Myself (36F) and my husband (40M) have 2 children. It’s been very hard. Our 3 year old daughter is special needs and our 1 year old son is extremely busy and doesn’t sleep well. At all. So we have no time for each other and are not in any kind of swing. It’s just survival.
Anyway, a month back my baby boy was being watched by his daddy. I’ve been exclusively pumping, so he often has times he needs to take over for me while I pump.
Somehow, while I was pumping, baby boy got a hold of a piece of clear plastic tape that was torn off an art project of our daughter and got it into his mouth. He’s known to “savor” things in his mouth so I don’t how long it was in there – just that it happened while I was away. He was fussing and crying the entire time I was pumping and my husband was in the pen with him. My husband had become numb to fussing and so didn’t check on him. When I came out from pumping I picked up the baby and he was acting weird, drooling like crazy. Clearly upset something was stuck in his mouth. Fast forward a minute later and I screamed at my husband to get over to me and help me check what is stuck in his mouth. He was almost annoyed but he could finally see that this was serious. Moments after that baby boy started choking and thank the Lord I knew what to do. My husband didn’t. I asked him to call 911. He didn’t. Didn’t know where his phone was (though he was just on it not paying attention to the baby). I dislodged the tape after several terrifying moments of listening and back blows and letting gravity do its thing. I got that tape off the back of his tongue and was in shock. How did he get a hold of that? Why didn’t my husband watch him more closely instead of being on his phone??? I could see my husband was clearly upset with himself for missing that and I didn’t want to rub it in.
Needless to say, I’ve become paranoid that he doesn’t pay close enough attention to the baby while I need him to look after him. This morning the baby started gagging on something. Again my husband was watching him. I came out of the bathroom and the baby crawled to me gagging. I picked him up and did some back blows and started questioning my husband if he was watching him closely enough.
He told me I was being disrespectful and threw him under the bus and he didn’t appreciate the insinuation. I apologized and wanted to talk about it but he didn’t want to. AITA?
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Myself (36F) and my husband (40M) have 2 children. It’s been very hard. Our 3 year old daughter is special needs and our 1 year old son is extremely busy and doesn’t sleep well. At all. So we have no time for each other and are not in any kind of swing. It’s just survival.
Anyway, a month back my baby boy was being watched by his daddy. I’ve been exclusively pumping, so he often has times he needs to take over for me while I pump.
Somehow, while I was pumping, baby boy got a hold of a piece of clear plastic tape that was torn off an art project of our daughter and got it into his mouth. He’s known to “savor” things in his mouth so I don’t how long it was in there – just that it happened while I was away. He was fussing and crying the entire time I was pumping and my husband was in the pen with him. My husband had become numb to fussing and so didn’t check on him. When I came out from pumping I picked up the baby and he was acting weird, drooling like crazy. Clearly upset something was stuck in his mouth. Fast forward a minute later and I screamed at my husband to get over to me and help me check what is stuck in his mouth. He was almost annoyed but he could finally see that this was serious. Moments after that baby boy started choking and thank the Lord I knew what to do. My husband didn’t. I asked him to call 911. He didn’t. Didn’t know where his phone was (though he was just on it not paying attention to the baby). I dislodged the tape after several terrifying moments of listening and back blows and letting gravity do its thing. I got that tape off the back of his tongue and was in shock. How did he get a hold of that? Why didn’t my husband watch him more closely instead of being on his phone??? I could see my husband was clearly upset with himself for missing that and I didn’t want to rub it in.
Needless to say, I’ve become paranoid that he doesn’t pay close enough attention to the baby while I need him to look after him. This morning the baby started gagging on something. Again my husband was watching him. I came out of the bathroom and the baby crawled to me gagging. I picked him up and did some back blows and started questioning my husband if he was watching him closely enough.
He told me I was being disrespectful and threw him under the bus and he didn’t appreciate the insinuation. I apologized and wanted to talk about it but he didn’t want to. AITA?
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> Am I an asshole for asking him if he was watching the baby closely? Am I an asshole if I ask him or think it’s his fault the baby choked?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Holy fuck NTA. He wasn’t watching the freaking kid! Like, your main job as a parent, especially in the beginning, is to keep the kids alive. And he’s failing at that. He’s failing at the bare freaking minimum. Make him take parenting classes or something. I wouldn’t leave him alone with the kids again until he at least recognizes the harm he’s doing
NTA but your husband needs to be paying attention. It can happen so quickly – especially when they’re small – and you can’t watch them every second but if you know he likes to put things in his mouth, hubby should be paying more attention. I get why you’re upset. It’s so stressful.
Nta, some serious words need to be had with ur husband. This is not a minor disagreement or something, this is a really dangerous situation. His feelings do not matter in the slightest in comparison to a child’s safety.
I don’t know if it would have helped with the tape, but you might look into getting a LifeVac to keep on hand in case he chokes on something again. That does not take care of the husband problem you have, but it may assist you in a stressful moment.
Also, your husband is ridiculous. His inattentiveness has caused issues twice now. How he feels does not matter compared to your kid’s safety.
When my niece was a baby my brother and us went out for a meal, he was feeding her while we chatted with her mum and my niece started to cough, he patted her back and she still coughed and so he picked her up, tipped her forward and patted her back to dislodge the food she’d just swallowed – all of this happened in seconds. She hadn’t been choking, thankfully, and was fine (after chucking back up some of her food), but those are a father’s instincts, knowing what’s in baby’s mouth and taking action when something doesn’t seem right. Even if it turns out it’s an overreaction. You can’t be inattentive around a baby, NTA.
NTA
It’s not paranoia.
So. Your pumping area needs an upgrade to accomodate the fact that your husband is incapable of watching the children and likely to get them killed.
I recommend a Pack N Play with some “special toys” just for pumping time. You can even use the TV. Or a bouncer. Whatever it takes to keep baby alive.
If you can, also upgrade to a faster pump and a pumping bra. The pumping bra will give your more freedom of movement. Game Changer!
NTA. Screw your husband’s “feelings.” Your kids health and safety come first.
Didn’t someone relatively famous just have their toddler drown because she left it with the dad for something like 22 minutes to run to the store? And the only reason the dad even went out was because the dog was losing its mind and the camera showed the toddler trying to get out on its own for like 10 mins?
NTA. Inattentiveness kills kids.
NTA
“He was almost annoyed but he could finally see that it was serious”. Your husband has to watch the kids, not the phone or tv or xbox or whatever. 1 year olds get into trouble fast. Mine will be on top of the kitchen table in a minute.
Your husband is going to get your son killed if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass. And his phone.
Make sure that you have a secure baby proofed area where you can put your son in when you need to step away. Check the floor and play area for small objects constantly. It only gets worse as they get older and faster and start counter surfing.
NTA. Clearly your husband didn’t feel THAT upset with himself if you being scared that it might happen again makes him sulk like a child. The baby might not have survived without your intervention because your husband literally did nothing, just stood there and watched, and now he’s upset that you’ve become ready to intervene anytime to make up for his shortcomings? Seems like his pride matters more to him than his child’s life and he should reflect on that. He wasn’t even capable of calling 911 when it mattered but demands unconditional trust now, without showing proof that he’s learned his lesson.
Disrespectful?????? Respect is earned sir. Parent your kids nta.
NTA. Your husband is barreling down a road to letting that kid die in his care.
NTA
If baby is making gagging and making noise it’s usually a sign they are working stuff out for themselves. Silence is scary. My 19 month pld learned very quickly that she would get a lot of attention from gagging when she first started eating around 6 months. She will still stick her fingers down her throat if she’s feeling like she’s not getting enough attention. It really does sound like your husband isn’t clued into baby at all but that’s something most mothers will tell you is pretty normal for dads, they just don’t assess danger the way mammy’s do. Maybe when you are both calmer you could explain to your husband that he’s making you feel like baby isn’t safe with him and that’s upping anxiety levels. If you need to do something for twenty mins he needs to leave his phone down to take care of baby. We all spend too much time on our phones but it’s really important that we focus on small children when we are in charge of them. You are going through a really tough time don’t be do hard on yourself.
NTA. Turns out you have three children.
NTA! His feelings are irrelevant compared to your baby boy’s life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Did he not take an infants/kids CPR class before baby #1? If not, he needs to get on that ASAP.
It’s not feasible for him to never solo parent, and a lot of first aid isn’t intuitive. Yes, he needs to get off his phone and pay attention but a class would give you some peace of mind and help him be more aware and empowered for when these situations come up. You should check with your local hospital. They often have them for free.
He needs a parenting class STAT! 😫
You’re not paranoid or TA.
Your husband needs to be shot out of a cannon into the sun, however. How TF was he giving YOU shit about his fuckup?
Girl, get another one. Those things are free.
NTA but you need to edit your post to say you have three children. One 3, one 1, and the third is 40.
Having had the experience of watching my 1 year old choke on food in front of me whilst I was watching him – (he was in his high chair. It was lunchtime), I would definitely say NTA. Luckily my husband was home and knew what to do. We got the food out within a few seconds. These things can happen in the blink of an eye. It’s why you have to watch your children!!!!
This is really sad & I hear it happening to women a lot. If he can’t be trusted to watch the kids , please mom for their safety STOP doing it. If he keeps acting this way towards you & the kids, I highly suggest getting a divorce & supervised visitation until they’re a lot older , as he has already proven that he’s unfit to care for young children. I know that might sound a bit extreme, but we must take extreme measures to protect our children. If you are going to stay with him & allow him to watch the kids , BUY A LIFE VAC ! It’s a life saving device for anyone who’s choking !