My boyfriend and I are both in university currently studying in the same major. He’s always known it’s a big thing for me to finish my degree and do something with it. I am a top student in my year he knows how much it matters to me. Today he said while smiling you won’t work unless you work with me, I got very upset and mad I asked him are you joking he kept saying he is not. I was in disbelief. I don’t mind working with him but let’s say it doesn’t work for us; we can’t find a job at the same place or it causes issues in our relationship. I asked him so I stay at home if we can’t work together? He replied wirh yes. He then later said he takes it back and that I could work in a separate job but said it would make him unhappy in our relationship. His reasoning is if we work at the same place we will get to spend time together but if we don’t we’ll just come home tired and not spend anytime together. I told him working at a job isn’t us spending time together. He still insists he’ll be unhappy in our relationship if I work at a different job. It’s really breaking my heart how he could say something like that and feel that way I changed many things for him that were very important to me but he can’t change his perspective on this. I can’t be in a relationship where he is unhappy. He knows how hard it is to get a job at the same place let alone at the same shift but refuses to be happy with anything else other than me staying home.
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My boyfriend and I are both in university currently studying in the same major. He’s always known it’s a big thing for me to finish my degree and do something with it. I am a top student in my year he knows how much it matters to me. Today he said while smiling you won’t work unless you work with me, I got very upset and mad I asked him are you joking he kept saying he is not. I was in disbelief. I don’t mind working with him but let’s say it doesn’t work for us; we can’t find a job at the same place or it causes issues in our relationship. I asked him so I stay at home if we can’t work together? He replied wirh yes. He then later said he takes it back and that I could work in a separate job but said it would make him unhappy in our relationship. His reasoning is if we work at the same place we will get to spend time together but if we don’t we’ll just come home tired and not spend anytime together. I told him working at a job isn’t us spending time together. He still insists he’ll be unhappy in our relationship if I work at a different job. It’s really breaking my heart how he could say something like that and feel that way I changed many things for him that were very important to me but he can’t change his perspective on this. I can’t be in a relationship where he is unhappy. He knows how hard it is to get a job at the same place let alone at the same shift but refuses to be happy with anything else other than me staying home.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Do what you need to do to be happy.
That seems like somewhat controlling behavior. Obviously I don’t know you or your partner, but that could be seen as a red flag. NTA.
NTA. Get out of that relationship. That demand is weird and this man will try to further control you the more you let him.
NTA. but, if you’re serious about each other, maybe look into couples therapy
NTA. You’ve got to look out for yourself first and if your values don’t align with your bf, then they don’t align.
I personally would not want to work with a romantic partner. That just leaves too many opportunities for things to go wrong and can shift the power dynamic in a relationship unfairly towards one partner.
He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide these things. And he doesn’t get to threaten you with his unhappiness if you don’t do what he says.
He’s insecure and he doesn’t respect you. If he’s really worried about you both being tired at the end of the work day, he can be the one to give up his career to stay at home and wait on you when you get off work. But that’s not really what it’s about is it? This guy sucks. NTA
NTA. He’s controlling. Big red flag. Leave. Find someone better.
NTA – that gives me the creeps. It’s very manipulative and I hope you won’t allow your ambitions to be sidetracked to keep this guy from being ‘unhappy’ about not being able to watch you 24/7.
“I’m surprised to hear that your happiness with me is contingent on a really improbable employment arrangement. I feel like these requirements came out of nowhere and that they set us up for failure.
I’m going to have to really reflect on whether this is the relationship for me, if you really think we can’t find ways to connect and make time for each other outside of work, like most other couples can.”
NTA. This is unreasonable and suffocating.
🚩🚩🚩 So he wants you to work the same job to “spend time together” and if you can’t or won’t do that then you… stay home and therefore not spend time together? The time you’re not spending with him at work you could be spending working at another job if that’s your preference to do so. His argument makes no logical sense and so it’s a lot more likely this is about control than it is about “spending time together”. Also NTA
His comment about coming home and being tired together has me wondering- how exactly is being at work together considered spending time with each other?
Is his desire to goof around and hang out instead of working?
This has so many flags, people who want to be together make their home life full of fun and love so you don’t have to think about work and can concentrate on building something together outside of that.
It’s healthy.
He isn’t.
NTA
NTA. Sounds controlling and self-centered. So he apparently comes home tired from work thinking that because you just stay home you’ll have plenty of energy to make up for the both of you. Basically you’ll be responsible for putting all of the work into the relationship.
Now I doubt he’s actually thought it through to that extent, but I advise you to do so. And if he has, red flag. If he wants an uncomplaining tradwife he needs to own it, and you should probably cut your losses. If he can talk it out and see how he is coming across, and be appropriately shocked at himself, there may be hope.
Trust me. Once you are married this man will “put his foot down” and dictate your life to you. Good friends you’ve known for years? Can’t see them unless he is there. Have kids…Stay at home mom because thats a woman’s job.
NTA. I think you made a reasonable decision. It’s a problem that he didn’t come to you to have a discussion – he told you how it was going to be. He then played the guilt card, saying that you working somewhere else would make him unhappy – trying to make it your fault if he isn’t happy, emotionally blackmailing you into doing what he wants you to do.
Also note – he showed no care about what you want to be happy – just what makes him happy. You deserve someone who will think about what makes you happy.
I’m trying to imagine a field of study where it would be optimal to work together… and I’m coming up blank.
This is a weird ask.
NTA Why are you changing important things about yourself for this man? That is not how a relationship is supposed to work. Sounds controlling to me, and it will only get worse, not better.
He’s quite immature. That’s not the way the world works- or workplaces – work.
He wants to control you and keep an eye on you. The reason behind “spending time with you”. Probably thinks you might find someone better at work because he has a fragile ego. 🚩
That is creepy and controlling. Run, girl, you in danger
Working together with my partner in a children’s group home. It takes some rules for it to work, but it’s possible. It wasn’t easy at the beginning but over time we got used to it.
LEAVE
NTA
NTA he’s told you who he is. You’re informed now so make the decision that’s right for your life
NTA. Depending on where you are and what field you are in, jobs came be hard to come by. You have your life ahead of you; time to ask yourself what the longevity of this relationship is, especially as you both start looking at life beyond university.
Also, I wonder how he would react if an employer you both apply to only offers you the job?
NTA. This is really controlling. Realistically, if you work at the same place, it’s unlikely that they would let you work together so his comments are foolish. People at my work that are dating aren’t allowed to approve stuff their partners have been involved in and they definitely wouldn’t be allowed to be on the same team
NTA of course. I don’t think this is about you spending time together at all— I think it comes across as he has trust issues and is trying to control you.
What he wants is weird. Sounds like another way to control you and the relationship. Is he always this needy?
I think you getting out is the best thing for you cause he will more than likely get more controlling. Can’t imagine what he would do if he had to share you with kids.
You’re NTA but it’s surprising to me that someone so intelligent didn’t know for three years that you were dating a total control freak.
NTA
As Maya Angelou said:
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Tell him he either gets a job where you choose to work or he isnt allowed to work, and see what he says lol
Run.
You would be an asshole to yourself if you stayed with an awful man like this.
NTA
NTA and… ew. He sounds exhausting and boring on top of being controlling.
Don’t let this dude
derail you from achieving your ambitions and goals.
He’s insecure and trying to keep an eye on ( control) you. NTA you have your own path.
You’ve worked hard for your goals and your future. If he can’t support that without conditions, you’re absolutely right to walk away. You’re not wrong for choosing growth.
NTA
Also, so many red flags, not just the work issue. You changed a lot of things about yourself so he would be happier? Unless those “things” were heavy addictions, big, big red flag. Don’t change yourself for anyone! Change him for someone who will like just the way you are. And support your decisions.
NTA. Time to move on.
NTA, and you definitely dodged a bullet. He wants you to work at the same job so he can keep an eye on you. He won’t be happy because he is insecure and thinks either that you would fall for another person, or be happy when you aren’t around him. His insistance that you only work with him is his not-so-subtle way of trying to control you.
This what dating is for, to find out what a person is like when you REALLY get to know them. Now you know who he really is, not the guy who charmed you. Dump him now, he’s nuts and will ruin your life.
NTA. Run. Sounds like he’s jealous and possessive, he wants you where he can see you. This will only continue and he will carry on trying to dull your shine.
No man should dictate to you what you can and can’t do, or where you can and can’t work.
You mentioned you’ve changed other things for him in the past but don’t specify what exactly – sounds like this isn’t new but a pattern of controlling behaviour.
i’m sorry but he seems very controlling and thinks very little of you to assume you’d be okay with not working just to make him happy. especially when you’re going to university. it would be all for nothing if you couldn’t find a job with him. nta
I would have another conversation with him and let him see how serious you are that this is a deal breaker..sorry but everyone on here saying to leave him are living in a bubble world..like other than that, is your relationship good and are you happy? Long term committed relationships take hard work and communication-you will go thru much harder ordeals whether created by yourself, him, or at the fault of no one and u will have differing opinions a lot as u both grow thru different phases in life.
Most places wouldn’t even want to hire couples, because of drama or the fear that they might use work time to socialize with their partner- you know, the exact thing that your partner is suggesting.
This career-jeopardizing move and the need to be around you 100% of the time is a red flag for control. If he can’t monitor you, he’d rather have you at home where you have no one and nothing to do.
You’d be happier with a partner that sees you as a person. NTA
Who does he thinks he is? Telling you how to live your life according to his beliefs. You do realize he’s a very controlling person. If you allow him to control you about this imagine what is coming down the pike for you. It will be absolute control on how you live your life for him and him alone. A healthy relationship doesn’t demand your 24-7 in his presence. Think very seriously about continuing a relationship with him.
You being home and him working is also not spending time together. He just wants control.
This is the biggest red flag
This is about control.
NTA, also consider leaving this person before it’s too late , for your own happiness.
NTA. Nobody should seek to control another person like that – isn’t not healthy. The amount of time you’ve been together should not weigh in on whether or not you decide to end this relationship.
Controlling pig- leave him.
This is just ridiculous.
NTA, if he’s this controlling while you’re a student in school, he’s only going to get worse as time goes on. Do yourself a favor and get out now.