I am my mothers only daughter and there’s always been friction between us. Growing up, she was always really strict with me and gave my stepdad all the power to control my life despite my real dad being in the picture. Truly, I don’t have fond memories of my childhood. Mostly, it involved lots of hostility and feelings of isolation. Now that I’m grown (26), our relationship hasn’t seemed to improve. When I got pregnant, my mom treated me horribly. She would always bicker with me and push me to emotional heights that were certainly not healthy for my baby. For example, she began to make my baby shower all about her and got upset when I voiced my preferences over the location (I wanted to have it at my aunts house but she couldn’t bear that my aunt might take credit for throwing me the baby shower herself). She also refused to keep her mind open to collaborate with my loved ones for the baby shower who wished to contribute. This prompted me to just throw my own baby shower to avoid all this drama and ultimately ended up having to rent a hall, which also seemed to bother her. At the baby shower, she refused to play the game where I revealed my babies name simply because I had told my best friend already and hadn’t told her. Tensions over the baby shower were so high that I began to cry at her house, but excused myself outside to get some air, which she and her husband seemed to shame me for, making me only feel worse. In moments like this, I would just feel so bad for my innocent baby, who was surely feeling everything I felt. Now that baby is here, she is 4 months old and I’ve never taken the baby to her house, which bothers my mom deeply.. Besides the trauma she inflicted on me growing up (which I forgive her for) and the way she treated me while pregnant (which still pains me tbh), she is also a heavy cigarette smoker who as of late can smoke up to 2 packs a day. When I leave her house, the smell stays in my hair and clothes, and I just don’t want the baby having to endure that. I feel like she thinks it’s normal because as kids, my siblings and I were always exposed to the smoke + smell. My husband and I, however, are strongly against exposing the baby. This makes me feel bad because I don’t want to reduce her opportunity to be a grandmother and don’t want to restrict my baby of any love coming her way, but it’s just so unpleasant and I can’t even talk to my mom about it without her getting very defensive. I’ve asked my mom to limit her smoking when she’s going to come over and hold the baby but she doesn’t follow through. Ultimately, I feel like I need to keep my baby from her and I feel like the asshole, especially since I refuse to take her over to my moms. Along with the smoking, I just feel she forfeited all her privileges when she treated me shitty while I was pregnant. AITA?
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I am my mothers only daughter and there’s always been friction between us. Growing up, she was always really strict with me and gave my stepdad all the power to control my life despite my real dad being in the picture. Truly, I don’t have fond memories of my childhood. Mostly, it involved lots of hostility and feelings of isolation. Now that I’m grown (26), our relationship hasn’t seemed to improve. When I got pregnant, my mom treated me horribly. She would always bicker with me and push me to emotional heights that were certainly not healthy for my baby. For example, she began to make my baby shower all about her and got upset when I voiced my preferences over the location (I wanted to have it at my aunts house but she couldn’t bear that my aunt might take credit for throwing me the baby shower herself). She also refused to keep her mind open to collaborate with my loved ones for the baby shower who wished to contribute. This prompted me to just throw my own baby shower to avoid all this drama and ultimately ended up having to rent a hall, which also seemed to bother her. At the baby shower, she refused to play the game where I revealed my babies name simply because I had told my best friend already and hadn’t told her. Tensions over the baby shower were so high that I began to cry at her house, but excused myself outside to get some air, which she and her husband seemed to shame me for, making me only feel worse. In moments like this, I would just feel so bad for my innocent baby, who was surely feeling everything I felt. Now that baby is here, she is 4 months old and I’ve never taken the baby to her house, which bothers my mom deeply.. Besides the trauma she inflicted on me growing up (which I forgive her for) and the way she treated me while pregnant (which still pains me tbh), she is also a heavy cigarette smoker who as of late can smoke up to 2 packs a day. When I leave her house, the smell stays in my hair and clothes, and I just don’t want the baby having to endure that. I feel like she thinks it’s normal because as kids, my siblings and I were always exposed to the smoke + smell. My husband and I, however, are strongly against exposing the baby. This makes me feel bad because I don’t want to reduce her opportunity to be a grandmother and don’t want to restrict my baby of any love coming her way, but it’s just so unpleasant and I can’t even talk to my mom about it without her getting very defensive. I’ve asked my mom to limit her smoking when she’s going to come over and hold the baby but she doesn’t follow through. Ultimately, I feel like I need to keep my baby from her and I feel like the asshole, especially since I refuse to take her over to my moms. Along with the smoking, I just feel she forfeited all her privileges when she treated me shitty while I was pregnant. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I feel like the action I’m taking that should be judged is keeping my baby from my mom and not forgiving my mom for the way she treated my while pregnant.
(2) such actions might make me the asshole because of my ability to not forgive. I also might be the asshole for trying to control my moms cigarette use rather than empathize with her
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Babies shouldn’t be around cigarette smoke.
NTA. Your mom sounds like one tho.
NTA. Even if your mother was wonderful, you should not bring your baby to hang out in a smoking house.
And since your mother hasn’t been wonderful, feel free to limit contact as much as seems wise. Children benefit greatly from a loving grandparent, but not so much from a harmful one.
NTA. You have to do what’s best for your baby. Your mother is both physically (smoking) and emotionally (treatment of you) toxic. Why would you expose your baby to that? Don’t feel guilty. Trust your motherly instincts.
Absolutely NTA. You are not the asshole for protecting your baby, both from secondhand smoke and from the emotional toxicity your mother brings.
NTA. You’re allowed to go low/no contact with people who are shitty to you.
NTA Secondhand smoke it toxic. Your Mom is a piece of work, you are right to avoid her.
NTA! Honey, your mother has treated you badly all your life; don’t let her do that to your baby!
NTA. The smoking alone is a deal-breaker. The emotional abuse is another. I wouldn’t take my baby there, either.
NTA. You’re right, she forfeited all the privileges already. She has shown toxic behavior and a lack of care to your and your baby’s well-being, physically and emotionally. She also does not comply with not smoking as much when she’s around the baby, which is dangerous, because second-hand smoking is bad too. You’re doing what a good mother does, which is looking out for the health and safety of her child.
NTA. You’re only 26. It was common knowledge when you were born not to have kids around smoke. That coupled with how she has treated you your entire life, she sounds like she’s just not a caring person or a good mom. I wouldn’t worry about limiting your daughter’s time with her. It sounds like it would be the best for you and your daughter to keep your mom at a distance.
Calmly tell her that you’re not the one limiting contact, SHE is. There can’t be many people in the world who don’t know that second hand smoke has measurable and appreciable effects on those exposed, especially babies/kids.
That’s it, end of conversation.
NTA.
I’m going to get you to think through the problem.
YOU made the boundary that baby won’t be around smokers/in places with smoke permeated into every surface.
She has the option to not smoke, visit more regularly in public, at your house etc.
She, however, has chosen to not do any of that.
The consequence of her lack of action /actions is that she sees your baby less.
It’s on her to change if what she wants is more time with baby. You aren’t asking for the moon, just that she doesn’t smoke and then be around your kid.
Most often though, she doesn’t actually want more time with baby, she wants you to feel guilty and cave to what SHE wants.
She’s continuing to abuse you through your pregnancy and I don’t think you SHOULD forgive her. She has made no effort to change or be a better person.
Consider further limiting the access your kid has to your abuser. No child should see this kind of behaviour modelled for them.
If you aren’t in therapy, might I suggest you consider it.
Based on your writing, I don’t understand why you’re so concerned with your mom. Trust me, I know. You should only meet her in public places when she smells the way she does. Plus, she won’t be able to smoke.
You need to start putting you and your family first. She’s now “extended” family. She no longer ‘controls’ you. You set the boundaries now.
NTA I am sorry for all your mom put you through. Sounds like you want a better relationship with her, she just won’t even try to change a little. Cigarette smoke and residue isn’t good for baby, so stand your ground there. As to forgiveness, how do you define it? I think forgiveness is choosing not to hold on to hurt and bitterness, while also realizing that it is OK to stand up for yourself and you aren’t solely responsible for healing the relationship (or making it look good from the outside). Forgiveness alone can’t heal a relationship, healing also requires that your mom acknowledge that she is wrong and has hurt you, and changing her behavior. In short, forgiving your mom heals YOU, but forgiveness alone can’t heal the relationship with your mom. Sounds to me like you do want to let go of the hurt, that is the start of the forgiveness journey. But sometimes forgiveness is a long journey. So I think you HAVE begun to forgive your mom, your aren’t the AH for being on the journey.
NTA- she can come to you IF you’re ok with her doing so. Smoke is so terrible for little ones and that is beside the fact that it doesn’t seem she adds any positivity to your life.
You would only be the asshole if you give this toxic woman the opportunity to emotionally abuse your child like she did you. I’d limit contact as much as possible. NTA
NTA is therapy accessible to you? I feel like a professional could help you process your emotionally abusive childhood and set boundaries to protect your peace now.
Consider: what does your mom add to your life? Is the “love” she has for your child worth it? She isn’t willing to change her behavior to protect that child’s health and safety. She makes your parenting decisions into power struggles. I would suggest that the way she treats you is still emotionally abusive, or at least toxic. Maybe consider taking a break from her, just to see how it feels.
Please talk to a therapist to find out why and get some techniques as to how to deal with a toxic mother.
NTA. You don’t owe your mother the opportunity to be a grandmother. Either she’s going to treat your child poorly, or (and I think this is more likely) she’s going to undermine your parenting at every turn. Either way, you have the right to protect yourself and the responsibility to protect your child.
Third hand smoke is dangerous to babies. That shit you smell on her clothes literally leeches off onto the baby. Let alone the house. It isnt enough to wash hands. She needs to not touch the baby or hold the baby if she’s been smoking. Her addiction could make your baby sick. It’s your job to protect your baby not your mom’s feelings. She’d work on overcoming her addiction if she cared so much about being a grandma. Do your job, mom. Protect that baby.
Your mother doesn’t treat you with love. Manipulation and guilt wrapped in abuse is not love. Why expose your baby to such a toxic person?
Why are you torturing yourself like this?
SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!
She doesn’t care about your feelings. She doesn’t care what you want. She has no respect for you as a parent. She has allowed your stepfather to walk all over you.
SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!
She wants control. She wants things done her way. It’s all about her, not you or anyone else.
She has shown you this your entire life. Why can’t you see that?
She doesn’t care about you.
Oh maybe deep down inside there is some element of love in her. But she has buried that and has no reason to dig it up.
Why?
Because she is self-centered. It is, and should be, all about what she wants, what she needs, and what she thinks is best. You are an obstacle to that. You are an unnecessary impediment to her getting what she wants. You ARE the problem!
She wants all the glory for hosting the perfect baby shower. To hell with what the mother-to-be wants! To hell with allowing anyone to have input! To hell with allowing anyone to assist!
She doesn’t care about you.
I am very sorry to tell you that.
You are NTA. And you are very beaten down from having lived with that for so long. Stand your ground. You are the only protection your child has.
Do you want your child(-ren) to grow up with your mother treating them like she treated you? Do you want them to feel the feelings you have felt?
Think about it.
Abuse wrapped up in love is still abuse. Your mom was abusive and still is abusive and won’t even follow basic health requirements to protect your baby’s lungs from cigarettes. Your mom obviously loves her cigarettes more than your baby so make decisions based on that fact. You can’t trust your mom and she prioritizes cigarettes over your baby. What benefit would she bring into your baby’s life?
NTA.
First of all, you and your husband together have every right to make all decisions regarding the health and safety of your children, and you are never an AH for doing that.
Second, there is no such thing as “grandparent’s rights.” Yes, if grandparents have a strong existing bond and regular visits with their grandchildren, they can get court-ordered visitation in the case of a divorce. But they do not have any innate right to see your children, and certainly not at their house. Even without the smoking.
I would very much encourage you to focus only on the smoking for now as the no-exceptions reason for why you will not have your baby in her house. This isn’t 1970 or even 1998. If she wants to have her grandbaby in her house, she and her husband have to quit smoking. Period, end of story.
You have other reasons, which are also valid, but are more open to
interpretationgaslighting.You are trying to merge two separate issues. How you get along with your mother has nothing to do with the fact that she is a heavy smoker and you don’t want to expose your child to the unhealthy environment. Nta for not wanting to expose your child to cigarette smoke. But it’s weird that you think you have to justify the decision with examples of your bad relationship with your mother.
NTA You are never the asshole for protecting your baby’s health and it sounds as though you’re protecting her mental health as well as her physical health. She’s lucky to have a mum like you.
NTA. Keep your daughter away from her. There isn’t any love coming her way. You know why you feel as you do: don’t subject your daughter to it.
NTA I was also raised by a smoker, who came from a family of smokers. In the house, in the car, all of the time. I have never smoked and always work out and run. Im 42 and they just found a mass in my lung. Keep your kid away from the smoke, and the drama.
NTA. You have every right to set boundaries regarding the mental, emotional, and physical health of yourself and your baby. If your mom doesn’t respect those boundaries then she gets the consequences. You mom isn’t entitled to anything. You need to put your family you made ahead of the one you came from. Don’t let her or other family members gaslight you…depending on your family this could get hard. I hope your partner is very supportive.
I had a similar issue with my mom and she doesn’t get to see my kids except at my house or in public. The worst part is not having that support that so many other people have, but its worth it to me to keep her at a distance since cleaning up her toxic mess is more work than just finding other childcare or not going out once in a while or having someone to vent to or whatever.
Get a therapist now, so that you don’t accidentally repeat any toxic relationship patterns with your kid, and read some books on setting boundaries. Your kid will never understand the good you’ve done for them but it will be worth it all the same!
Please get over the idea that your mother is going to treat your baby any better than you. She’s already willing to expose your infant to the toxins and carcinogens in cigarette smoke.
Do not ever leave your baby alone with that evil woman. EVER.
Wishful thinking will not change your mother into the caretaker you wanted her to be.
ETA: NTA. Your child deserves better than her.
NTA….But why do you want to have any contact with this person at all? From what you have posted, I see no redeeming qualities. Your mother not only treated you shitty while you were pregnant, but it seems your whole life. Do you really want your child to experience this behavior?
You do not want to expose your child to her cigarette smoke, but you are ok with her toxic behavior?
It really sounds like you need to either cut your mother out of your life or get a shiny spine and stop letting your mom and your stepdad control your life and make you feel like crap. You can say no. You can walk away. you can talk back to them.
NTA- be a mom first, not a daughter. I do not allow my kids to go in my mother’s car or over to her house bc my mother is also a heavy smoker. Whenever she complains, i tell her she knows how to fix the issue (quit smoking) and if she refuses then she can stop whining. My mom was also abusive to me and my siblings, parentified me, very jealous of our stepmother and did everything she could to destroy our relationship with her and our dad… she hasn’t changed much and I just have very limited contact with her now. I see her on holidays and we invite her over for dinner or out to dinner about once a month.
She’s a good grandmother in small doses but I’m not going to give her the opportunity to show my kids who she can really be.
NTA and just an FYI parents can be toxic and it’s OK to cut toxic people from your life. Ask yourself of the behaviors came from a friend would you really want to be their friend? You would most likely cut them off.
You will not be restricting your baby from love coming her way because there is none from your mother. You didn’t feel love so why should your daughter? Your mother has proven time and again that she doesn’t respect you and is toxic. At 26, you still have trauma. Is this what you want for your child? No grandmother is better than a bad grandmother. Go NC and save your daughter.
Also smoke that is clinging to her hair and clothes can still affect babies’ lungs. I remember reading about that when my son was a baby.
The heavy smoking alone would have kept me from that house, so adding all the other things she put you through: stay away from her. What would you do if in a few years time she wants to have your child stay the night at her place? Set the bounderies now, so you won’t be in the same predicament then. NTA
Your mom is toxic. Keep your baby away from her and go low-no contact. She’ll do nothing but drain you emotionally and blame you for it. NTA
Sorry didn’t read the whole thing but sounds like you need to start choosing peace instead of chaos and that would completely exclude her. Good luck to you
Why would you want someone so terrible around your kid. I wouldn’t allow her anywhere near mine unless she can so some real change in her behaviour. I definitely wouldn’t have my baby in a house with people that smoke. That’s actually dangerous for a babies lungs more so than an adult
I’m on your side, NTA. My mom is a chain smoker, if she’s awake, she’s got a cigarette in her hand. My daughters have never been to her house because they always get sick afterwards from the smoke and smells. She’s only been to my families house because we don’t allow her to smoke indoors and she refuses to go outside to smoke. So the only time she’s seen her granddaughters is out to dinner at non-smoking restaurants. I value my daughters health way more than I value their relationship with their grandmother. again, NTA.
NTA. To he honest, it doesn’t sound like your mother deserves any contact with you or your child.
NTA – birthing toy does not entitle her to any aspect of your life, especially when she refuses to acknowledge and accept the impact her behavior has had on your life. She is not owed grandchildren and she is not owed access to you or your children’s lives. If you feel comfortable, you are well within rights to cut her off entirely.
NTA
NTA even without the abuse. Cigarette smokers do not get to hold your baby. It is your JOB to protect your baby from 2nd hand smoke & foul smells that linger. 👍🤟for doing your job. If grandma cannot understand that, too bad not sad
You had me 100% from the start. Right up to the point where you say, “This makes me feel bad…”. Hell to the no. You are absolutely without blame or malice here – your Mother created this situation, Not You.
You have no moral or emotional or even familial reason to take your baby to visit that woman. She doesn’t deserve it, she won’t appreciate it, she’s only doing it for appearances sake – You think she’s got a soft spot for your baby? You think she messed up your childhood because you were a daughter who lacked? So then maybe your baby is the do-over opportunity and your mom will love her and by extension, finally show she loves you too? Happy families? That. Is. Not. How. This. Works.
You need therapy because that woman is still messing with – and messing up – your head. You also need boundaries. Good, solid, hard, unbreakable boundaries. Up to and including no physical contact or no contact whatsoever. You’ll be Amazed at how your tense shoulders and tension headaches and lightheaded spells from forgetting to breathe will gradually Fade Away….
You want an excuse to not see your mom whatsoever? Tell her you’re not subjecting your baby to a smoker and a smoker’s environment – covers both bases then, she can’t come over because she’ll still Reek of the ash trough. Tell her when she quits you’ll be excited to introduce her grandchild to her. Until then….And you know there won’t be a “then” because your mom is too selfish to do anything for anybody else.
Second hand smoke is dangerous. Full Stop.
You are not required to take your baby anywhere that second hand smoke will be. That alone is enough to justify keeping your child away from your mother’s house. I don’t know when you grew up, but now we KNOW how bad it is and we take steps to keep children away from smoke. You don’t owe her anything other than to say, “I am not going to expose my baby to second hand smoke. You will need to meet grandchild at my house or at a restaurant.” Otherwise, well, so sorry, so sad and you hate it for her.
NTA on the cigarette smoke alone.
Your job is to protect your child, even if it’s from her grandmother.
As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, i have similar history. I didn’t finally stand up to my mother until our daughter was 6 or so, and I eventually went no contact when I saw myself responding to my daughter the same way she had responded to me. I recognized that the only way to break the cycle of abuse would be to not have contact with her.
My daughter, now 37, and I talk about my mom. She remembers the crazy screaming matches between me and my mom even though she was very young. She also remembers my mother being very manipulative and she recognized it even as a small child. For my mom, we were trophies, not children. Possessions and not family. She approved of me especially based on the things that I did to make her look good. My daughter also saw how I changed to a more peaceful happy person who celebrated with her when she had success rather than claiming her successes as my own. I cant believe she saw all of this even as a very small child who didn’t know her grandmother only off and on from age 12 to 30.
I tell you all of this to say that removing toxic people from your and your baby’s life is NOT depriving her of love. It’s giving her peace. It’s showing her that her wellbeing is the most important thing in the world to you.
I hate to see families driven apart. I have lived that life. It ain’t fun, but if you work on yourself it’s worth it.
NTA
Babies can die from 3rd hand smoke. Please keep your baby safe.
OP’s mother could shower, put on clean clothes and use a nicotine patch to curb the withdrawal. Given her attitude she might tell you to kick rocks. Maybe she’ll surprise you.
NTA you ask for such simple requests and your mom doesn’t respect you
NTA. You have your own family now that you need to take care of, and your baby comes before your bad mother. Besides for the smoking, which is enough as it is, how is she as a grandmother? I would assume if she was a bad mother, she’s not going to be a good grandmother. You keep your baby away from her and you don’t need to feel guilty about it.
NTA, and why haven’t you gone no contact?
What benefit do you get from being in communication with her?
if you press the enter/return button it makes a new paragraph.
NTA. You don’t need to feel guilty for protecting your child from toxic smoke or toxic behavior. I would honestly limit any contact at all with your mom. Your child won’t miss it.
NTA
She has treated you badly and disregards your parenting decisions. She’s already begun to assert her will over your child.
Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I’m the mom now. It’s my job to protect my child.” Then go low /no contact so you can enjoy your life without her.
You’re holding all the cards now. She will protest and you should ignore it.
NTA and I wouldn’t take my baby there ever based on the smoking alone.
Please reevaluate whether your childhood trauma, your emotionally abusive treatment while pregnant and her continued lack of accountability as a mother/grandmother are your motivation for refusing to take your child to her house. You have lots of backstory, lots of history, lots of stuff to talk to a therapist about, but if she were your perfect, ideal, never did anything wrong dream mom, I truly hope you wouldn’t overlook the chainsmoking that would be life altering for your child’s development to be exposed to. None of the back story matters except to make you incapable of putting your child first in this conversation, because your mom installed buttons and triggers in your subconscious that you have to acquiesce to her. Stop.
The only question that matters is if you should compromise your child’s lifetime health to make a chainsmoking person feel happier. NTA all day if you don’t take your kid there. You’re an asshole if you do. I am older than you and I was raised with two chainsmoking parents. I am now compromised in my lungs because I have asthma that was not diagnosed in childhood nor was it properly treated. I had all the signs but living with a smoker or two caused the issues to be overlooked. I would never expose my child to that. She deserves to have clear, healthy lungs. Yours does too. Just because you and your siblings are okay doesn’t make it okay to knowingly harm your kid for your mom’s wishes.
NTA but also, she has treated you poorly your whole life, and is already using your pregnancy and early motherhood to harass you. Her presence is a net negative, for you and your child. You don’t have to give her access to your baby, now or ever. It’s not your job to make your mother happy. It’s your job to protect your baby, from threats physical and emotional. That means your mom. Her love hurts. Don’t let her hurt your baby. Her absence will be better for your child than her presence.
Use paragraphs
Your mom sounds like a narcissist. I say that because she sounds just like my mom. Luckily, she really lost interest after the first baby. I would let her hold my 1st if she had been smoking and it was on her clothes. She eventually quit (her future husband gave her an ultimatum). But the need to the center of attention never went away. NTA, maybe go low contact with her until you’ve healed and have your own routines.
All your life growing up, your parents had control over you.
When you became an adult, you probably just accepted that role and didn’t really change it . You were used to having to prove your love to your mother.
But now that you’re a parent, you know that your primary responsibility is to your baby not your mother. You’re starting to realize you don’t need to go out of your way to appease your mother anymore.
Because what will really happen if you don’t do what your mom says? I mean really? She’ll get mad? She’ll try to make you feel guilty.? Who cares you gotta protect that little baby
A pediatrician will tell you not to expose a baby to secondary smoke.
“ mom I will not be taking the baby to your house. The pediatrician said not to expose the baby to secondhand smoke. If you’d like to go out to lunch, we can do that with the baby.”
You have the power now . You are the gatekeeper to the baby. Your mom will try to push this boundary…. She’ll push and push and push, and that phenomenon is called “ The extinction burst.”
You just need to think about your little baby and your peace of mind and if your mother wants to be in your world, she has to accommodate you not the other way around .
If you can smell smoke on her, before you let her in the house , “ mom I’ve told you that we can’t expose the baby to secondhand smoke. We’ll have to make this visit another time.”
And you’re not reducing her, her opportunity to be a grandmother , she is.
You make the rules and if she wants to see the baby, she has to conform with the rules .
She still has you in the FOG… fear obligation, and guilt.
NTA, I would never take my child to someone’s house if they smoke inside. It is honestly inappropriate that your mother thinks that smoking around a baby is okay.