So my mother’s cousin, let’s call her J, has a granddaughter (L) who is 12/13F (I am not completely sure) and reads at a kindergartener level (think picture books with maybe one sentence per page) but the school system just keeps passing her forward. Now I am an engineer with a very high reading proficiency, and my mother and her cousin decided that I would make a great tutor for L. I (42M) was not consulted on this, but I decided to help if I could.
Now please keep in mind three things: 1) That I am short, soft spoken, and about as intimidating as a snoring basset hound asleep on the floor. 2) That L will do anything she can to get out of school work (the reason. And 3) L’s parent do not care what she does as long as she doesn’t bother them.
So J told L that I would be coming over to J’s house, and that J and I would be helping her with her reading proficiency. L argued with J about how this was unnecessary, she “could read good enough,” and she didn’t want to do it. J would not accept these excuses because unlike L’s parent J understands exactly how screwed L is going to be if she doesn’t turn this around. Finally L said she wasn’t comfortable with me around. My response fine (I didn’t want to do this but felt obligated) and life went on.
Let me make this very clear. I have no relationship with L. I have met her maybe 3 or 4 times, said less than twenty words to her in total, and I have not said or done anything remotely inappropriate.
Apparently J didn’t let the drop and has been periodically been bringing this up with L since then. L finally agreed to give it a try last week, but when I was told this I declined. I said that I wasn’t comfortable working with L because of what she said earlier. I said that I thought L is just doing it to get J off her back and I am afraid that when L gets tired of this there is a good chance she is going to claim I said or did something in order to get out of it. And I said that I am not going to risk having my life ruined.
Well SHTF after that. I have been bombarded with “she’s just a child” and “you can make a real difference” or my personal favorite from my own mother, “no one would believe something like that”. So I am taking a break from my family for a bit.
AITA?
Edit for clarification: I am 42 male and L is 12/13F.
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So my mother’s cousin, let’s call her J, has a granddaughter (L) who is 12/13 (I am not completely sure) and reads at a kindergartener level (think picture books with maybe one sentence per page) but the school system just keeps passing her forward. Now I am an engineer with a very high reading proficiency, and my mother and her cousin decided that I would make a great tutor for L. I was not consulted on this, but I decided to help if I could.
Now please keep in mind three things: 1) That I am short, soft spoken, and about as intimidating as a snoring basset hound asleep on the floor. 2) That L will do anything she can to get out of school work (the reason. And 3) L’s parent do not care what she does as long as she doesn’t bother them.
So J told L that I would be coming over to J’s house, and that J and I would be helping her with her reading proficiency. L argued with J about how this was unnecessary, she “could read good enough,” and she didn’t want to do it. J would not accept these excuses because unlike L’s parent J understands exactly how screwed L is going to be if she doesn’t turn this around. Finally L said she wasn’t comfortable with me around. My response fine (I didn’t want to do this but felt obligated) and life went on.
Let me make this very clear. I have no relationship with L. I have met her maybe 3 or 4 times, said less than twenty words to her in total, and I have not said or done anything remotely inappropriate.
Apparently J didn’t let the drop and has been periodically been bringing this up with L since then. L finally agreed to give it a try last week, but when I was told this I declined. I said that I wasn’t comfortable working with L because of what she said earlier. I said that I thought L is just doing it to get J off her back and I am afraid that when L gets tired of this there is a good chance she is going to claim I said or did something in order to get out of it. And I said that I am not going to risk having my life ruined.
Well SHTF after that. I have been bombarded with “she’s just a child” and “you can make a real difference” or my personal favorite from my own mother, “no one would believe something like that”. So I am taking a break from my family for a bit.
AITA?
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> I refuse to tutor a kid because I am worried she will make a false accusation
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean it is your choice. You could say you don’t want to make L uncomfortable and you think she might feel forced into it by J. And because you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable.
How is a child reading at this level not child abuse? She is clearly not being properly cared for. Shouldn’t someone fe calling CPS?
NTA
This kid has already decided she doesn’t want to be tutored and NOTHING you can do will change her mind UNLESS her parents get off their arse and motivate her. You’re smart for protecting yourself.
This child is NOT your responsibility.
NTA. Tell L to hire a real tutor. Just because you have an engineering degree doesn’t mean you would make a good tutor. She’s 12 and reading at a kindergarten level, that’s legitimate tutor territory. She needs someone who understands how to teach someone to read, not just someone who can read.
Does the girl have a history of telling big lies to get out of stuff? If you think it’s in her behavior pattern to tell a lie about you touching her or doing anything to harm her than no youre not the asshole. You seem like you’re trying to protect yourself and when you put so much emphasis on her doing anything to get out of stuff it makes me understand why. Some people need to live and learn, don’t risk yourself for your mother’s wants. Also why can’t she do it?
This just sounds like smart self-preservation. You see that red flag and it’s still flying. NTA.
She needs her real father. It’s obvious this has happened because the mom took her from the real father. Men read kids in a totally different way than women. If you want to help her, and help her attitude, also, help her real father get custody. It’s really the solution.
NTA. You absolutely should be concerned that this kid said something like that. She clearly does not understand or care about the implications of such an accusation and since there would be zero consequences to her for making a false accusation she is more likely to do it just to get out of being tutored. J clearly doesn’t keep up with the results of #MeToo and #BelieveAllWomen movement.
NTA. If the kid is at a kindergarten reading level anyone can help her. They don’t need an engineer to teach the kid to read. J can start helping her by having her read and sound out things around the house or reading short kids books to her. Maybe even turning the sound off the tv and subtitles on. If the kid doesn’t want to learn to read it’s going to be hard to force her to sit down for lessons.
NTA. Yes, you were being kind and generous, doing a favor, and it wasn’t appreciated.
One doesn’t need an engineering degree to work on elementary school reading, and it seems like J could step in and read with the granddaughter herself if she is worried.
NTA!
HELL NO. DON’T GO.
You don’t mention sexes but I assume you are male? You are 100% correct that she could ruin your life. She might not even try to take it that far, but one wrong word to the wrong person and you are over.
Tell your mother and your mother’s cousin that there are a TON of professional tutors available who are more experienced and qualified than you. If they don’t want to pay, I bet the library would have some sort of program for free to help. Hell, I bet her teachers would love to help if she were willing through the school.
NTA. J should’ve stopped pressing the idea and L could’ve felt pressured to saying yes. Stuff like that I’m sure has happened before. Edit: Nothing wrong with being safe.
I’m confused, why can’t J (who we have to assume is an educated adult ) can’t do it.
No one needs a large amount of education to help a kindergarten level reader. It feels lazy.
I’d be taking the road you are too because I agree. She’s already said the worrying thing out loud and I wouldn’t wait til it became an accusation
NTA. First, you’re an engineer not a tutor. If J really wants to help L’s reading proficiency there are more appropriate ways to do so that will set L up for success. This includes professional companies that employ age appropriate strategies, with some even guaranteeing a full grade improvement. They have tutors that are more equipped to deal with all the tricks L will pull out to avoid reading. I’d leave it to a professional – especially after L has demonstrated manipulative behavior.
NTA honestly, if she’s that old and reading at a kindergarten level, you aren’t qualified to help her, she needs someone who is qualified to help her
NTA. This is a good natural consequence.
DON’T back down. If you do only agree to tutor her in public with ideally a female friend present and record it. Which is obviously too much of a burden so just don’t. And NEVER be alone with this child
NTA. She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her. After she said she was uncomfortable with you J should have dropped the conversation and picked out a different tutor preferably one recommended by the school even if it’s an organization that just works with the school. You are 100% justified in standing your ground and saying no to this. Even without L saying she was uncomfortable around you you never should have been pressured to do this in the first place.
Taking a break from your family sounds like a good idea rn and still doesn’t make you the asshole. If J and your mom are so concerned about her reading level they can manage L themselves, it sounds like she just needs to practice reading more and asking questions which she can do with pretty much anyone. You being an educated and talented reader doesn’t really matter when she just needs to start reading elementary school and middle grade chapter books, not college and academic level texts.
Good luck OP, keep standing up for yourself.
All she needs is her parents to read with her consistently for 10 mins a day and develop her reading in-line with her interests. Ie if she likes horses can she read a book or series and she gets a riding lesson as reward. Bribery at first to engage her until she is at grade level.
Nooooooope. NTA. There’s so much working against you here before you even get to the fact that’s she’s already hinted she would go down the path you fear. Let’s start with the fact that a 7th grader reading at a kindergarten level isn’t going to be helped by an engineer who I assume has zero training in reading instruction. Being a strong reader yourself is really not a qualifier to teach reading. If she were a grade level behind, sure maybe, but this degree of delay is way way out of your league. The fact that she has zero interest in putting in the work means you don’t even have a snowball’s chance in hell of improving things. You do not have any power to help here, your cousin is kind of delusional, not to mention entitled for dragging you in in the first place. Mind you, her heart is in the right place… and I feel for the kid… but this is just not your circus.
Why don’t her parents get their shit together and “make a real difference”?
NTA
NTA. You are right to recuse yourself. The last thing you need is to be accused of something bad. Let her parents get her a proper tutor who would know how to teach her how to read. She may have a learning disability like dyslexia.
Good choice on refusing to do this. You are definitely NTA.
If this child has been attending school semi-regularly (even 50% of the time) – she should be beyond cvc words.
That she isn’t, indicates a learning disability. This is unlikely to just a kid being “lazy”.
An engineer is an epically poor choice in this situation. Unless you have experience with learning disabilities.
False accusations after a mild threat is serious. That would be a hell no from me as well.
This kid needs to be evaluated by the schools special Ed team at a minimum (IEP stuff) probably best would be a full eval done with a neuropsych or developmental psychiatrist.
NTA
Good on you for listening, thinking and CYA.
NTA
First and foremost, you need to protect yourself. One false accusation from the kid can ruin your entire life.
Second, if the parents aren’t disciplining and pushing their kid, grandma is not going to make much of an impact.
Third, the child doesn’t want to do it and knows she can get away with not learning.
Last, you are most likely not the best choice to tutor if you never done this before. Being a proficient reader is not the same of having the skills to teach reading basics. It is harder than most people think. This is coming from a proficient reader has two kids whose entire grades of classmates are behind in reading due to COVID. This is not due to parents not reading to their kids or trying their best. It is just knowing how to read is easier than relaying those skills to someone with no knowledge.
You could volunteer to pay for Kumon classes after school
NTA. You made the safest choice. Plentybof tutors put there.
Plus, does L have an IEP or 504 plan at school? If so is it being followed?
Plentybof options besides you.
Irregardless of the other red flags here, you flat out don’t want to do it and others decided for you. That alone is a valid no.
Screw that NTA I would stay far far away. If someone I cared about asked me to do something like that the only way I would even contemplate doing it is by having every session recorded and saved to the cloud. That way I am 100 percent covered. Even then though not sure I would.
This child’s inability to read should be taken care of thru the school ahe attends. She probably has a learning disability and it’s being masked by her behaviors. Get her properly tested and get her support via school.
If you’re worried about the 13 yr old pulling a stunt like that, then you’re smart to say “no” to being a reading tutor. This is on her parents to handle, not anyone else.
If L really said she ‘can read good enough’ then she clearly needs help. But don’t ket it be yours. Avoid this shit-show like the plague, OP. You’re NTA for heading for the hills.
NTA , stick to your guns. Everyone who is so concerned for the child can either teach her themselves or hire a tutor
NTA- You are spot on. I tried to Tudor someone. If the kid doesn’t want to learn, do as they are told you might as well bang your head up against a brick wall. At that age, anything they say will be taken seriously.
A 12 year old reading at a kindergarten level doesn’t need a tutor. They need very intensive special education services
DON’T DO IT!
This student doesn’t need help from a random family member or friend. She needs a professional.
NTA. With age comes wisdom lol and a lot of times if your spidey sense causes you pause then you need to think about what you are about to do.
I’m going to go with no! I think many people would make the same decision and you don’t have to anything that doesn’t feel right to you. Boundaries are everything so I admire your decision
Professional Special Educator here.
This girl probably needs special intervention at this point. A lot of people saying, anyone can help or just read with her, don’t know what they are talking about.
If it was so easy then why hasn’t she learned it by now? Presumably she’s been in school?
People have to get Master’s degrees to learn how to teach kids like her. It’s not easy and it often takes higlt specialized evaluation and techniques. Unfortunately, parents usually have to agree to the process of testing and often need to push for appropriate care from overworked school systems.
If she genuinely doesn’t give a shit at her age there’s not much anyone can do. You know the old saying You can lead a horse to water . . .
Honestly? This whole thing is weird. Being a competent reader doesn’t actually mean you know how to teach someone else to read. If we do say being able to read is what matters, she’s also reading at a kindergarten level, so pretty much any adult has a much higher reading ability and should be able to teach her. There’s no reason for you to do something you do want to do that literally any other adult can do with the same level of competency.