I currently do 99% of daycare drop offs and pick ups for my daughter. I work 4 days a week and she is in daycare for those days. My husband works 3 days a week. Based on location and starting times it makes sense I do the drop offs and pick ups.
Occasionally (once every 6-8 weeks max, and maybe two-three times in total so far) I have asked my husband to drop off our daughter or do some childcare that has an impact on his work schedule. This instance means he would get to work an hour late. He regularly works after his hours, which he has told me no one in his team does. At lease once a week.
Today I asked him if he could do this in a months’ time (7 May). He point blank refused and threatened to email my boss to telling I’m how unreasonable it is that I am expected to do this. For one, it’s part of my contract, and it’s also not very frequent, whereas he works late at least one day a week.
I am feeling incredibly frustrated right now, but want to check if this is a reasonable request or if I am asking too much.
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I currently do 99% of daycare drop offs and pick ups for my daughter. I work 4 days a week and she is in daycare for those days. My husband works 3 days a week. Based on location and starting times it makes sense I do the drop offs and pick ups.
Occasionally (once every 6-8 weeks max, and maybe two-three times in total so far) I have asked my husband to drop off our daughter or do some childcare that has an impact on his work schedule. This instance means he would get to work an hour late. He regularly works after his hours, which he has told me no one in his team does. At lease once a week.
Today I asked him if he could do this in a months’ time (7 May). He point blank refused and threatened to email my boss to telling I’m how unreasonable it is that I am expected to do this. For one, it’s part of my contract, and it’s also not very frequent, whereas he works late at least one day a week.
I am feeling incredibly frustrated right now, but want to check if this is a reasonable request or if I am asking too much.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The fact that I asked him to do that for me in the first place.
I dont know why I would be an asshole for that to be honest
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think you are asking too much but NAH. He may be worried that being late will reflect badly on him at work. Different workplace so odds are it has a different culture than yours.
NTA for calling your husband out for being a deadbeat dad. why is it that the woman is expected to put her career aspirations on hold for his? They both made and had the child. Asking a parent once every two or three months to do some parental duties is not only reasonable, I think it’s highly unreasonable that your husband threatened to contact your boss.
You know, when people ask me why I never got married or had children, I just want to show them posts like this and point out that I have never once had to bargain with my “loved one” and life “partner” to do a simple, one-time thing for our child a month down the road, which thing I do every single day BTW, and have him blackmail me by threatening to call my office in return. Like, I get into arguments with my dog occasionally, but never like this.
NTA and I’m so sad you had to ask.
He’s threatened to call your boss? Is he always this overbearing?
NTA – you have given him plenty of heads-up, he also has plenty of time to let work know that he’ll need that hour. You don’t ask this very often. His response seems pretty knee-jerk and defensive. It is not normal for a spouse to just flip out over a reasonable request to deal with a small logistical conflict. I would probe further to see if there is something else going on.
NTA – And the unmitigated gall & arrogance of declaring he’s going to call YOUR boss over how unreasonable this is? He works less than you! Throw him out with the wash, he’s not your child to rear.
My husband literally went out this morning to feed a bottle lamb for me when I had to be into work early otherwise I would have had to get up 1/2 an hour early. He did this to simply save me 30 minutes sleep.
Your husband is an ass.
NTA.
Lot of missing information here. He only works three days a week so it seems especially reasonable that he wants to be on time those days, and not late by an hour every month or two. He may not really have the flexibility you seem to think he does.
Why does he jump to emailing your boss? That seems really weird from the outside looking in. Is this your husband being controlling, or something else? Does he know your boss? Is your long day more flexible or less required than you are telling us?
I would say you’re not TA solely because he seemed too quick to say no without considering the options and working together to find a solution; but it also seemed like you approached the conversation by demanding him to be late like it’s nbd.
Without more to go on, NAH.
Parenting is a team effort. Hell, I’d think that a month in advance he could request a vacation day in order to help you. He seems to prioritize his career and job over yours and that isn’t ok. Also if he only works 3 days a week and you work 4 he should be taking her to day care on that 4 th day that he is off just to give you a break.
NTA. Your husband need to find flexibility too and take part in supporting your career and his child!!
NTA
You’re basically a single mom.
NTA-our daughter needed lots of mental health support when she was young. I was always the one taking time off work and running from here to there. I just never asked for help. Finally I put my foot down and insisted we balance things out.
NTA.
Your husband is weird. He works on a team 3 days a week, I’m assuming it’s an office job of some work.
It would be different if he worked a high risk job or he was a brain surgeon .. okay he can’t be late 1 day , 1 hour hour 1 month from now…
But come on , he’s being unreasonable. He can let his boss know he will be late, and he can stay late to make up the time.
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It depends on jobs.
The other day my daughter was throwing up over night. Usually, if one of my kids are sick, my husband still needs to walk them both to school, and walk the other one back home, no matter what the weather is. But, in this case, I said I’d try to take my son. Email daycare asking them to take him early, email my principal saying I needed to be a little late, and get an email with “see me”. I was 4 minutes late.
Some jobs really don’t have the flexibility. My husband can easily waltz in an hour late and just work through lunch or stay a little later or bring some work home with him, and it is fine.
My ex-husband is more accommodating than your husband. NTA.
NTA. Your husband is a misogynist. If he contacts your boss, get a divorce.
He threatened to email your boss??? NTA based on that alone.
I was wavering until the point where he started making threats to interfere with your professional life over just an hour of his time.
NTA and he needs to figure out whether his priority is his routine or his family and sort himself out accordingly because he can’t keep expecting you to answer to his boss’s demands for his working hours while he threatens to undermine you with yours.
His poor attempt to stand up to you (when you’re being very reasonable) does not make up for his overall spinelessness in not stepping up to care for his child when needed.
NTA. If only to yourself for putting up with this asshole. Why do some women keep marrying and having kids with such insufferable assholes? Isn’t his kid? That he participated in conceiving? That he should share the responsibility & care for? Ffs, sounds like you are already a single parent.
I sincerely thought you were asking about the daycare providing flexibility and I wasn’t leaning in your direction. Having read the question you are clearly NTA, though!
Your husband is threatening to jeopardize your job because he doesn’t want to do this. Whether that’s jealousy or power tripping, it’s a terrible thing to say he’ll do. What if you said you were going to email HIS boss because of how HIS job is impacting the household?
If he can/will not, that day, since you are unavailable, it should fall your him to provide a reasonable, safe, and reliable alternative. One day every 6-8 weeks, pre-warned, no less, FOR HIS CHILD, is a ridiculous hill to die on.
Perhaps you should ask your husband how he would like to be the sole supporter of your household so you can quit your job and devote all your time to being your daughter’s only parent.
Does your husband do anything with or for your daughter voluntarily, or is the overwhelming majority of child care up to you? You would likely better off a single parent officially, since it appears that is what you are anyway.
NTA, but your husband certainly is an A H.