So me and my fiancé are about to be married. My mum and dad do not get on what so ever and because of this I planned to elope. Eventually I asked both parents “If I was to get married and he/she (my dad or mum) was there would you be okay and be supportive of me and my future wife?” My dad answered of course, it’s about you and her (my fiancé)
My mum said no and was gobsmacked I’d even asked him because they broke up 15 years ago and it wasn’t a nice break up.
My mum thinks I shouldn’t invite him because she has financially supported me more than my father but me and my father have a very different bond. My mum hates my dad and doesn’t like me having a relationship with him. And she doesn’t understand or thinks it’s not fair on her that I’m inviting him.
I asked my mum three times and her answer was no. No and no.
Recently a letter turned up with the registry details on the back to my mums house and it’s all gone up in the air, “I haven’t asked her” “she’s not going to be a second thought”
I’m stuck in the middle here. She wants me to exclude my dad and her come because she’s supported me more. When I want them both there?
Her side of the feud is saying I’m the bad one for inviting him, and not excluding him. and his side is saying it’s yours and your fiancés day.
My mother is now completely blanking me, being quite rude saying “stay out of my way and il stay out the way of yours”. My fiancé is really sad and upset all this has kicked off, and she’s shaken by it all because she’s not used to the anxiety and high tension that I’m used to with my mum.
Am I wrong or am I the ar******?
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So me and my fiancé are about to be married. My mum and dad do not get on what so ever and because of this I planned to elope. Eventually I asked both parents “If I was to get married and he/she (my dad or mum) was there would you be okay and be supportive of me and my future wife?” My dad answered of course, it’s about you and her (my fiancé)
My mum said no and was gobsmacked I’d even asked him because they broke up 15 years ago and it wasn’t a nice break up.
My mum thinks I shouldn’t invite him because she has financially supported me more than my father but me and my father have a very different bond. My mum hates my dad and doesn’t like me having a relationship with him. And she doesn’t understand or thinks it’s not fair on her that I’m inviting him.
I asked my mum three times and her answer was no. No and no.
Recently a letter turned up with the registry details on the back to my mums house and it’s all gone up in the air, “I haven’t asked her” “she’s not going to be a second thought”
I’m stuck in the middle here. She wants me to exclude my dad and her come because she’s supported me more. When I want them both there?
Her side of the feud is saying I’m the bad one for inviting him, and not excluding him. and his side is saying it’s yours and your fiancés day.
My mother is now completely blanking me, being quite rude saying “stay out of my way and il stay out the way of yours”. My fiancé is really sad and upset all this has kicked off, and she’s shaken by it all because she’s not used to the anxiety and high tension that I’m used to with my mum.
Am I wrong or am I the ar**?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Inviting my dad to my wedding
Because he was the reason they broke up and my mum has supported me a lot, so am I the arse hole for inviting my dad?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Since you get along with both of them, you invite both and let each one decide if they want to attend. If she decides not to attend, that’s on her, not on you. That will tell you she hates your father more than she loves you. Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials!
You aren’t the asshole, your mom is. Best way to have a nice wedding is if she isn’t there, she’s got such a grip on that hate that no wedding is going to make her nice. Go and elope, then have a couple of small parties at home, one with mom and her side, one with dad and his side.
Even if their break up was all his fault, he is still your bio father and you have a relationship with him. So it your mom that sounds to be the unreasonable one. On the other hand, what does a bad break up mean? Break ups happen, but what exactly happened? Maybe what your father did, wasn’t only about not being a good spouse but also a horrible human.
You are not the AH and you have every right to invite both of your parents. It’s sad that your mum cares more about hating your dad then she cares about loving you. It does not matter how much you dislike the other parent, when children are involved then you put your feelings aside and support your child no matter what the circumstances are. If parents have an issue then they can sort it on the side, but it is not fair to put your child in the middle and make them take sides. That is very selfish of your mum and it is not fair on you and I am very sorry you had to go through that. You are NTA and you have every right to want both of your parents at your wedding and support you on your big day.
Weddings are the one time divorced parents are supposed to suck it up and get along
NTA, it’s your and your fiancée’s day. Your parents are invited and expected to be the adults in the room.
NTA
Give your mom the option of attending the wedding with your father or not attending at all.
If she tries to hold you hostage with money, tell her you’ll elope.
If Vito wanted to pursue that lifestyle he should have done so quietly!
NTA
Your mom is out of line. My ex cheated on me multiple times in the marriage, hid money, had complete financial control and left me destitute. My oldest got married just a few months after the divorce was final. My ex was there and he brought his fiancée (the other woman) to the wedding. My only request was that I didn’t have to sit near him for the ceremony. It was my son’s wedding and it wasn’t about me.
<My dad answered of course, it’s about you and her (my fiancé)>
Your dad gave the right answer.
Stop feeling as if you are in the middle.
DO NOT give your mom room to argue.
They are both invited.
The wedding is about you and your fiancée.
If either (mom…) can’t accept that, then she is not obliged to accept your invitation.
And tell her you’re sure your mutual friends and family will totally understand that she has to put herself first on your day.
Those are the cards she can deal with.
NTA
NTA. Its your day. Your mom has the right to choose not to attend. When my daughter got married she had her biological dad, and her legal dad walk her down the aisle. It was such a great moment, and even though my first marriage did not have a fairy tale ending…she was through the roof happy that we were all such good friends that this could even happen for her. Your mom is an adult and should put aside her bad feelings for one day….her childs day.
NTA
Your mother needs to decide if her love for you is greater than her hatred for your father.
That said OP a few questions – is your mother upset because she had to raise you with none/ very little input or financial assistance from your father? If so you can understand the betrayal she might feel.
NTA. They don’t have to like each other but they should be able to tolerate/ignore each other at their daughter’s wedding. You should invite them both, if your mom chooses not to attend that’s on her.
NTA
I’m sorry your mum is such a bitter woman she can’t put everything aside for a few hours of one day to be there for your wedding. She can then go back to hating him for eternity.
Your dad is handling this way better. His “it’s your day” attitude is refreshing.
Next time your mum says no, say okay and change the subject. No begging or pleading. That will let her know you’re serious and your day is not about her. When she asks about stuff just tell her you’re sorry she won’t see it for herself.
NTA. the part who can’t stay civil for one day can’t expect to be invited. yes, they had a bad divorce, but as long as it was not very abusive, they should be able to co-parent, even if you are an adult now.
my in-laws did this stunt as well, guess with whom we are nc?
NTA. Your father handled this correctly. Let your mother know that she is invited. She is free to attend or not attend, and if she’d rather skip her child’s wedding so she doesn’t have to be in the same room as her ex, she is free to do that.
NTA. I told my parents that this is MY wedding and either behave like adults or don’t show up.
If Mum can’t be civil for a couple of hours to make her child’s special day a success, then Mum has a serious problem and would not be invited. The guilt trip is invalid here (I paid for you growing up he didn’t) it’s your day, your choice.
NTA – Inviting them both is the right thing to do. Then let them do what they want. The only question here is the support part. I’m guessing that since you had a strong relationship with your father, he did provide you with support, but you lived with your mom?
NTA “Mum, my relationship with my dad is different to yours. If you hate dad more than you love me, then it’s best you stay away from my wedding. If you actually love me enough to support me on what will be the happiest day of my life, then I would absolutely want you there.”
Your mom gave her answer. If she can’t just deal for one day, she’s the one who’s being immature and she’s the one who’s not invited. Nta but don’t invite her or it will be a huge thing on your day. Tell her if she can’t suck it up, she’ll miss one of the most important days of your life.