of you.
Why do you want to hurt your children more by dragging them through that experience?
Cut your losses, file for divorce and child support, better yourself and then move on to find someone you’ll actually have a good relationship with. Your projecting your own issues onto this mess and being selfish about it. She’s going to do what she’s going to do, but how you handle this is what matters.
You and your kids need therapy and you need to learn to let go. You have to step up as the stable parent. Join some support groups for single parents and dads. Get your kids involved with extracurricular activities so they can make friends and have stuff to do. You need to make friends and build your own social support. And don’t jump straight into a new relationship until you’ve worked on yourself and your fears so that you can learn to function in a healthy way on your own.
There must be something magical about Ireland; my mom, who traveled the world, came back from there and said, “You should move there, you would absolutely love it”….I have a friend who moved there also and never came back
I’m sorry you’re so stressed. It sounds like a rough divorce.
If she has a work visa, why can’t you move with her to Ireland? Does Ireland allow dependents on a student visa? You’re NTA for how you feel but I am very confused about the fact you apparently never considered relocation to Ireland for the family. Is it your wife who doesn’t want that? Is it because of the housing crisis there?
Please get therapy for yourself and your children.
NTA. You do realize she has someone else lined up in Ireland right? This isn’t just about a degree program and work.
Gently, ESH.
Your wife says she regrets being a mom and is willing to leave her children behind to “follow her dreams.” She seems to have zero interest in raising her kids AND I would bet she’s already cheating on you with some Irish bloke.
She’s an asshole.
I’m saying ESH because your marriage is ending, yet you seem to want to hold onto a terrible woman who wants to run to another country to escape you and her kids. You need therapy and you need to just let her go. The kids can fly to Ireland and visit her for holidays if she bothers to send plane tickets.
NTA, she’s putting her career above her family. If career were local and she wanted to pursue something further there while also being a responsible parent, then I’d say she has a right to. But moving to Ireland and leaving bother kids, including one that isn’t yours, is beyond me. I’m assuming you see her oldest as your own kid and have no problem with it? But it’s a little crazy of her doing that. She seems to want to be free of responsibility. She likes only worrying about herself. She’s tired of being a parent and wants to pursue her dreams. If she didn’t have kids, then divorce would be it. But she has kids and I low-key feel like she is using you. She is using you knowing you’ll care for the kids while she lives out her dreams.
NTA and please get therapy. You and your children are going to suffer if you don’t get some serious help with those abandonment issues. Your kids are going to take on your trauma and the cycle will begin all over. Please please please get all 3 of you into counseling yesterday!
NTA. I do hope you and your family are getting therapy for the all the issues this is causing.
I don’t know about Ireland, but I have a masters in archaeology in the UK (2 actually, historical and forensic). Would you like to know what I do for a living? I’m a civil servant. There are so few archaeology jobs and those that are available usually need connections or a hell of a lot of experience/expertise. I still do a lot of volunteer digs but that’s mainly for fun.
I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this.
Nta. Focus on the kids and if she leaves, do what you can to minimize her involvement including getting full custody. A parent who drops in whenever is so damaging to a child.
You are going to ok. You sound like a great dad. Join single parent groups and get out. I’m sorry your wife sounds so ungrateful. I have the feeling she has a side piece over there. It would be worth checking into. I advise you to start dating also .Therapy for you and the kids.
Get full cut and child support from her. Although if she’s in another country she might never pay. Cut it off clean.
NTA, but I think your wife is cheating. Also I don’t know how she will sustain her livelihood being a student in ireland, unless you send her money every month, that will make her more TA.
I just smell the sus here, Ireland isn’t that big of a digging side, a person that has single sense of responsibility will never leave 2 of her own biological children like that, unless there is a very strong feeling that blinds her.
Out of curiosity: what were your expectations regarding your wife’s career, knowing she has a degree in (or was studying) archeology? That she’d stay in your/her local town and dig around locally for 40+ years? Or that she regularly would have to travel across the globe to support in archeological sites and findings?
Your story makes me feel like a good conversation on that topic never happened and that the opportunity in Ireland came as 1 big surprise no-one ever accounted for. Because whether it’s Ireland, or mainland Europe, or Afrika,… she would have had to go somewhere at some point.
I need more info to decide on the AH-part
The regret being a mother thing is something she can’t come back from, but I guess, why can’t everyone move to Ireland? That would be amazing! It’s a lovely country.
Option 2: She leaves, and things go as you laid out. Find/create a single dad/parents group. Befriend parents on your kids’ teams, etc. Find yourself a support system if you can. And are you not in therapy for your issues?
First, please get therapy. And, if already in therapy, please discuss this with your therapist, and especially how you are putting your feelings on your children.
Would it be possible for you to all move to Ireland? Or for the kids to live in Ireland with their mom for part of the year?
Let your wife pursue her dreams and career. She will come to resent you if you don’t. This is not about her—it’s about learning to respond to her life in a healthy way.
This whole situation seems like everyone throwing around ultimatums for no goood reason and ESH…I’m a mom and I throw my dreams into the wood chipper every damn day to make sure my kid has enough. Dreams? Really?
I don’t see how the two of you brought two children into this mess, and I REALLY don’t understand why you entertained Ireland as a retirement plan for years if you’re so steadfast against it? Why is it seemingly taking years to make this decision? And why did both of you keep inviting children into it!?
This is why you do a lot a lot of therapy before marriage and kids.
I’m from Ireland (in fact, I think I might have met your wife…if she’s ‘A’). Half of the US have been searching how to move to Ireland. I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as she thinks, at least when it comes to work. Does she have a plan for this? For accommodation? We’re having a severe housing crisis. Students without visa issues aren’t even able to find housing. If she’s going into this eyes wide open and still thinks she can make it…I don’t think you can stop her. But if she isn’t and it all crashes and burns…make sure you’ve protected yourself legally. You are NTA.
NTA
From my knowledge, Ireland is super expensive to live (not from there, so correct me if Im wrong).
Also, archeology is not a lucrative industry (unless you capitalize off of some groundbreaking expeditions, which I doubt she will), so I don’t know how she expects to live this “dream.”
I understand wanting to retire there, but to abandon your whole family to move there sooner is just terrible.
She committed to marrying you and raising children, but now regrets being a mother? Try not to lament her absence, for it may be the best thing for you.
Im very sorry, my friend. You deserve much better. And please seek help so you can overcome your issues. The quicker you get help, the sooner you’ll heal.
ESH. You don’t get to hold your wife hostage. Either go with her to Ireland, accept having primary custody with her allowed long periods of visitation by the kids, or give her primary custody and let her take the kids to Ireland. (No judge will allow the last option without your consent, which may be why she isn’t suggesting it.)
That said, deciding at 40 to abandon your family to pursue a career in archeology is also an AH move. That’s a career move that could have been done at 20 or, since that ship sailed long ago, wait until 50….archaeology isn’t going anywhere.
NTA but also you can’t do anything about her in the end. She’s going to make her choices, and unfortunately you’re going to have to prepare to move forward with the results. All you can do is go to court over how to handle custody when she wants it, but even they can’t make her stay and take care of her kids. The rest, unfortunately, is your trauma you’ll have to work through with counseling. I’m very sorry, that’s very hard, but it’s the reality of an adult making a choice. Now you’ve got yours to make i. response to hers.
So the REAL issue here is you. You don’t want to be a “single parent” for a short while, while she gets her PhD AND you’re projecting your childhood issues and making it her fault….
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NTA. She sucks. I’m pissed for your kids especially! Get involved in a church or a dad’s group. Get regular time outdoors.
Sounds like she found a side piece over there, Ireland doesn’t really have that many esteemed positions for archeology.
She foe the streets OP try and grt full custody a d raise thr kids proper
NTA your wife is a horrible mother
Your wife is 💯selfish. You need to file for divorce and go for 100% custody and child support. I would make it so she cannot take my children out of the country unless she has my permission. Your children have friends and probably activities, are they suppose to leave for summers and spend it in another country with their mom while she is working or going to school? Also, you all need to start family counseling ASAP. I’m not sure your wife will want to attend, but definitely you and the kids should start. TBH…… your wife sounds so selfish that she would probably give you full custody if you ask. It seems like her dreams are more important than her family.
Your wife is delusional thinking she’ll able to easily get a job in a country where demand for archaeologists isn’t exactly sky-high after her programme and be able to easily find housing unless she’s rich af.
NTA, she’s a deadbeat mom and a delusional one at that.
Are you not able to move to ireland? Did you visit her when she was there?
NTA. Sounds like she has already given up being a parent and is looking to establish a new life in Ireland.
Best case would be for you to initiate divorce and file for child support. She can get out of parenting but not monetary responsibilities. As a PHD student she won’t get much of a stipend, filing for child support will atleast make her come out of delusions that she has where she can pack up and leave her family behind.
Why can all of you move to Ireland?
NTA she is abandoning you and her children for her career. When you have kids, you are responsible for them. She has failed.
No mother would put their career before their kids. NTA.
UpdateMe
NTA
Your wife needs to be divorced and you need to insure that you have full custody. If she wants to see them, fine, but none of this moving them to Ireland every summer. She will have to come to where you live and stay in a hotel and see them that way.
NTA. She’s being selfish. She should prioritize the family she started instead of her career and dreams. She needs to find work where her family is and not in some other country. You should honestly just seek full custody and push her away from her kids. Drive the message home that it’s either her family or nothing. Make sure she also pays child support!!!
Might as well start looking for a new woman cuz honestly, she might have someone in Ireland.
NTA – if you abandon your spouse and kids to move to another country to follow your dream, then you’re just being selfish. Family is bigger than chasing self across the world. You offered great compromises. You did ask you can. Sorry bro
INFO why didn’t you all move with her?
Midlyfe crisis delusion. Needs therapy before the reality check comes. Sorry
Divorce and have her take the other person’s responsibility to Ireland with here. Never adopt another person’s baggage bc the marriage may not last. Now you get to foot the bill for the ex’s previous bad choice and your own blessing.
Dunno…. also an archaeologist Quit and changed careers but always felt that if I took an extra chance, I’d have gone a lot further and would not have had to change fields.
If she can make it work, your 14-yr old will learn to deal with it.
Having kids is not a prison sentence. Parents can still learn and become better and become a better examples for their kids.
My dad stopped his entire life to raise me, but when I grew up I realized that he was a complete failure because he failed to become anything more than what he was at 24. I wish he had done more with himself. I would have be frustrated, but I would have respected him had he done more with his life.
I think you’re the asshole because you seem to want to give up. Your children will not respect that when they grow up. Be a better person. Be an inspiration.
NTA, but neither is the wife. If this was a post about a man doing this, he would get shit on as well. She isn’t a deadbeat. She isn’t abandoning the family.
You are valid in your feelings. Also, you do seem to be projecting, though, especially since you felt abandoned again and then withdrew I to yourself.
This is above these idiots pay grade. You need indvidual therapy, couples counseling, and family therapy. All of it ASAP!