I’ve been dating someone for a couple months now. Both of us intend to find a long-term partner / marriage. Last night, this person asked me how many people I’ve slept with. I refused to give an answer, citing my belief that nothing good / productive would come of sharing that information. Further, I explained that I didn’t care what her “number” was either.
As a personal philosophy, I avoid sharing my “stats” with others —things like my income, GPA in school, or # of sexual partners. This is for multiple reasons— 1) People can be competitive and judgmental with that information, often causing resentment due to a discrepancy between one’s own “stats” or the labels we assign to stats within a certain threshold. 2) I have a belief that our pasts don’t define us today. Especially in a romantic sense, I believe that love relies on compatibility of people “as-they-are” and I don’t want knowledge of someone’s past actions to distort my perception of who they are in the present.
Some relevant context to add here— About 3 years ago, I recognized my own tendency to date / be in relationships habitually (after a series of back-to-back relationships). I attributed a fear of being alone and external validation being the primary drivers of this. So since that time, I’ve promised myself to stay single as a way of proving to myself I didn’t need a relationship to define my worth.
Fast forward to the present, I feel ready to pursue love again. However, I have admitted to being relatively sexually promiscuous that 3-year stint. This person was adamant on knowing my “number” as a response. They cited a statistical correlation between successful marriage and partners who wait / have fewer ex-lovers prior to the marriage.
Am I at fault for being stubborn on this matter? I’d love some other perspectives on this.
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I’ve been dating someone for a couple months now. Both of us intend to find a long-term partner / marriage. Last night, this person asked me how many people I’ve slept with. I refused to give an answer, citing my belief that nothing good / productive would come of sharing that information. Further, I explained that I didn’t care what her “number” was either.
As a personal philosophy, I avoid sharing my “stats” with others —things like my income, GPA in school, or # of sexual partners. This is for multiple reasons— 1) People can be competitive and judgmental with that information, often causing resentment due to a discrepancy between one’s own “stats” or the labels we assign to stats within a certain threshold. 2) I have a belief that our pasts don’t define us today. Especially in a romantic sense, I believe that love relies on compatibility of people “as-they-are” and I don’t want knowledge of someone’s past actions to distort my perception of who they are in the present.
Some relevant context to add here— About 3 years ago, I recognized my own tendency to date / be in relationships habitually (after a series of back-to-back relationships). I attributed a fear of being alone and external validation being the primary drivers of this. So since that time, I’ve promised myself to stay single as a way of proving to myself I didn’t need a relationship to define my worth.
Fast forward to the present, I feel ready to pursue love again. However, I have admitted to being relatively sexually promiscuous that 3-year stint. This person was adamant on knowing my “number” as a response. They cited a statistical correlation between successful marriage and partners who wait / have fewer ex-lovers prior to the marriage.
Am I at fault for being stubborn on this matter? I’d love some other perspectives on this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to share details of my sexual history with a current partner — specifically how many people I’ve slept with. This could make me an asshole if interpreted as secretive behavior / a violation of trust with my current partner, who claims they rely on this information to “know me on the deepest possible level.”
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Sounds like you’re in a tough spot mate, between two different beliefs about someone’s past defining or not defining who they are now.
NTA for not wanting to share your body count.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with a way to explain things to her, could you say something like “A while ago I recognized my tendency to date / be in relationships habitually after a series of back-to-back relationships. I realised this was a fear of being alone and needing external validation to drive my internal worth. Once I realised that I promised myself to stay single as a way of proving to myself I didn’t need a relationship to define my worth. I now feel worthy as a person, and someone who’s able to be in a healthy relationship with you, and recounting how many people I slept with before I became someone who genuinely loves themselves brings up painful memories of a difficult past.” Or something like that.
NAH – I mean it sounds like you two just aren’t compatible. People fundamentally aren’t just who they are as they are, while our past doesn’t define us it does contribute in building us, and I think partners find honesty, transparency, and vulnerability important especially in the long-term.
It’s a bit of information that will vary depending on the person in how relevant they find it (I don’t find a number important as long as someone is currently clean of STIs, that’s what really is relevant anyway). But in her case, she finding you stonewalling her in a conversation and is probably wondering what other areas of your life you plan on keeping secret from her. Like the income one would have to change if you have a longterm partnership, and she’s probably questioning now how committed you are to being life partners. Not just “right now” partners.
Difficult one this. Context is key I think. How did the question even come up? Also why was she so adamant to know?
Do you mind if I ask how old you are? In my 20s a person’s “magic” number seemed to come up a lot and the joke was always whatever a girl says times it by 3 and whatever a guy says divide it by 3 and you’ll be closer to the real number 🤣
But in your 30s is just not really asked
When I found the person I wanted to marry, I asked if he wanted to know my number. He said it didn’t matter because whatever it was made me into the person I was then, the person he fell in love with. Several decades later and he still doesn’t know, but it hasn’t gone up since him.
Find out exactly why your partner wants to know and what she will do with that information. Ask her if it changes who you are in her eyes. Have a conversation where you Don’t tell her the number, but do throw out half a dozen hypothetical numbers to get her reaction. Make sure she knows they are not real before you begin.
NTA
NAH.
You’re not a AH for not wanting to tell. (I don’t think it’s necessary either, assuming someone’s willing to get screened and share test results.)
And your partner isn’t an AH for asking, or for only wanting to pursue relationships with people who are willing to answer the question.
I do tend to think there is an over emphasis on “numbers.” Sure it is a data point that can be useful information, but too often is used as judgement point.
If “being relatively sexually promiscuous (for a) 3-year stint“ isn’t enough detail, maybe you two aren’t compatible. It sounds like she has some number that is a deal breaker for her, fine she needs to say it.
Also, I’m pretty sure successful marriages are not dependent on how many people you’ve slept with.
Tell him some super low number, like one or two. The actual number is moot, and none of his damn business.
This sounds like a fucked if you do, fucked if you don’t, type situation.
I’d dump someone who asked me that, just for asking
It tells me enough about them to know they’re not my kind of person
NTA I also refuse to share this information. Mainly due to having been judged/slut shamed for my answer in the past. However, I do offer to get a full STD screen and share the results. If that’s not enough, then we aren’t compatible and I move on.
>> They cited a statistical correlation between successful marriage and partners who wait / have fewer ex-lovers prior to the marriage.
is it a good peer reviewed paper? How many citations, etc?
If it’s a person you plan on getting serious with then yeah you need to share that info. If you’re not interested in pursuing it further then withhold it.
You have the right to keep it to yourself, they have the right to look elsewhere.
NTA. However, you partner is NTA either. They’re not wrong for wanting to know and you’re not wrong for not wanting to share. If this is a dealbreaker for either if you, you’re just not compatible.
So did you tell her you were not going to share your information before she shared her’s. My ex husband did that. Asked me for my number and I shared. I asked for his and he would not tell me.
NTA. All that should matter is if you’ve both been tested.
You’re probably incompatible. For what it’s worth I think your attitude is by far the healthier one. Either NTA or NAH, idk.
More than one, less than one thousand… you’re not wrong, and it settles an argument
NTA. The most important thing she needs to know is then the last time you were tested and what the results were.
I’ve heard conflicting theories on the correlation she cited. So I wouldn’t put too much stock in it. I do think you should do yourself a favor and reframe your “promiscuous” period (i.e., don’t describe yourself as “promiscuous”) as that may have triggered her inquiry. Beyond that you guys may just be incompatible
NTA
This sounds like a boundary for you and a healthy one at that.
Her trying to FORCE you to tell her when you’ve only been dating a few months is a red flag IMO.
This sounds like your 3-year-stint is something that she finds problematic and likely makes you two incompatible.
You can probably try to have a conversation about why this is a boundary for you, but if you both can’t come to terms here… it’s time to pack up.
Statistical correlation does not work for individual cases. There would have to be a direct connection like ‘at 11 partners your marriage will always last 3 years 4 months and 10 days’.
There is not.
Any number gets taken out of context and gets used to define you.
‘Four’ can mean four marriages and as many divorces, or 4 one-night stands, or 1 marriage cheating with 3 different people. Or 4 gay experiments after which you decided you’d try straight. Correlation my behind.
All of them are ‘4’ and this person will ignore all the possible variations and nuances and just reduce you to ‘4’.
The harder they push, the more you can be certain that they can not handle this information.
Esh….. if you are moving past it and are dating for long term you really should consider when you would at east tell her. You are both adults and if she can’t deal with your number then you aren’t compatible but you can’t withhold this information and expect a smooth healthy relationship
And anyone who is mature doesn’t care about high school GPA/ things that mattered a really long time ago so I don’t understand why you are insecure about this? Strikes me as odd, either mature enough to not care/ has own preferences and regardless shows you if you want to continue the relationship or not
NTA – but it kinda sounds like you’re ashamed of your past and that would be a little bit of a red flag
NTA. As long as you’re willing to give them a current clean STI screening they don’t need to know that. Some things are allowed to be private. I’ve been married 10 years. My husband dated girls before me. I don’t know how many of them he slept with because I don’t care and I’m happier for not knowing.
nta! as a lot of people have said, youre not wrong for not wanting to share your body count & other stats, as youve called them, but if thats a dealbreaker to your partner & your philosophies on it are so starkly different then honestly i dont think this would work out? theyre not at fault for having that view, per se, but this just feels like a matter of compatibility and your views aligning.
Nta. It’s your decision, and you can feel anyway you want to about it. She’s also nta if she walks away, a lot of people would.
I understand about some of what you are saying, I’m married to a very humble guy. We had been married well over 2 decades before I found out accidentally that he’d been accepted to a ton of Ivy League schools (he turned them all down.) He’s unbelievably talented and just an amazing human, but genuinely humble. He doesn’t want to be defined by things like his gpa, etc. you seem more ashamed and defensive and arrogant, rather than humble, though. Own your past, but no need to broadcast it. It’s okay to protect your privacy especially with someone relatively new in your life. I think you’ve given her enough of an idea that she can make an informed decision, which is fair.
Idk, you say you’re “dating” but you won’t tell her something as intimate as that, but I’m assuming during this dating frame you’re still being intimate with her?
Aka bumping your pelvis into hers.
Is it an actual relationship or a “we’re having sex and have no title but not seeing anyone else either?”
I’m still trying to figure out when someone’s “body count” became a thing.
NTA
Neither of you are the AH.
Your beliefs and needs don’t align. You might just be a bad fit for each other.
There is nothing wrong with being promiscuous. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is more chast. You two just don’t line up.
That would be a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t mean you have to tell but doesn’t mean she should stay either.
The thing is — if someone judges you based on your income/GPA/# of sexual partners — isn’t that a red flag that’s good to find out sooner rather than later? They probably have other characteristics they would judge on if those were a factor. Education, family history, it’s all up for judgement. Why hide the things you can and hope they don’t judge you for the things you can’t hide?
Edited to add: NTA
NAH, but I think your approach to this is wrong if you want to find a lasting love. It’s fine not to share “stats” with people in general, but I think in a relationship, you want to date someone who accepts all of who you are. I think the fact that your potential partner is asking and citing they want to know because they think a high number is a bad indicator shows that this relationship is doomed. Do you really want to be with someone so judgmental? I say this as someone who racked up quite a tally before I got my husband, so I’m not judging you at all. But he knew that I had a high number because I wasn’t ashamed of it and I didn’t want to be with someone who thought I was wrong for having a high number.
I dont think that it’s inappropriate for you to not want to share that information, but I also don’t think that it was out of line for her to ask. I typically have conversations about sexual history with my partners before we get to the point where we are having sex. I personally like to know because I am someone who cares a lot about safe sexual practices. I don’t judge someone for the number of people they have slept with, but I do want to be with someone who has compatible views on the role of sex in a relationship. I believe that someone has every right to participate in casual sex and hookup culture, and I do not think it is morally wrong or anything, we probably just wouldn’t be a good fit.
Nah but stop being a coward and just share the info. Trust is important in a long term relationship. She needs to know she can trust you to tell her private informatiom freely without fear of judgement from her. This works both ways.
In my opinion it doesn’t matter, but it seems to matter to you and her. You don’t want to tell for your defined reason, and she understandably wants you to open up and be honest.
Since it truly didn’t matter to me, I wasn’t afraid to tell my wife when we started dating.
NAH
No one actually cares about numbers (except the income part, I do hope you plan to share that with a partner if you choose to live together or get married, because it’s kind of important in the long term), and anyone that does is just going to focus and obsess and use that number to justify unrelated things.
You’re damned if you do here, damned if you don’t. Perhaps an “I don’t actually know” will suffice here (I personally have no idea what mine is, I wasn’t sitting there counting and I don’t intend to), but if not… Maybe this isn’t the one.
It’s an odd question. I never wanted to be the first one, nor I cared for how many there were in between…I just wanted to be the last one. Isn’t that what matters?
NTA, but of course they want to know, and it’s a valid reason for them to dissolve the relationship. Partners should be honest/open with each other if they are serious about a relationship working long term.
NAH, it’s your right to keep that number private. Given her reasoning, I can she why she’s asking.
That does mean that you both might be incompatible. Maybe just tell her:
i dont like discussing my past and a phase I went through and I won’t share that number. It is probably large enough though that your study will make some bad predictions. I don’t think that applies to us, but if you do, then it is time for us both to break up and find other partners.
NTA- Who cares what “studies have shown”, because it’s a limited subset and basically a ridiculous premise. People that don’t have a lot of partners before marriage miss out on the experience of variety and often don’t know what “great” sex really is. I wonder if her insistence on knowing is something more about an insecurity of hers, society BS not withstanding. Anyhow, your “body count” is between you and your past partners.
You can tell or not tell….thats up to you to decide, not him
His reaction to what you tell or not tell is up for him to decide, not you.
If he decides he’s not going to commit to you or break up with you…that’s his choice to make and you’ll just have to accept it.
For my personal opinion, you probably shouldn’t be looking to marry….keep it casual and you won’t have to worry about divulging any of your secrets.
There’s a bit of truth in the correlation of promiscuity and committed relationship failures….but…..
There’s even more truth in that keeping secrets is exponentially more damaging to a committed relationship than how many randos you’ve banged.
NAH. If your partner is insisting on knowing a specific number and has said that certain numbers, regardless of context, would be dealbreaker, there is nothing that you can say to her that will satisfy her. She will always read into whatever the number is whether it’s 4 or 40 or 400, because she places a value judgment on the number rather than the actual ethics of your conduct with those partners.
This unfortunately seems like a point of conflict that ultimately signals a lack of compatibility in the long-term. Unless she learns a whole new set of sexual ethics, pretty quickly, this won’t be resolved in the favor of your relationship.
If it matters to her ,then it matters. You can’t tell her she isn’t valid. At the same time, you don’t have to disclose.
Have you ever tested yourself for any STI’s given your admittedly sexually promiscuous past? Honestly, I want to say YTA, as it’s very clear that you know you will be judged for your high number of past partners, and this girl will wonder if she is another notch on your bedpost. It’s also clear this BS excuse of “I don’t judge people on their past” boils down to you just don’t want to be judged for your past. If you didn’t want to be judged for sleeping around, you shouldn’t have slept around.
It is 100% relevant information and past behavior is a very good indicator of possible future behaviour.
If that topic came up and he other person refused to provide the info I would assume that the number was going to be a problem and they would be discounted automatically for anything serious.
This post comes up every couple of months. It’s always interesting to see the different responses according to the gender of the person posting.
NTA. I’d rather know myself, but everyone is different, and you are not obligated to share that with anyone for any reason. It probably means you’re not compatible, but you’re not wrong for your own feelings about it. And you shouldn’t feel pressured to do something you have your own feelings about.
YES, you are. Everyone is lying to you. Yes you’re wrong for not saying. You looking for long term, and can’t even share it? Makes no sense. If you really like this person, just be honest. Literally as honest as humanly possible. If they don’t like you, then hope you’ll find somewhat that does.
It’s not fair for you to lie to others because of your fears. The right one will accept you anyways. But you have to be honest with yourself and the other person.
My standard answer to this was always “more than 1, less than 100”. Firmly agree that no good can come from answering this question
i’m gonna say NTA. I’ve been in this situation as the other person- wanted to know my boyfriend’s number of ppl he’s slept with after a year of dating out of pure curiosity. He didn’t want to share, which made me want to know even more. It’s not that I would’ve thought any differently about him but him not wanting to share made me want to know even worse. He just didn’t think it was necessary for me to know and didn’t want me to dwell on it. we went back and fourth and ultimately decided I really didn’t need to know and ultimately i’m happy he didn’t tell me because knowing my jealous self i definitely would’ve got upset no matter what the number was. obviously different people are gonna have different opinions but if it’s a strong relationship i don’t really think it’s necessary to disclose because, again, regardless of the number it’s gonna hurt their feelings thinking about you sleeping with anyone else! Hope this was helpful this was just my experience in the same situation lol
My wife has always been like that, to this day I know almost nothing of her dating history before we met. We are now grandparents who have been married more than 30 years, so while I would have liked to know early in our relationship, in the end it really doesn’t matter.
The character of this person is what you should be more focused on, and this question is only a peek into the jealousy that you’ll face your entire future together .
NTA. Nothing good ever comes from these questions.
Everybody has a number. Most everybody knows their number. If you’re talking marriage, share the number AH.
Do people really keep track of this? Mine isn’t high but I don’t keep track and don’t want to dig up old memories. I prefer to look forward.
Up to you. If you can honestly day that you are a serial monogamist, you should tell her so ( ie that you do not cheat)
I don’t know if YTA but if someone feature refused to share this information with me after months of dating… I would seriously wonder why and probably end the relationship. Trust/ transparency is everything
I don’t understand these people who think he should tell her. What does it matter? If he’s dating her exclusively, isn’t looking for other sexual relationships, has been cleared of any STD, what does it matter if it’s 1 or 100? OP also stated he doesn’t care about the girl he’s dating having a high or low number. It just doesn’t matter in the long run, past is the past. But if it’s a breaking point for her, then they just aren’t compatible.
Edit to add: The study she cites sounds ridiculous. How does someone who was single for a long time and enjoyed consensual and safe adult time predict they won’t be a good spouse once they’re ready for a commitment and meet the right person. Absurd.
NAH. I see both sides. I would never ask someone that AND I wouldn’t care what their number is. But I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who adamantly refuses to share that info.
Correlation doesn’t equal causation. What if someone doesn’t meet anyone till they’re 40+? Should the number be 0? Zero logic to this, so why not.
This is a two edged sword. Either you tell her and she is appalled or you don’t tell her and she leaves.
NTA. At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend asked me the same question. I told him that I did not yet feel comfortable sharing that information with him, and he respected it and did not push. Later on, now that we’ve been together almost 2 years, I decided to tell him, and he shared with me his number. It was a very respectful conversation, and he was not judgmental, nor was I of him.
It’s very personal information, and it is completely within your right not to share that information with anyone, and it does not mean you are ashamed or automatically imply you slept with a ton of people. It’s kind of a double-edged sword–I’ve been judged in the past by men for it being both too low AND too high. Some guys think that you’re a prude or immature if your number is too low for them. Some guys think you’re too “easy” or “ran through” if your number is too high for them. You can’t win a lot of the time, and I absolutely resonate with you wanting to avoid judgment by not sharing this information with your partner.
Edit: I re-read your post and realized you didn’t state your gender or your partner’s gender. I wrote my comment assuming you were a woman and your partner was a man as I was relating to your post from my own experiences being a woman and dating a man. Regardless of what gender you and your partner are, you are absolutely within your right not to share this information, and I believe your partner should respect that boundary. I apologize if I incorrectly assumed gender when writing my comment.
NTA as long as you are willing to get tested.
I was a very happy floozy when I was young, sex was much safer before AIDS and the 1970’s were the times of free love.
I honestly cannot put a number to how many people I had sex with during that decade but a hundred a year would be a rather conservative estimate.
So, then AIDS happened and I turned 30 and figured out that I should probably grow up and give up my party girl ways.
I still liked sex so found a man who also liked sex to be my faithful friend with benefits. I’m fairly sure I’ve had sex with more people than him, but we never had any interest in comparing that sort of stupid shit.
We got married a few years later. It lasted 43 years before he died in a car accident. We had our ups and downs, every couple does, but I never cheated on him and I believe he never cheated on me. I think we had a successful marriage, we never once talked about splitting up or taking time or divorce (of course murder wasn’t off the table).
So, that is a long way of saying that I think your person is wrong, every couple is different and where did they actually get their stats anyhow? Their preacher? Their mother?
Nah
I don’t think body counts matter in the grand scheme is things, and agree with your views. However, I can also see how not being told might be upsetting. Not because of the actual number, but because it then becomes a secret. It might feel to her now that you don’t trust her enough to tell her something as inconsequential as number of partners. The correlation thing might just be her trying to rationalise her emotions.
NTA. But he is not the one for you. Tell him 1 or tell him one million. It will not change his controlling ways.
5
Although I get where you’re coming from, YTA since you admitted to being promiscuous.
If you’re willing to tell her that much, you ought to be willing to clarify your experience for her instead of making her fill in the blanks. She’s likely imagining the worst case scenario, and it also seems like you’re not telling her because you know she won’t like the truth.
I happen to agree with you that the past is the past, and I also agree that these discussions can do more harm than good if they can’t be discussed civilly. But for some people, their partner’s past is important to them. If it’s the kind of thing that could be a dealbreaker for her, you should be honest about it, otherwise she’s with you under false pretenses. If she finds out the truth later, say from a friend, it’ll be a lot worse for both of you.
I understand that you want to avoid competitiveness and jealousy, but that’s not your decision to make. We are who we are, and our experiences are what they are. Just like you, she’s looking for a partner she can trust, and any relationship founded on dishonesty is doomed to fail.
She’s either gonna be cool with it or not. But you need to find out if you want to be serious with her.
You are in your 30’s so I honestly believe that telling the truth shouldn’t be hard. If you had a hot dude decade and you’re STI free what’s the issue? If she couldn’t take the truth then hey she isn’t compatible with you. Hell I lived a great 5 year span before I met my wife. She knows the number because I’m not embarrassed about it, I got through it without dropping child support off or picking up forever friends lol. NTA
If you know that this person wouldn’t be with you had they found out about your count, then you shouldn’t keep it completely unknown. What is the number for her that would make it a deal-breaker? Does she even know? If she has an answer for that you can clarify that you can stay in the relationship or not without giving her any stats.
NTA, but seriously; you can tell us…we listen and do not judge
NTA. Your sexual history is nobody elses business. It’s privileged information. They need to accept whatever you are willing to tell them and leave it at that. If you aren’t the kiss and tell type, don’t be brow beaten/bullied into thinking you need to divulge how many partners you have or haven’t had.
However, that is not the same in regards to STDs. If you have an STD and do not divulge that prior to intimacy, you would be the asshole. That information is not privileged as it will have a direct impact on some elses’ health and wellbeing. If you have tested and know you are clean, great. If you have no clue, get tested. If you do have or get something, treat it and communicate it.