My partner and I have an elderly dog. He’s 16 and struggles to hold his bladder. Every morning, between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m., he wakes me up to go outside. My partner works late nights, so it’s become our routine that I’m the one who gets up early with our two kids and therefor the one to get up for the dog every morning.
This morning, around 7 a.m., the dog started whining to go out. Our 6-year-old had climbed into bed and was sleeping on top of me. It’s Saturday, I had nowhere to be, and for once, my partner had an earlier shift (9 a.m.) after working until midnight the night before. Since I was pinned under our child, I decided to wake him and ask if he could take the dog out this time.
He snapped at me to stop touching him, but begrudgingly got out of bed when I said our dog’s name and he heard the whining. When he came back into the room, I said “thank you,” and that somehow set him off. He said I was being selfish, and asked how I could think it was okay to wake him 45 minutes before his alarm. He said he didn’t sleep well and that I should know that, since I sleep next to him. He kept repeating that I was selfish.
I told him he was acting like a dick and needed to take a deep breath. I get up every single morning, and today—knowing he had an earlier shift—I asked for help, not knowing he hadn’t slept well. He said I needed to apologize for being selfish. I told him no, I already thanked him for doing it as soon as he got back. I don’t owe an apology.
He ended it by saying, “Anyone you tell this story to will be on my side.”
So here I am, asking the masses: Was I selfish for asking my partner to get up and let out our dog this morning?
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My partner and I have an elderly dog. He’s 16 and struggles to hold his bladder. Every morning, between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m., he wakes me up to go outside. My partner works late nights, so it’s become our routine that I’m the one who gets up early with our two kids and therefor the one to get up for the dog every morning.
This morning, around 7 a.m., the dog started whining to go out. Our 6-year-old had climbed into bed and was sleeping on top of me. It’s Saturday, I had nowhere to be, and for once, my partner had an earlier shift (9 a.m.) after working until midnight the night before. Since I was pinned under our child, I decided to wake him and ask if he could take the dog out this time.
He snapped at me to stop touching him, but begrudgingly got out of bed when I said our dog’s name and he heard the whining. When he came back into the room, I said “thank you,” and that somehow set him off. He said I was being selfish, and asked how I could think it was okay to wake him 45 minutes before his alarm. He said he didn’t sleep well and that I should know that, since I sleep next to him. He kept repeating that I was selfish.
I told him he was acting like a dick and needed to take a deep breath. I get up every single morning, and today—knowing he had an earlier shift—I asked for help, not knowing he hadn’t slept well. He said I needed to apologize for being selfish. I told him no, I already thanked him for doing it as soon as he got back. I don’t owe an apology.
He ended it by saying, “Anyone you tell this story to will be on my side.”
So here I am, asking the masses: Was I selfish for asking my partner to get up and let out our dog this morning?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I woke my husband to let out our dog at 7 am
2. I should have been more considerate of the fact that he worked last night and worked earlier this morning and could use the sleep more than me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You have a husband problem. Sometimes kids and pets mean you’re up before your alarm, that’s just life.
NTA. You had a sleeping child on you – they get heavy, and can be very hard to move! I bet if you’d moved your kid and they’d woken up, and woken your partner, he’d be missed at you for that.
Tell him to stop being such a selfish jerk – both of you own the dog.
This is not something new.
You weren’t “pinned under your child.” You were already awake.
“It’s Saturday, I had no place to be.”
So you since you were already awake, you have easily rolled the kid over and gotten up to let the dog out.
So he worked till midnight, drove home, settled for bed, then had to get up, get ready, and be back for 9am?
You’re not an a**hole, but you should have let him sleep. Slipping a child off you is easy and quick. That’s a pretty quick turnaround for work. Not an a-hole but he’s right (not saying he’s right being a dick either)
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Waking somebody 45 minutes before their alarm is kind of an asshole thing to do
Kid + a pet means you’re getting up earlier than the alarm sometimes.
INFO: OP, you say your hubby stopped work at midnight.
How long does it take for him to get home? Does he eat, relax and wind down after a shift?
Because 7 hours to get home, wind down after work and maybe eat something doesn’t really leave a night’s worth of sleep
Any little disagreement upon waking is easily magnified.
But I do wonder OP if you’d have been happy if the roles were reversed.
Omg NTA he can help once in a while
YTA. You could have moved the child easily. I’d be pissed at you too.
ESH. You would have been in the clear, but then you called him a dick. He was being a dick, but you still shouldn’t have said it, especially in front of a six-year-old.
On that point…why didn’t you tell the kid to take the dog out? There might be a good reason, but where I live, with our animals, that would have been my go-to solution
YTAH he worked til midnight needed to be back at work at 9 am and you’re laying in bed awake with nothing to do and refuse to move because you rather be a mattress for a kid. Yeah if it was me I wouldn’t be as nice to you as your husband was.
YTA. You were already AWAKE. Move the child (just roll them off) and let the dog out. Don’t wake the sleeping spouse that worked till midnight and had to be back to work at 9 AM. WTH?
NTA. I’m married to a sleep monster. If he gets woken up before he’s ready, he’s the worst.
But. he’s wrong, he’s the AH. Just because you sleep next to someone doesn’t mean you know if they got a good nights sleep. You were sleeping!
So this guy had nine hours between shifts to drive home, decompress, get into sleep mode, sleep, wake up, and get back to work…. And you decided to cut the sleep portion of that short?
I really don’t like the way he spoke to you to “stop touching”, and I feel bad that you never get to sleep late, but sleep is so important. I think you two need to communicate better but yeah you’re definitely an asshole.
ESH.
YTA- He had a very short amount of time to sleep before going back to work. You said you had nowhere to be and only had a sleeping child on you. You can easily move that kid and take the dog out. Be for real and say you didn’t feel like getting out of bed and woke him up to do. He shouldn’t have been as rude as he was but it’s understandable why he was mad.
Why people wrap their lives around a decrepit old animal is odd to me. No matter how this argument ends, the dog will be dead within a year or two after much suffering, costs and grief. You are both selfish for letting an animal disrupt your family home out of some distorted vision of being kind.
YTA…..you were already awake…
ESH. he shouldn’t have snapped at you or argued in front of you the kid, but you had nothing to do. common courtesy says whoever is less busy and more awake takes care of chores like that. you were both, you should have taken the dog.
ESH honestly. But your husband more so than you
Honestly he sounds like he is overreacting. I understand that being woken up is not nice, but you had your reasons for not being able to get up, and do it.
I love all the ‘just move the kid!’ responses.
We also had a dog that needed to go out every morning (as dogs do), and doing so took me out of the bed. Just leaving the bed woke up the kids(s) in it, regardless of whether I had to move them, and this often really fucked up my morning as said kids slept horribly at night and I really needed that extra hour.
Not sure what your kid situation is, but I know that my partner refusing to take out the dog is one of the many things that led to incredible resentment in our marriage.
INFO: does the partner help out when they are home?
Waking up before you want to is what happens when you have humans and animals that depend on you though.
YTA. And you proved it when you said “I had nowhere to be.” Your partner did, in a little while, and had been somewhere before. Getting home at midnight and needing to be back at work is such a short turnaround. The earlier shift wasn’t a good thing, and you made it worse.
Also, if you called him a dick & refused to apologize while your were still ‘pinned’ under a 6 year old… and the kid could’ve heard that sort of toxic stuff, YTA again.
Keep the dog in the yard overnight
YTA. You were already awake and it sounds like he needs the sleep. Just move the kid, they’ll either fall back asleep or be up for the day, and you’re already awake for it
Is it possible that there’s more to this than what happened in that few minutes? Are you possibly resentful of always being the one getting up? Is he possibly resentful of to keep off hours (and missing out on normal life things, like eating dinner together)? I suspect that the two of you actually need to talk about your roles, needs, and expectations.
Taking everything at face value, YTA. But if what I suspect is true, assigning blame isn’t actually to be helpful.
YTA
You decided it was fair to break routine because your husband had a different shift. A different shift that was causing him to have less than a 10hr turnaround, meaning he was already going to get little to no sleep and I imagine again the next day when he has to switch back to his regular schedule.
I imagine a job like that isn’t an easy one. I don’t know a lot of cushy desk jobs that flip hours like that. I could be biased having worked a factory job that changed my hours like this all the time but I imagine he’s going to have to be on his feet all day after he tried and sounds like failed to sleep outside his normal hours. You might have woken him up just shortly after he had finally fallen asleep and the 45min before his alarm is not enough time for him to get back there again.
You even got to sleep in by your routine since this was a 7am whining and not 5:30-6:30 that you stated was usual. Sounds like this would be normal wake-up time for 6-year-old as well from your post. Not that I would want my kids to be up that early on a Saturday, just saying even if 6-yr-old woke up when moved, it wouldn’t be that unusual. As some other commenters pointed out, all the getting out of bed might have still roused husband but at least then it would have been an accident. If he was pissed at you in that instance, he would be the AH.
YTA the man had less than 7 hours of sleep. You had nowhere to be later and he has to go to work at 9am.
You lay the kid in the bed or better yet put the kid in their own bed and deal with the dog.
Never been a fan of kids in parental beds I always went and laid with the kids in theirs.
ESH. You were already awake and could have moved your son off you. I would have been pissed at you at well but I wouldn’t have spoken to you like that. His shift ended at midnight and have to be back by 9, which doesn’t leave much time to decompress after getting home and going to bed.
I get it. Sounds like you’re routinely waking up early to be responsible for the dog since your day naturally starts earlier, and there may be some resentment about the fact this chore has been 100% on you. THAT is a totally different conversation that needs to be had as mature adults. In this instance YTA. This wasn’t the time to ask for help.
I’m also the person in my family that is up to get the family moving 95% of the time. And I do periodically get frustrated, but I handle that by talking like a mature adult with my partner
ESH you should not have woken him up 45 min before his alarm after he worked all night and had to go back to work at 9am. But he didn’t need to speak to you that way about it.
You’re slightly more TA though.
If I’m understanding the way you worded this, your husband worked a 9AM until MIDNIGHT, so 15 hours, and you woke him up 45 minutes early because you were awake but your kid was on top of you and you didn’t want to roll them off you? Or, he worked until midnight and he had to be at work at 9am the following day and instead of letting him sleep til he wanted you woke him up early to take the dog out because, although you were awake, you didn’t want to roll your kid off of you to take the dog out? Do YOU work? Or are you a sahm? Getting off at midnight and having to be back the next day at 9am sucks. In either scenario, you are indeed the AH.
YTA: you clearly don’t know what it’s like to work shifts, let alone mixed shifts. You woke him up after he had insufficient sleep from doing a late and on to an early. You are selfish.
Also, why on earth do people take on more than they can handle? You have children and a dog and it’s clearly too much for you.
As someone who has permanently disordered sleep from shift work YTA
YTA. Sorry but you messed up. I get the thinking that “for once he had an early shift” and could help in the morning… Except that he worked until MIDNIGHT before. He has just 9 hours between shifts. You and your kid had a full night of sleep with nothing to do today. You should’ve dealt with the dog.
The part of this story that makes you the AH is waking him when he finished at midnight and had to be at work by 9am. That’s not cool to wake him.
You’re already awake, let him sleep, as others have pointed out the timelines even if he slept well that’s not a lot of sleep.
You seem mad about the routine and you never get to sleep in. And have taken that out on your hubby with no empathy for how tired he must be or the impact his work hours might have on him. It’s 7am when the dog starts up when it’s usually 5.30-6.30 so you have had a sleep in anyways. You should rolled the kid off yourself, let the dog out and then snuggled back into bed with your kid and hubby.
YTA. He worked until 12, has to be to work again at 9 and you’re waking him up at 7 for something you could easily do yourself. Yes, it would have required potentially waking up your six year old, but so what, you’ve got nothing else to do all day. Let him have his extra few minutes of sleep.
I think you were being selfish, in the sense that your comfort and convenience meant more to you in the moment than his. And I suspect this argument is not actually about this 45 minutes.
YTA. He got off at midnight and has to work at 9am. That’s a rough switch. You didn’t have to wake him up. You just didn’t want to get up. I’d be pissed too.
YTA
YOU WERE ALREADY AWAKE. Major YTA.
YTA. You woke him up early because you’re lazy
NTA, sometimes we don’t get to sleep. I’ve gone 16 days without more than 4 hours of sleep. Our son hemorrhaged and needed emergency surgery and a blood transfusion. My husband has taken over literally everything else so I can do nighttime duty with our son. It’s out of routine. It’s not the normal. We both still have work. But we do it because we are parents and we have responsibilities to each other and our children.
Your husband needs to grow up.
Exceptionally inconsiderate on your part. You were awake. You didn’t have work to go to. Move the kid and do it yourself. Your dog needs the toilet more than you need to be a mattress.
Im gonna go with YTA but tbh E S H. Dude hardly had any time to sleep while you admitted you had nothing going on for the day. Is he the main breadwinner? Do you work?
Regardless, he shouldnt talk to you that way.
ESH. He shouldn’t have snapped, and you definitely world not know he had not slept well. But, you were already awake, and could have moved your child off you without waking them hopefully.
Yes, you’re clearly the asshole. I cannot wrap my head around all the comments saying otherwise. He’s a dick because he, rightfully mind you, called you selfish?!
He worked until midnight and had to be back at again nine hours later. You keep repeating that he had an early shift like it makes it better when really it makes it worse. Being generous he he probably didn’t get to bed before 1am, which only takes into account his way home and going directly to bed.
So either, he had zero wind down time between two probably exhausting shifts OR he did have a little bit of wind down town but even less sleep. So either, you being awake, woke him up after just 6 hours of sleep – and bad sleep two – between two shifts of work OR you woke him up after even less hours of sleep between two shifts of work. While you’re presumably off work that day, yes?
And for what?! It’s not like yall are actually walking the dog it seems, you just have to let him out. That’s literally no work at all and you make it seem like you’re a martyr for opening a door every morning.
My boyfriend and I have two dogs. He WALKS both of them every single morning before work. Every morning without fail. The only time he doesn’t is when he’s a bit tight for time and even in those situations he asks me at least a day in advance. He knows I sleep like absolut shit and need that wake-up time in the morning, whereas I take over household chores that he doesn’t like but I’m fine doing. That’s how relationships work.
You showed 0 compassion in the situation and once again 0 compassion in your retelling of it. You WERE selfish and YTA as well.
This isn’t about waking him or walking the dog. It’s about how he responded and treated you. I would suggest talking to him more about it and about household responsibilities being shared but I think we all know how that will go.
Fwiw it just isn’t selfish, which means lacking consideration for others. You were considering the child and the dog in this scenario and trying to tend to everyone. You were aware he had an earlier shift (and would not have asked if he didn’t) which shows you also considered him. He is reacting to a perceived lack of consideration but what he really means is you did not think only about him (as in his complaint you didn’t think about- but should have known- that he didn’t sleep well. How would you know that if you were also asleep?). Just in terms of what words mean, he was literally being selfish (thinking only of himself) while you were trying to find a way to attend to everyone.
And really, in a house with kids and pets who doesn’t already get woken up before their alarm lol.
AH is a strong word, but yes, he is right. He needed the sleep and his alarm was set to go off in 45 minutes. You wake him, it not like he can go back to bed to get any real sleep.
You were awake, you simple should have gotten up and done it.
You couldn’t get up because your child was on you? Slide the kid to the side and walk your poor dog. Your husband worked until midnight. How long does it take him to come home and get ready for bed? Seriously, come on.
NTA. That’s part of life when you have a family. He can help once in a while.
Did he ever get up when your kids were babies or did you do everything?
Sounds like he thinks the world revolves around him and you are his hired help.
One morning isn’t going to kill him.
I know everyone is saying yta but I disagree. You get up everyday wth the kids and dog. Take care of the family and probably don’t get a full 8 hours of sleep every night. But that’s ok and acceptable because you’re the mom. But one time a man’s sleep is cut by 45 min and you’re the ah. As a parent, pet owner and spouse sometimes we don’t get the luxury of a full night sleep. And the kid was on top of you. If the kid wakes up nobody is getting any rest. I’d want to keep the kid sleeping as long as possible too.
NTA asking for help is ok. If he slept poorly and couldn’t help then he could’ve and should’ve expressed that instead of what he did. The expectation to know he had bad sleep is ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous to say you can’t ask him for some help. The kid and dog are his responsibility too.
YTA he’s clearly doing a job with shifting start times. Finishing at 12 he would have needed to be in bed as soon as he finished to get 7 hours sleep before you decided to wake him. Selfish.
NTA – everyone needs a break from routine and he could help you. And I know the I got a child on me scenario.
YTA. He shouldn’t have spoken to you the way that he did, but I too would have been livid if I were in his position. He can’t expect you to know his quality of sleep, but it’s not hard to figure out that he didn’t get enough sleep. He got off work, came home, and had very little time to sleep and get ready for another shift. Why would you wake him when that rest needs to sustain him for the entire day? Move your kid and take out the dog.
Nah you’re in the wrong. He was being a dick too but responses to your dickness don’t really count when deciding whether you were also a dick or not.
You should have rolled your SIX YEAR OLD off of you. They’re 6. They’ll either stay asleep or come with you, it’s 7am they can be awake. It’s not like they’re an infant. They’re old enough to be making food for themselves and helping with chores, they can deal with being moved a little so dad can try to get a full night’s sleep during his changed schedule.
You just wanted to cuddle your kid and didn’t think about the consequence of acting on that. You could have come back to cuddle them, now both you and your partner are pissed off and have started the morning wrong because you couldn’t put aside what you want for what your partner needs.
ESH –
I used to work off shifts. Having a shift end late and then having to get up way earlier than normal the next day sucks. One summer I had an internship that involves animal care – sometimes I’d leave past midnight, have an hour drive home, then have to be back at 6:30. Knowing you have to get up early makes it harder to sleep. Sleep is so important and having those odd shifts really disrupts your sleep cycle.
If he didn’t have that going on, then yeah I’d say you were in your right to ask because you also deserve some relaxing time.
His reaction wasn’t okay though (and neither was you calling him a dick). Tbf I’d probably have the same reaction as both of you, I’m extra grumpy when I’m tired and far from perfect.
Wait so he was at work until midnight, so realistically the very earliest he would get to sleep is 1am. And he has to be back at work for 9am. Sleep is precious when you don’t get much of it. The dog is your responsibility too, you have an agreement on how to take care of it. Don’t make excuses not to do your share, at the dogs age you’ll probably not have to do it too much longer anyway and you can have all the lie ins you want. Under the circumstances YTA
Absolutely YTA in this instance. Your husband has NINE hours in between shifts and you cut his precious little sleep time to let the dog out.
You should’ve gotten up. Shift work is brutal and totally messes with your sleep.
Having 9 hours in between shifts is awful. He needed every second of sleep he could get.
NTA. you both do your part and its okay to help each other out regardless of who is tired or not. you’re a team.
he’s lucky he has a partner to help raise the kids while he is away and you are lucky to have a partner to help pay the bills.
NTA
No, you did the right thing. Why shouldn’t you be able to ask for help once in a blue moon?
It’s also impossible for you to know if he slept well or not. Stand your ground.
Everyone else except YOU is the asshole in this post. You go through this routine every single day, and no one thinks you deserve a break? He’s a parent—there are plenty of parents who don’t get enough sleep and still take care of their children before and after work. OP, get a better husband. He doesn’t sound like a hands-on father at all. Going to work, coming home, doing nothing to help, and then complaining when he does? That’s a huge red flag.
Husband worked until midnight, has to work at 9am the next morning (yikes!) and you woke him up at 7 knowing he wouldn’t get a decent night sleep? You also admit you had nowhere to be and try to use your kid sleeping on you as excuse?
YTA. Ih
YTA, and this isn’t the whole story. Perhaps you resent him for some reason that you haven’t disclosed.
If you want a better relationship, then ask yourself every morning “What can I do that will make today just a little bit better for him?” If he catches on, then maybe he’ll do the same.
If you don’t, and you’d rather be right than happy, then by all means continue being inconsiderate and looking for opportunities to irritate him. Caution: this is an excellent way to build resentment and to start little battles that fester. But hey, you’ll have the pleasure of knowing that you’re “right”!
I think you should clarify what your situation is. Are you taking care of the kids on your own? Full time? Multiple? Because then I wouldn’t exactly say your the asshole because you guys are both absolutely exhausted. But if you have the time to sleep in and get your full rest and he doesn’t then I’d say yes your the asshole.
YTA. I’d be PISSED if someone woke me up before my alarm went off. Idc if it’s 45 minutes or 45 seconds.
YTA
YTA.