I (29f) lost my mom when I was only 5 years old and my brother was 8. Within 18 months dad was dating and had moved someone else in with us who became my stepmother. Early in the relationship between dad and her she swore to be a good mom to me and my brother and we would say she couldn’t be our mom because we already had one. We went to family and individual therapy and I came out saying I didn’t want another mom and I was good with having just one even if she couldn’t be with me anymore.
I still got along okay with my stepmother. But whenever she called herself my mom and others picked up on it I’d correct that and say she was my stepmother, not my real mom. And I did say repeatedly that she wasn’t my real mom. My stepmother used to tell me to wait until I had kids of my own and then I’d see. Dad said I needed to be a stepparent first and he said the same to my brother.
I had my first child two years ago and I’m expecting my second and I still feel the same way about my stepmother. I’m not saying she’s an awful person or that I hate her. What I’m saying is she isn’t my mom still and I feel more strongly now that I am a mom. My stepmother actually brought it up because my husband and I have had some difficulties with our 2 year old and she was like I bet you realized what I meant now and I told her my feelings were still unchanged. She told me to explain how the struggles of the last few months haven’t made me realize it’s not about DNA but about putting in the work to raising kids. I told her I never said it was about DNA but mom was there first and she did so much and she grew me in her body and raised me for 5 years before she died. I said as a mom my feelings on it have grown now that I experience parenthood first hand.
That really angered my stepmother. My dad asked me if I divorced or became a widow would I stay single and I told him yes. I said I would not focus on a new relationship and I would not want to be a stepparent and even being a parent now would not change that. He hadn’t expected that. But it’s true for me. Dad told me it was like I was going out of my way to make my stepmother feel like shit and how having her shouldn’t have closed me off to stepparenting. I said my feelings would likely be this even if she wasn’t ever in the equation.
They both think it’s wrong that I have not had a change of heart now that I’m a mom. My brother is about to be a dad too and his haven’t changed either. Although she didn’t expect his to change like she did mine. My dad did though. AITA?
Comments
INFO: was your stepmother always on the sidelines or was she an active parent? Was she a good parent or did she mistreat you? Did she come between you and your father?
I’m asking because you seem deeply resentful of her but you never explain why.
No, you’re not doing a thing wrong. Your stepmother is, because she’s tried to trample your clearly set boundary that she wasn’t your mom. You aren’t constantly reminding her out of cruelty, just setting the record straight whenever she initiates that tired line again. You were clear, you didn’t want a woman to claim she was your mother, because you had your mother and she unfortunately passed. That’s a perfectly reasonable and healthy boundary she should’ve internalized twenty years ago when you first said your piece.
Your father, on the other hand, is projecting out of guilt and some perceived judgment he thinks you’re casting on him. Which to be clear, is not what you’re saying, but the fact that he’s taking it personally that you would just focus on you and your kids makes him have to face the fact that he almost immediately started dating and got married after your mother passed. And his bullshit about how you’re the one making your stepmother feel like shit or that she closed you off is just a guilt trip.
They’re both the ones who keep bringing up the subject and trying to badger you into what they want. Neither of them want to listen to you, or realize that you’re own person. Tell them such. Don’t entertain the conversations anymore. Kind of a form of gray rocking. They bring it up, you respond “I’ve made myself very clear on this matter and will not discuss it further.” I would personally also add “until you realize that you are both the problem here.” But that’s me. Either way, no, you’ve had the patience of a saint putting up with this and they’re the ones setting themselves up for failure.
NTA
I mean both of you aren’t wrong. But I guess you should be a little empathetic towards her. It ain’t easy for someone to grow someone else’s kids. Of course it was her who asked for it but then as you said she hasn’t done a bad job. On the other side of course she can’t be your mother. You should definitely get to decide her place in your life but I think you should be little more grateful to her. Imagine the trauma you had to go through if she had been evil to you. So maybe don’t just shut her up when she says something along the lines of being a mother
NTA. I don’t know why these people insist on hurting their own feelings so many times. Exhausting.
“ My dad asked me if I divorced or became a widow would I stay single and I told him yes. I said I would not focus on a new relationship and I would not want to be a stepparent and even being a parent now would not change that”
I think this is the main issue, your father didn’t wait long enough until he found another woman and moved her in. My own father did similar (thankfully didn’t move her in right away) and was sticking his dick in one of my mother’s friends less than a year after she died. I still have resentment towards him (not her) 30 years later.
I understand your stepmother going on about it too much being frustrating, but your father is the real issue here as he didn’t give you time to grieve before saying “here’s your new mum”
NTA. It sounds like you were repeatedly pressured throughout your childhood and beyond, to accept her as your mom. Your reaction was to push back. They should have just taken it easy.
Softly, YTA. This woman took on two grieving, young children and she raised you from that age. Whether you like that or not, she did. That doesn’t negate your mother’s input or your memories with her in any way.
To tell her that she essentially doesnt matter because your mother ‘grew you and raised you for five years’ is cruel and unnecessary. This woman raised you for over a decade. She’s not asking to take your mums place, but she sure as shit was expected to in every other way. She contributed to the household, she will have arranged for you guys to have clothes and food and do activities and driven you about and looked after you when you were sick. She didn’t ask you to call her mum, she’s just trying to bond with you over how hard it is to raise kids. Harder still when they are resistant and not your own children, especially when if they are grieving.
Becoming a mum and then a stepmum made me appreciate even more the effort my stepdad made and the things he did for me as a child, and I didn’t meet him till I was 13. Was he perfect? No. Was he my dad? No. But he did everything a dad would have done. You’ve been cruel to this lady for no reason. It’s like you seem to think that loving your mum means you can’t also love your stepmum.
Respectfully, your mum didn’t do so much in the grand scheme of your childhood. She did everything she could absolutely, and I’m sure she was a wonderful mother to you. But those 5 years weren’t the only years of your childhood. You had 13 more and this woman was there and she did raise you and respecting that and being thankful for it does not change anything about how you feel about your mum. Just don’t pretend her contribution didn’t matter.
Your step mom could have still had a role in your life that’s important without her being a mom. People who get with widowed or divorced men just saw they can be a mother to someone else’s children are not right in the head. You’re 29 she has spent the better part of two decades trying to force you to accept her as a mother if that isn’t unhinged I don’t know what is.
Your dad only waited 2 years before he gave up on parenting you and your brother and ushered in someone to take responsibility and be a mother. That was his choice not yours and she went along with it. Thats a problem between the both of them and they should talk it out on therapy and leave you out of it.
NAH.
There was a post on here the other day about a woman who was wondering if she was the AH for not adopting her SD after her mom died, and the overwhelming majority of people were going after her saying she was an AH.
But cases like yours are the exact reason I was saying she wasn’t the AH.
You have absolutely no idea how a grieving child is going to react to your presence in their life, or what they want from that relationship long term. You have to meet them where they’re at and see how things evolve.
Your stepmother did the opposite of the other poster, and rushed a relationship you weren’t ready for. I feel for the woman, I really do – she came into your life with the best of intentions, and has been there for you. But you don’t see her as a mother, and that’s OK. You shouldn’t be forced.
That said, what she did took a lot of love & sacrifice and hope you make space to appreciate that outside of the binary of whether she’s your mother or not. And, you know, you have really no idea if you would fall in love again if your spouse died. And if you do – it’s no bad thing. It’s good for children to see healthy relationships modelled, and it’s good for adults to have adult companions. I say this as someone whose mother made them their whole life, and subsequently had a mental breakdown when I went to college. It’s a lot of pressure to be someone’s whole world like that – and a lot of harm is hidden in that martyrdom complex.
NTA. They’re trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist for you. They’re hurting their own feelings.
You are NTA. I didn’t even refer to my mom’s husband as my stepdad until college.
You could have had friendly relations, but your stepmother chose the wrong path. When someone tries to impose themselves, it pushes away. And she still hasn’t been able to understand it. Sad. But these are not your problems, but hers.
NTA
Reading this makes me feel like raising someone else’s kids just isn’t worth it.
NTA, your father should not have remarried so fast (and the pessimist in me says he was probably seeing your stepmom before your mom died). Now, would you have felt differently if this happened maybe a year or two after your mom died? No way of knowing, but your opinions are valid.